Narrator: Last week, on Twizzlers for Everyone Forever presents…Death Spares Not The Tiger: an epic radio drama…

SFX: Recap.

Narrator: We find our DJs and their new ally, Marie Bite-Cul, at her house in Canada. French Canada. Ugh.

Marie: You are lucky to have made it out of there alive and chocolate-free.

Fluid: Couldn’t you have waited until just after we were dipped in boiling chocolate? I’m really craving some now.

Marie: There is no time for this foolishness! Rachel Carson is up to something demonic, and I am bound by the CSPFK to stop her.

DSNT: The what?

Marie: La Commande Sacrée de Poulet Frit Kentucky.

DSNT: Wait, that last word was–

Fluid: The Sacred Order of what?!

Marie: The Sacred Order of Kentucky Fried Chicken. It is an ancient organization committed to the purification of demons from the Earth.

DSNT: You’re kidding me.

Marie: Didn’t you ever wonder why Colonel Sanders wore all white? He is a Baptist Paladin!

Fluid: Baptists can have paladins?

Marie: Clearly.

DSNT: This is a sick, sick joke.

SFX: Colonel Sanders walks in.

Sanders: Not quite as sick as some of our restaurant’s food makes you! Speaking of which, lunch’s on me, fellas.

Marie: Colonel! *Kisses him* Wonderful to see you. Did you rid Tennessee of vampires?

Sanders: All except the one.

Narrator: Meanwhile, at Al Gore’s house in Tennessee…

Al Gore: What national crisis will I avert today? And, by today I mean tonight. Because, as everyone knows, vampires can only go out at night. The internet, however, can be accessed at any time!

Narrator: Back in French Canada…

Marie: But, we never count him. A noble man, that Al Go–

Sanders: Shh! We agreed to keep Al Gore’s name a secret from outsiders.

DSNT: Wait, Al Gore is–

Fluid: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Before we start asking ancillary questions about Al Gore’s apparent vampirism, can someone please explain what’s going on?!

Sanders: I say, I’m glad you asked. See, we at the Sacred Order of Kentucky Fried Chicken have been protecting the world from demons and other major threats for thousands of years. Now, I know our KFC restaurants haven’t been around quite that long, but KFC is just one of the many ways we raise revenue to fund the training and employment of professional demon-hunters like Marie, here.

Marie: We recruit the strongest children of the world at a young age. Most of them come from France.

DSNT: Incidentally, why are we in French Canada and not just regular France?

Marie: It is quite simple – the Mr Pibb people will be looking for us in France, but they would never suspect a self-respecting French person to flee to French Canada.

Fluid: Ingenious.

Marie: Rachel Carson is one of the world’s most evil human beings. She faked her death back in 1964 to escape the public eye and use the great funds she amassed in her life to begin enacting her evil world-domination plot. After many shady business deals and work with corrupt ex-Nazi scientists over several decades, Ms. Carson acquired the Mr Pibb company and took control of the International Centrist Front.

DSNT: Why?

Marie: She intends to use the resources of the various countries and organizations in the Centrist Front to her own nefarious ends.

Fluid: Which are?

Marie: I must not tell you. All I may say is that–

DSNT: Oh, just tell us!

Marie: You would never believe me if I told you. You must just see it for yourself.

Fluid: Wouldn’t it be easier for us to stop her if you told us?

Sanders: It doesn’t matter. All you need to know is that Rachel Carson is an evil, evil woman, and could take over the entire planet with phase two of her scheme.

Fluid: If we become demon-hunters will you tell us?

Marie: No.

Sanders: You’re not cool enough to be demon-hunters.

Fluid: Darn.

DSNT: Oh, the cruel suspense!

SFX: A knock on the door.

Marie: Let me handle this.

SFX: A gun cocking, the door opening.

Flavor Fresh: Why, hello there!

SFX: Multiple gunshots.

Flavor Fresh: Luckily, my pecs are hard as iron. Thank you, sexy gym membership.

Erica: Don’t shoot! We’re friends of A Fluid Thing and Flavor Fresh.

Marie: How can we trust you?

Erica: Well, I’m not quite sure.

Colonel: Oh, come now, Marie. Could a woman that attractive hide anything from us? Besides, of course, in her bosom. Why, I say, I’d like to hide in there, myself.

Fluid: We know them! Flavor Fresh, are you okay?

Flavor Fresh: It ain’t no thang.

Erica: Fluid, honey!

Fluid: Oh, hi, Erica. How’d you get here?

Erica: I used super mathematics to figure out your location.

Flavor Fresh: And, to save time, we took a rowboat across Lake Erie.

SFX: Flashback. Rowboat.

Flavor Fresh: I sure do love…stroking.

Erica: Stroke harder, Flavor Fresh, time is of the essence!

Flavor Fresh: That statement requires no further sexual innuendo.

Erica: You stroke so well, Flavor Fresh, where did you learn?

Flavor Fresh: In college, like everyone else, honey.

SFX: Flashback. Rowboat.

Flavor Fresh: Stroke. Stroke. Stroke. Stroke. Stroke.

Female Teammate 1: Almost there!

Female Teammate 2: Faster, Flavor Fresh, faster!

Female Teammate 1: Harder! Harder! Harder!

Female Teammates: Yes! Oh, yeah! Yeah! OH!

Flavor Fresh: I sure do love being on the crew team. Especially when we win our races.

SFX: De-flashback.

Erica: So, that’s where the gold medals around your neck come from.

Flavor Fresh: Well, that and the Sex Olympics.

SFX: De-flashback.

Erica: That’s how we got here so fast. We came to tell you we’ve found out what’s up with the Mr Pibb company. They used the Audubon society’s new printing press to encode all the dead formats with subliminal messages printed in the shape of a Blue-Footed Booby’s feet.

Marie: The Blue-Footed Booby?!

Sanders: This is much worse than I thought. She can’t be…

Marie: It all makes sense, now. It’s why she picked Oberlin’s record store clerk to sell the last of the tapes and commit suicide!

Narrator: Meanwhile in Hell…

Clerk: I’M STILL IN HELL!!! WHY, SATAN, WHY?!

Satan: Well, you don’t exactly leave Hell, do you?

Clerk: I HAVE TOO MANY HORMONES TO BE IN HELL!!! I WANT TO LEAVE!!! THIS IS ALL RACHEL CARSON’S FAULT FOR BRAINWASHING ME TO COMMIT SUICIDE!!!

Satan: Back in the hot tub. I brought the lotion.

Clerk: WHY?!

Narrator: Back in French Canada…

Flavor Fresh: We realized the Blue-Footed Booby was a very significant bird to what Rachel Carson is doing with her subliminal messages. And, despite being a Booby, it’s not very sexy or supple like Dr. Dyer’s.

Erica: I imagine that A Fluid Thing and DSNT have figured most of this out, themselves, though.

DSNT: Nope! I have no clue what Rachel Carson’s doing and would really like to be filled in.

Fluid: Ditto.

Marie: As we said, it’s not important. We must go stop Rachel Carson!

Erica: First, we should find the Centrist conspirators and get them to help us stop Rachel Carson. When they find out what she’s doing, they’ll no doubt come over to our side. That way we can get the Audubon Society and everyone else Rachel Carson has exploited to freeze her assets and hopefully put a stopper in her plans.

Fluid: They did seem to be very friendly people. Especially that Carl Flicker guy.

DSNT: Yeah, it seemed like they just want people to get along better.

Erica: I’ll use super mathematics to determine their current location so we can go find them.

SFX: Punching numbers in on a calculator.

Erica: I’ve got it! They should be somewhere in Montana.

Sanders: Well, let’s all go! I have a score to settle with Carl Flicker…

Marie: No, Colonel! You can settle this another day. We need Flicker on our side!

Sanders: I won’t kill him…much.

Narrator: We go now to the Audubon Society. Carl Flicker is not there, but Sheila, his wife, Marty, his secretary, and Phil Collins, his Phil Collins, are.

Sheila: So, now that we’ve cleared up this ugly business with me taking away your basic human rights, why don’t we talk about putting together an infomercial. See, my husband spent quite a good deal of time researching how to put one together, and Marty here is reading through the data right now.

Marty: I have a summary!

Phil: Let’s hear it.

Marty: According to this, all we need to do to have a good infomercial is to have one guy in a collared shirt talking about what he is holding. It boosts ratings by over 9000% if he is wearing a headset and has gelled hair.

Sheila: I think yelling will help.

Marty: Only if he doesn’t blink!

Phil: Can I write an upbeat song about something very nonspecific and baffling for this commercial!?

Marty: Yes! Oh, god, yes!

SFX: Drumstick.

Phil: Get a hold of yourself.

Marty: Owww….I forgot what I learned. And algebra.

Sheila: Great! Let’s write a script.

Phil: Scripts are for beginners, let’s just put the outfit on Marty and go to it.

Sheila: Wait, don’t we need a song?

Phil: I know! I’ll write about me divorce! I just wrote one in the past five seconds. It’s called Against All Odds.

Marty: You released that in 1984!

SFX: Drumstick.

Marty: How do I tie my shoes?

Phil: Alright, so this song is great, and it’s about a very sensitive subject. Let me tell you how I was inspired…

SFX: Flashback.

Phil: I know! I’ll write about me divorce! I just wrote one in the past five seconds. It’s called Against All Odds.

SFX: De-flashback.

Sheila: That just happened! Just now!

Phil: Well it’s a really great song! See, it’s got a piano, and singing, and lyrics!

Sheila: Well, that sounds…existent… let’s hear it.

SFX: Against All Odds

Marty: Hey, I’ve heard this song, I cried to this song. Every night, over the tragic death of my stuffed badger. His name was Sparkles…

SFX: Flashback.

Marty: KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNN!!!

SFX: De-flashback.

Marty: Sparkles…my lost love…

Sheila: Phil, as about your divorce as that song is, I really think we should go back to your original idea about an upbeat song about something very nonspecific and baffling for this commercial.

Phil: Oh! That sounds like an idea worthy of me! I’ve got it.

SFX: Drumstick.

Phil: I’ll write about me divorce!

Sheila: We just went over why that’s a terrible idea

Phil: Oh, alright. Oh, there’s a song I’ve been keeping in me back pocket ever since back when I was with my second and a halfth wife. It’s called Against All Odds.

Sheila: We’re not using that song, we’re going with something upbeat!

Marty: I’m so confused, that song was released in 1984 for a film, but he said it’s been in his back pocket.

Phil: You know what, just use Sussido, I mean, I’ve given you the rights to it and whatnot.

Sheila: Oh right, it’s a good thing someone has memory around here, Marty…

Marty: Do you happen to know my middle name? Or where I live?

Sheila: No, Marty, no I do not.

Marty: Aww…

Narrator: Five minutes later…

SFX: Sussudio.

Sheila: Alright, so you stand there with the headset, and talk about how awesome the towel you’re holding is.

Marty: Wait, isn’t this infomercial about the Audubon Society?

SFX: Sussudio stops.

Sheila and Phil: DAMN!

Narrator: Five minutes laterer…

SFX: Sussudio.

Sheila: Alright, so you stand there with the headset and talk about how awesome the bird you’re holding is.

Marty: But I don’t know what kind of bird this is

Phil: You’re in the Audubon Society, how do you not know?

Marty: Well, I would, but I don’t think birds are usually made out of clear plastic. And is this bird filled with mercury? Why did you give me a plastic bird filled with mercury? And what is this covering it? Is it Vaseline? Why is the bird covered with Vaseline?

Sheila: We’re going to light it on fire at the climax of both the song and the commercial. It’s perfectly timed!

Marty: Why do we need to light it on fire? That doesn’t sound safe at all.

Sheila: It’s a metaphor! And besides, that’s why we gave you the stylish hand coverings

Marty: I’m not sure I’m entirely comfortable with the level of asbestos in these oven mitts…

Sheila: We only have this camera for the next forty seven minutes, and you’re wasting our time! And if you let the fire get through the plastic we are absolutely not getting our deposit back on this paper warehouse we rented for the occasion.

Marty: This all sounds like a horrible idea! Why can’t we just make an infomercial where we talk about the Backyard Birdwatch?

Phil: Roll camera!

SFX: Camera start. Sussudio.

Marty: Hi! I’m Chris Jonathan, and I’m here to tell you about the Audubon Society. You see, the Audubon Society has been an important part of American life ever since Napoleon defeated Ghengis Khan back in the 1500’s. We offer a lifetime membership and a free pair of binoculars to anyone who joins our Backyard Birdwatch within the two minutes. We’re gonna put a timer on that. But wait, there’s more!

Phil: Cut!

SFX: Camera stop. Sussudio stop.

Marty: Whaaaaaaaaaaat?

Phil: That’s all wrong! That doesn’t match me song at all.

Sheila: Yeah, that and most of what you said is patently untrue. Plus maybe you should downplay the Backyard Birdwatch thing and talk about some of our other exciting elements.

Phil: You should call it the Backdoor Birdwatch. That’s racy! Everyone knows sexy stuff sells better.

Marty: Well…ok.

Sheila: Roll camera!

SFX: Camera Start. Sussudio.

Marty: Hi! I’m James K Kirkpatrick, and I’m here to yell at you about the Audubon Society. You see, here at the Audubon Society, we ride around the office on fast motorcycles made of pirates. This pirate-rich environment allows us to take swag from our competitors and we get boats! And stylish headgear! Here at the national office, we call each other Bluebeard, and Captain Fabulous, and everyone is happy. Our mainstays at the national office are Phil Collins, and some serial killer who does about 9 jobs for us because we can only afford to have four employees due to the Lunchmeat Crisis of ’08.

Sheila: Cut!

SFX: Camera stop. Sussudio stop.

Sheila: Don’t talk about our shortcomings! What the hell is wrong with you!? Do it again!

Phil: And talk about me more!

Sheila: Roll camera!

SFX: Camera start. Sussudio start.

Marty: Do you like Phil Collins? I've been a big Genesis fan ever since the release of their 1980 album, Duke. Before that, I really didn't understand any of their work. Too artsy, too intellectual. It was on Duke where Phil Collins' presence became more apparent. I think Invisible Touch was the group's undisputed masterpiece. It's an epic meditation on intangibility. At the same time, it deepens and enriches the meaning of the preceding three albums. Christy, take off your robe. Listen to the brilliant ensemble playing of Banks, Collins and Rutherford. You can practically hear every nuance of every instrument. Sabrina, remove your dress. In terms of lyrical craftsmanship, the sheer songwriting, this album hits a new peak of professionalism. Sabrina, why don't you, uh, dance a little.

Sheila: Cut!

SFX: Camera stop. Sussudio stop.

Sheila: What the hell was that?! Those people aren’t here!

Marty: Oh sorry…my mind wandered. I think I’ve got it this time.

Sheila: Ok, roll camera!

SFX: Camera start. Sussudio start.

Marty: Hi! My name is Max Ratchet, the manliest man at the manliest birdwatching slash environmentalist organization ever! Here at the Audubon Society, we have attractive people and Phil Collinses coming out the wazoo, and we’re passing the savings on to youuuuuuu. Action, adventure, excitement, intrigue, birds! This could all be yours! Just send us a check for 59.99 right now and we’ll make all of your birdwatching fantasies come true!

SFX: Fire

Marty: This flaming plastic bird filled with mercury symbolizes how much we love birds, because our desire is this flaming, dangerous and bordering on illegal! So call now 1-800-LUV-BIRD to get in on this sexy. COWABUNGA!

Sheila: And print!

SFX: Camera stop.

Marty: MY HAIR IS ON FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Phil: I liked the last one…

SFX: Sussudio stop.

Narrator: We join International Centrist Front, hunting baby seals in Montana.

Sean: Babies. The world’s most dangerous prey.

Carl: Sean, we’re in Montana! There aren’t going to be many baby seals and if they’ve somehow gotten here I imagine they’d be a lot more dying of exhaustion than dangerous.

Sean: Never question Sean Connery, Flicker!

Elisabeth: I knew we shouldn’t have trusted your directions.

Sean: Shut up, Queenie, or we’ll eat you next.

Amelia: Poor Bill.

Martha: Why would you feel remorse for Bill, Amelia?

Amelia: Oh, I don’t really. The fact that I ate my navigator, Fred Noonan, after we crashed into the ocean and had to swim to shore has rendered me immune to guilt for any present or future cannibalism.

Elisabeth: What?

Amelia: Er, nothing.

Elisabeth: I know we should’ve brought more food.

Carl: We should’ve invited Kermit. I’m hankering for frog legs and it technically wouldn’t be cannibalism.

Martha: That’s right, Carl. And, I know a simply fabulous recipe for roasting puppets. A pinch of oregano really brings out the flavor of the handhold.

Carl: Where’s Beverly when we need her?

Sean: Beverly left to go back to Canada. She has a job, remember?

Carl: Well, we all have jobs!

Sean: Except you, Mr. Lazy.

Carl: I have a job! And it’s no excuse not to come on the annual Centrist conspiracy baby seal hunt.

Amelia: Now, now, I’m sure she’s doing something important.

Martha: Not more important than clubbing baby seals. Clubbing baby seals is a time-honored tradition in many societies that has almost uniformly been passed down from fathers to sons to uncles to daughters from generation to generation. The clubbing of seals is often followed by the dragging of their mutilated carcasses back to the home and violently tearing at their raw flesh to gain the spiritual power that can only be possessed by an infant. It’s a good thing.

(Beat.)

Carl: I, uh, don’t know if I’m comfortable with hunting baby seals anymore.

SFX: A group runs up to them.

Fluid: Stop right there, Centrist scum!

DSNT: Though, really, you’re not scum. It’s more Rachel Carson and what she’s done to all your companies and countries to carry out her evil plot. Which, incidentally, everyone but us seems to know about.

Carl: Now, wait a sec! You’re those DJs that Rachel said were messing with our plans. And, who are all of your friends and how did you find us?

Erica: We’re here to get your help stopping Rachel Carson. I used super mathematics to determine your location. My associate, Dr. Flavor Fresh, rowed us here in his rowboat to save time.

Flavor Fresh: I…rowed…as fast as I could.

Amelia: Hey, Carl, should I use my unearthly superpowers to kill them?

Carl: What?

Amelia: What?

Sean: In the…

Carl/Amelia/Martha/Elisabeth: Shush, Connery!

Sean: But, I like butts!

Carl: Now, why would you think we’d want to help you stop Rachel? She’s carrying out our Centrist conspiracy to make people work well together and like each other more! And, who doesn’t agree that liking each other is great?

Marie: I don’t much enjoy it when people like each other. But, that is because I am French.

Sean: Ha ha! The French.

Carl: And, who are you?

Marie: We are from the Sacred Order of Kentucky Fried Chicken, here to warn you of Rachel Carson’s demonic plans.

Sanders: If you heed to Rachel Carson’s demands, she’ll take over the entire world. Quite contrary to your plans, I say.

Carl: Wait…Colonel Sanders! I thought I destroyed you ten years ago!

Elisabeth: Who is this bloke?! And, why is he wearing all white?

Carl: He’s a sacred Baptist paladin, and the sworn enemy of birds everywhere! He does awful things to chicken!

Sanders: And Rachel Carson will do worse things to you and I if you don’t stop her plan, now!

Amelia: What’s wrong with Rachel?!

Erica: We can explain if you come with us.

Fluid: Could you just explain now?! I’m really eager to hear.

Carl: I refuse to believe your lies, Sanders!

Sanders: I thought it would come to this. Luckily, I came prepared.

SFX: Pistol cocking.

Marie: I’ll back you up, Colonel.

SFX: Marie’s gun cocking.

Sanders: No, Marie. This is my fight, not yours.

SFX: Cocking a shotgun.

Carl: What, you think I’d just let my guard down once I thought I’d killed you last time?

Sanders: You’ve studied Machiavelli well, Carl.

Carl: No better than you, obviously. But remember faking one’s own death is a move most famous people use at one point or another. Amelia Earhart, Rachel Carson.

Amelia: Well, technically I didn’t fake my own death. I actually crashed into the ocean, ate my navigator, made a deal with a dark god to gain unholy powers and now fly about the skies at night looking for prey.

Elisabeth: Who the hell are you, woman, and why didn’t you tell us any of this before?

Amelia: You never asked! And I had water in my ears.

Erica: Miss Earhart, it really is you! I’m surprised you’re alive. I have so many questions for you about how you survived, and about the scientific basis for your dark god!

Marie: Shh, little girls! We are about to witness an important battle of history.

Martha: I’m not a little girl, I’ve been seasoned to maturity by the prison time!

Marie: Shush, Stewart!

Sanders: Well, Carl, I see you have a shotgun. Is your aim as good with that bulky thing as mine is with a pistol?

Carl: That little gun you have there couldn’t kill a fish in a barrel.

SFX: Shotgun blast. Jump dodge.

Sanders: Woah! Looks like your aim could improve a good deal more, Carl.

SFX: Three pistol shots. Running dodge.

Carl: Three shots and no luck for you, Colonel.

SFX: Shotgun blast, two pistol shots. Running. Two shotgun blasts. Five pistol shots and two shotgun blasts.

Carl: You’re out of ammo, Sanders.

SFX: Reloading.

Sanders: Humph.

Carl: I see you behind that tree, Sanders.

SFX: Shotgun blast.

Sanders: Take this!

SFX: They run towards each other. Four pistol shots, two shotgun blasts.

Carl: Dammit, I’m out! Sean, throw me your sword!

SFX: Sean draws his sword and throws it to Carl.

Sanders: Out of ammo, too…no matter. I’ll fight you with my bare hands, coward!

Carl: Ha!

SFX: Carl swings and misses. Sanders punches him in the stomach and he drops Sean’s sword. Sanders punches Carl several times in the face.

Carl: Augh!

Sanders: Take this!

SFX: Sanders uppercuts Carl.

Carl: Ah! Stop, stop, I give up!

Sanders: Yellow-bellied bird-lover.

Marie: Excellent job, Colonel! You showed that avian sympathizer. *Kisses him*

Sanders: All in a day’s work, Marie.

Marie: And, I will give you your night’s work, Colonel.

Elisabeth: Are you two married?!

Sanders: Why, no, we’re not.

Elisabeth: Sex before marriage?! Oh, no! No, no, no! What has society come to? I don’t like change!

Martha: Now, now, Queen Elisabeth, sex before marriage…well…it’s a good thing.

Erica: President Flicker, please come with us and help us stop Rachel Carson. I can explain everything to you on the way.

Flavor Fresh: And all you other Centrist cats get back to your respective places of business and make sure any control Rachel Carson has over them is stopped.

Elisabeth: You know, I was actually wondering where all my crumpets were going. I’ll go try to get some of them back.

Sean: I’ll come and help you. A lot of my haggis has gone missing, as well, and I imagine it’s all gone to the same place.

Erica: She’s probably using it to feed the masses she aspires to control.

Martha: And I wondered where all my pointy decorative objects were going.

Erica: She’ll probably be giving them out as weapons.

Amelia: I don’t think I lost anything.

Carl: What about your plane, Amelia? Have you seen it recently?

Amelia: It’s at the bottom of the…wait…I haven’t checked on it in a while. Someone who found that plane would have a very powerful generator at their disposal. See, I traded my old generator for one powered by pure evil before my last flight. Now that I think about it, maybe that’s why God struck me down with lightning…

Carl: You just get weirder and weirder now that you have no water in your ears. Amelia, go check on your plane.

Erica: Flavor Fresh, could you row Amelia there?

Flavor Fresh: Sure thing. Nice to meet you, sexy famous lady.

Amelia: Nice you meet you, Doctor.

Flavor Fresh: Let’s go to the middle of the Pacific Ocean if you know what I mean…

Amelia: I take that statement…literally.

Carl: The rest of us will go to the Audubon Society and see if we can’t find out what Rachel Carson’s been messing with there.

Erica: It was your printing press, but that’s all been finished.

Carl: Well, let’s see if we can’t find any more of her tendrils in my business…maybe you all aren’t so crazy.

Narrator: Meanwhile, in Rachel Carson-topia, Rachel Carson and her sidekick, the Joker, prepare a virgin sacrifice.

Rachel: Joker, take this little piggy to the altar.
Toshi: Ooh, I haven’t been put on an altar for at least 48 hours!

Joker: Shut up!

Rachel: Yes…and I will complete my preparations. This truly will be a day that will forever live in infamy! The day when Rachel Carson became supreme ruler of the world!

Joker: It’s very inspiring to see you get all lordly like this.

Toshi: Well, whatever you’re into, I suppose.

Rachel: Silence! Don’t you know what you’re a part of? No…of course not…no one does. But they will…oh god will they. *Evil laughter*

Joker: This is all very exciting; I think I need to kill someone to take this excitement away.

Toshi: Just keep the blood away from me, I’m not a huge fan of blood, at least not if I’m not getting paid fairly handsomely for it.

Rachel: Silence! Joker, ready my knives! We will sacrifice this unsuspecting virgin at sundown!

Toshi: Wait…virgin?

Rachel: …well, yeah. What I’m doing involves sacrificing a virgin on a pagan altar.

(Beat.)

Toshi: Why would you hire a whore for a virgin sacrifice?

(Beat.)

Toshi: Ahhhh! My Chlamydia! It burns!

SFX: Laugh track.

Narrator: We return to our heroes, A Fluid Thing and DSNT, along with the Baptist paladin Colonel Sanders, the demon-hunter Marie Bite-Cul, Dr. Erica Dyer, and Carl Flicker, the president of the Audubon Society. They have just arrived at the society to figure out the full extent of Rachel Carson’s evil plans.

SFX: Door opening.

Carl: Sheila, I’m back! I have a question. When I got up this morning, I put on two socks and then I put on my loafers and laced them up, and there were two socks, and then I walked around the house a bit, I had a piece of toast with strawberry marmalade and I was still wearing two socks when I looked down, and then when I put my pants on over my shoes I noticed I was still wearing two socks, and then I put on my galoshes and when I put on my galoshes I was still wearing the two socks. And, now when I get home from the annual baby-seal-clubbing trip I’m only wearing one sock. What the hell happened to my other sock?!

Sheila: Baby-seal-clubbing trip?! I thought you just came from home!

Carl: Oh, Sheila, how little you know. Actually, I came from a meeting of the International Centrist Front. We have a name now! And, we realized Rachel is doing lots of evil things using the society as a puppet.

DSNT: And, conveniently, Dr. Beautiful Genius here told Carl about it all while we were in the bathroom.

Fluid: So, everyone knows about them except you, us, and the audience. How hilarious.

Phil: Wait a sec! Aren’t you the DJs who keep making fun of me on air?

Fluid: That’s us!

Phil: It hurts me feelings!

DSNT: It’s all in good humor.

Phil: Oh, okay.

Carl: These are my new friends, A Fluid Thing, DSNT, Dr. Erica Dyer and…uh…and two people from KFC.

Sheila: You let them in here?!

Carl: It’s dire circumstances, Sheila, Rachel is out of control.

Sheila: But, letting Colonel Sanders in here? Are you mad?

Sanders: You must be the wife. Pleased to meet you.

Sheila: What the hell, Carl.

Carl: He’s not such a bad guy!

Marie: Ms. Flicker, our presence is necessary here. We will leave as soon as we are done with our work.

Erica: We need to look through all the society’s paperwork and see what Rachel Carson has done.

Carl: True…Marty, could you look through all the society’s official papers from the past year and flag any filed by that Joker guy? I found out he actually works for Rachel.

Marty: Oh…wow, that’s a lot of papers…sure thing, President Flicker. Let’s see, I’ll just open this large cabinet with all our papers…

SFX: Cabinet opens, a sea of papers flow out.

Marty: AAH!!!

Narrator: Twenty minutes later.

Marty: Okay, I found three things. The first two were mass orders for extra sharp pencils.

Sheila: Nothing out of the ordinary.

Erica: Why not?

Sheila: He had a…well…magic trick he sometimes did with pencils. And people’s eye sockets.

Phil: It sounds like my magic trick with Marty’s head and my drumsticks.

Marty: Wha–

SFX: Drumsticks.

Phil: Though it’s really more assault and battery than a magic trick.

DSNT: Good joke, Phil.

Phil: I pride meself on me sharp, relevant sense of humor.

Fluid: Just like your songwriting!

Phil: About me divorce!

Erica: What’s the other document, Marty?

Marty: He took out a mortgage on a secluded cabin in the Adirondacks. Also, it’s apparently furnished with fountains that spew human blood. Huh. That’s strange. Why would we need one of those?

Marie: The Adirondacks…we should have expected that.

Sanders: They’re the perfect place, aren’t they?

Carl: We never did like the birds in the Adirondacks. Fig Newton?

Sheila: Carl, where have you been?

Carl: I went to the kitchen and got a few boxes of Fig Newtons. Want a couple?

Sheila: You’re only holding two bars.

Carl: Well, I ate the rest.

Sheila: Carl, do you happen to remember signing this mortgage?

Carl: Nope. I rarely remember anything I do at work since I often go into a sugar coma when I get home for some reason.

Sheila: Carl, I think you have a problem.

Carl: I do not! It’s just a little fixation on these delicious Fig Newtons.

Sheila: You need help. That’s it, Carl, I’m leaving! And I’m taking the Fig Newtons!

Carl: Hey, wait, those Newtons are delicious! I mean…uh…our marriage is still strong!

Sheila: I said I was leaving, not that I wanted a divorce!

Carl: But the script from last week said–

Sheila: What are you talking about?! I’m just going to get the number of a rehab clinic.

Carl: I can’t really hear you over the sound of me passing out.

SFX: Carl passes out.

Sheila: Oh, dear God. I’m taking him home. Marty, lock up when you’re done.

Sanders: You might want to check his head for any blunt force trauma.

Sheila: Why’s that?

Sanders: Oh, no reason.

Erica: Does the mortgage give an address?

Marty: The cabin is at 306 Malefactor Drive.

Fluid: Wait, that’s where we traced Rachel Carson’s call in Ohio.

Marty: Well, this one is here in New York State.

DSNT: That’s a stupid coincidence.

Marie: Places with the same address have similar religious significance to the Blue-Footed Booby.

Sanders: Again, we should have expected this.

Fluid: What is all this about religious significance?!

Erica: There’s no time to–

Fluid: Oh, never mind.

Erica: We have to get there quickly.

Phil: We can use my thingy!

SFX: Ridiculous sound effect.

Marty: What is that?!

Phil: It’s me mode of conveyance! See, you just put your foot in the hole, and then…

DSNT: Is this safe?

Erica: You’ve never seen one of these before?

Phil: Oh, you must be a thingy enthusiast!

Erica: I do love thingies.

Narrators: Our heroes take Phil Collins’ thingy to 306 Malefactor Drive in the New York Adirondacks.

Phil: Here we are in the Adirondacks! I think. I don’t really know America very well.

Erica: This is 306 Malefactor Drive. And this must be the cabin.

Phil: How do you know that?

Erica: You may have noticed the swirling hellfire in the sky.

Phil: How about that?

Marie: The hour of the demon is nigh. We must stop Rachel Carson before her plan comes to fruition!

Fluid: What plan?! Why the hell is there hellfire in the sky?!

Narrator: Meanwhile, inside the cabin…

Rachel: Has the skylight in the cabin been properly placed?

Joker: Yes, ma’am.

Rachel: And has the chandelier been placed properly so as to reflect the hellfire’s light onto the virgin?

Toshi: I am not a virgin!

Joker: Yes. Why do we need to do that? Is it better for the ritual?

Rachel: No, it’ll just look nice. I like it when things look nice. And it’ll be better for when those pesky DJs come in.

SFX: Door breaks down.

Phil: Phil Collins smash!

DSNT: Stop right there, Rachel Carson! Your…whatever you’re doing…must stop!

Rachel: I’m glad you asked.

SFX: Mechanical shackles.

Fluid/DSNT: Ah!

Rachel: I see you stepped right into my trap. Your arms and legs have been shackled and immobilized.

DSNT: You bastard!

Erica: Stall her for time while I figure out the proper acid to burn through your shackles!

Phil: Can I help?

Marie: Stay out of the way, Mr. Collins.

Joker: If it isn’t the people from The Sacred Order of KFC. Want I should kill ‘em, boss?

Rachel: Knock yourself out.

Joker: Yippie!

SFX: He draws a knife.

Sanders: Quick, Marie, the jetpacks!

SFX: Two jetpacks taking off.

Joker: Not so fast!

SFX: The Joker takes off, as well.

Marty: What’s going on? What do I do? How do I help?!

Marie: Watch out!

SFX: The three jetpackers fly by and hit Marty.

Marty: Ow!

Rachel: I’ve orchestrated this perfectly and there’s nothing you can do to stop it. You see, after putting subliminal messages into the work of popular artists such as Phil Collins to drink Mr Pibb, I bought the Mr Pibb company. I put a kind of mind-control serum made of brainium into Mr Pibb products that would lower the will of everyone who drinks it so when I say the correct words I can harness their mental energy to raise from the dead everyone who has ever been born with too many hormones! You see, people with too many hormones make tremendous fighters because they’re so large and hairy! I had the clerk at the Oberlin branch sell the last of the cassettes and kill itself so I could raise it from the dead almost immediately to become the mighty warlord of my undead hormonal army! With said massive army, I can take over the planet! And once I’m Queen of the planet, I can make everyone stop using DDT! *Evil laughter*

Fluid: You’ll never get away with this!

Erica: I got it! I made the acid with a single strand of my hair, this dust from the floor of the cabin, some of the human blood from the fountains, and a gentle spray from my bottle of Marie Curie’s perfume.

DSNT: Marie Curie made a perfume?

Erica: Science for Women.

SFX: Acid burning through the shackles.

DSNT: We’re free!

Rachel: Damn scientists! Joker, kill her!

SFX: The Joker crashes to the ground and his jetpack explodes.

Joker: I can’t help but notice I’m burning to death.

Rachel: Dammit!

SFX: Marie and Sanders land.

Sanders: Stop right there!

Rachel: You’ll never stop me now! You see, all I have to do is finish this ritual! I’ll just poke the virgin with this straight pin, hold up this diamond worth 500 gold pieces and utter the words “Mass Raise Dead!!!”

SFX: Poking noise.

Toshi: Ow!

Rachel: Mass Raise Dead!!!

(Beat.)

Rachel: Why isn’t anything happening?

DSNT: Um. That only works in Dungeons & Dragons.

Rachel: What?!

Fluid/DSNT: What?

Narrator: Meanwhile, in Scotland…

Sean: I feel a strange disturbance…in the butt.

(Ten second silence.)

Narrator: The next day, in the station lobby, A Fluid Thing and DSNT are waiting for the broadcaster before them to finish.

Fluid: Well, I’m glad that’s over.

DSNT: Yeah. Damn, Marie and Colonel Sanders gave Rachel Carson the most entertainingly brutal beating I’ve seen in a long time. Well, I guess that just goes to show you something about conservationism. Don’t rely on false sciences and religions to achieve your ends.

Fluid: I hope Marty gets out of the hospital soon.

DSNT: Well, you know jetpack wounds. I’m sure his pelvis will recover by next week.

SFX: Door opening, footsteps.

Erica: Hello, you two!

Fluid: Hi, Erica! How’d your show go?

Erica: Well. I taught the listeners how to make super napalm. Is your show next?

DSNT: It’s in a half hour. The Station Manager took this half hour to play all the PSAs we have on file to make up for the fact that our shows are the only ones that actually read them.

Erica: Hey, did you ever happen to hear back from Flavor Fresh and Amelia Earhart?

Fluid: I thought he’d call you.

DSNT: Yeah, he’s dead. She actually is a cannibal. I don’t know what he was hearing when she said that, but…

Fluid: I’m sure he’ll turn up eventually.

DSNT: He’s dead! He’s not going to turn up! He was eaten! By a cannibal!

Erica: He’ll probably be in tomorrow.

DSNT: NO! HE’S DEAD!

Fluid: No, the Joker is dead.

DSNT: I think you mean Heath Led–

Erica: Phil has his rights back. He wrote me an email saying he’s going to make an album about his experience with this. It’s called Songs About Me Divorce.

Fluid: I got a call from the Flickers. Carl apparently had a great day of rehab and is actually doing his job now.

DSNT: Let’s see how long that lasts. I got a package slip today and I think it’s probably a basket of lunchmeats.

Erica: By the way, there’s a new public service announcement we’re all supposed to read. It’s about a new whoring service’s cruise line, Tsunami of Love.

Fluid: Isn’t that staffed entirely by the same whore Rachel Carson tried to sacrifice?

Erica: Toshi, yes.

DSNT: Ha ha! Tokyo Joe’s. What a great whoring service. Uh, not that I’ve used it. Much. Today.

SFX: Door opening, footsteps.

Station Manager: There you two are! Okay, that’s it. You’re both fired. For real.

Erica: What?! Why would you fire them?!

Station Manager: I just got a call from the Ad Council. A self-made PSA about lubricant?! Come on. I’ve had it with you two! Every time you say anything on the radio it gets me into a lot of trouble, and I just can’t deal with it any more. And, yes, I know a third of the radio’s regular programming is done by you two, but it’s worth finding a bunch of two-bit tasteless hipsters to replace you so I don’t have to deal with the wake of destruction you leave behind every day! You know what?! I hate noise music! It’s crap! It doesn’t belong on the radio! Hipsters have no discernible taste in anything! I’d love to see the universe rid of them! But, the only thing worse for the radio than hipsters is blatantly offensive content. And, unless the FCC stops frivolously fining everyone who says “firetruck” or plays a racy song, I’ll just have to staff this entire station with worthless human beings who say, “Uh, yeah, this next song…this…uh…it’ll blow your mind, man. I really…we should look up who wrote this.” AAAAAAAAAHH!!!!

Fluid: Eh, we’re not fired.

DSNT: Yeah, let’s go in early and play some Genesis.

SFX: Sussudio.

Narrator: And, now for the credits!

(All done in the appropriate voices.)

Chad: I’m Chad Putka! I played…Carl Flicker, Satan, and The Prospector!

Chris: I’m Chris Gentes! I played Tokyo Joe Nagaman and Rachel Carson!

CJ: I’m CJ Penso! I played THE CLERK and Marie Bite-Cul!

Danny: I’m Danny Kessler! I played Marty, Queen Elisabeth and Sean Connery Number 3!

Hillary: I’m Hillary Carter! I played Sheila Flicker and Martha Stewart!

Joe: I’m Joe! I played Phil Collins, Toshi, Bill O’Limbaugh, and Sean Connery Number 2!

Mary: I’m Mary Heatwole! I played Dr. Erica Dyer and Beverly Busson!

Mora: I’m Mora Harris! I played the Station Manager, Amelia Earhart, and Sue-Bob!

Ralph: I’m Ralph Johnson1 I played all three Narrators, The Joker, and Sean Connery Number 4!

Ben: I’m Ben Ferber! I played…DJ A Fluid Thing, Dr. DJ Flavor Fresh, and Kermit T. Frog!

Donnie: I’m Donnie McEwan! I played DJ DSNT, the real Sean Connery, and the Swine Farmer!

All: I’m a doctor, Mulder!

(To add to this: Colonel Sanders.)