SFX: Sussudio

DSNT: Hello! I’m DJ DSNT

Fluid: And I’m DJ A Fluid Thing. We’re here in the studio with Phil Collins, of Phil Collins fame. What do you have to say to our listeners, Phil?

Phil: Great! See, it’s been quite a while since someone complimented me on me work. To answer your question, Tim, I was working on me many solo projects up until the other day, when I discovered me new passion. See, me new “thing” is the Alamo. I’ve stopped being Phil Collins the singer. This has become what I do.

DSNT: …no one complimented you.

Phil: Didn’t you? When you said “we’re here in the studio”?

Fluid: That’s not at all what that means.

Phil: Oh.

(beat)

Phil: See, there’s a much better soundtrack to life in me head. I’m usually hearing people compliment me when they talk.

DSNT: That certainly explains a lot. Why don’t you tell us about you newest fascination?

Phil: Oh! See, I wouldn’t call it a fascination. The Alamo is who I am now. See, I was sitting in the tub playing with me rubber ducky and I remembered Vietnam. See, back in ‘Nam, we didn’t have baths, we had dirt, but we liked it! One time in ’73, Sarge hadn’t bathed for well over six months, unless you count all the times he bathed in the blood of gook innocents of course. So we had to go out looking for how to get him a bath. Wouldn’t you know it, right about then we ran into some slant-eyed lizard person and –

DSNT: Phil, I’m going to have to stop you right there and remind you of our policy on racial slurs.

Fluid: Actually, it’s perfectly okay to use racial slurs on air.

DSNT: In that case you’re a filthy Pollack and I hope you choke on your sausage.

Fluid: And I don’t much care for Antarcticans.

(Beat.)

Phil: Oh right, sorry. Anyway, so to make a long story short, once I was done eating me rubber ducky, I realized that the Alamo needed a mascot. That’s where I come in. I recently purchased "hundreds" of cannonballs, documents and other artifacts, including a receipt signed by Alamo commander William Barret Travis for 32 head of cattle used to feed the Alamo defenders.

Fluid: Uh huh…Speaking of the side projects you’re not doing anymore, what have we been listening to just now?

Phil: Oh, that was me song Sussudio, which as we all know is about me divorce. Let’s switch it over to one of me side projects: Phil Collins with the Phil Collins Big Band ft. Phil Collins.

SFX: Sussudio mark II

(beat)

DSNT: Well…this is…horrifying

Fluid: What possessed you to do this?

Phil: Well, see, I was still reeling from me fifteenth divorce when I realized what was missing from me life: playing the drums. See, I can’t read, write, drive, vote, talk and chew gum, subtract, see the color mauve, sing, or read music. I don’t know why I’d been trying to do all of those things in such concentration recently, I guess it’s because I’m a glutton for punishment. Anyway, so I thought I’d get back to me roots and play some drums.

Fluid: Well I have to say, this is fantastic drumming!

Phil: Isn’t it though? It reminds me of something me Uncle
Phil used to say to me. He’d sit me on his lap and say “Phil me boy. Listen to your Uncle Phil. Now see, you’re going to learn how to play the drums so that you can make money. Then every Thursday you’ll put five thousand dollars in an envelope and hand that envelope to a man named Phillipe. Phillipe will then do things to your fanny. And you’re not to tell ANYONE about it or God will smite you!

DSNT: …let’s take a quick break here to…uh…call the police. While we’re doing that let’s go to the next song “That’s All”

SFX: That’s All

(forty five second silence)

Fluid: Ok, I think we’ve got that under control. So this song is pretty sweet, tell us about it, Phil.

Phil: Well, when I wrote it I was living on top of a barn in Westchestershiresbury. Me only friends were me drumsticks and a cow named Rudy. So I was talking to Rudy one day when we had the idea that maybe we should write a song about the horrors of war. I based it off of the three divorces I had while serving in ‘Nam.

DSNT: I perceive this song as being something far less coherent and more baffling than about one of your many many divorces.

Phil: That’s the genius of it!

Fluid: Now let’s compare this to the big band arrangement

SFX: That’s All mark II

DSNT: See, now this is better.

Phil: Why do you say that?

DSNT: The lack of singing.

Phil: But me singing adds a lot to a song!

DSNT: Now, Phil, as you’ve said before, the art of subtraction eludes you, so I’m going to have to simplify this. In music, when you do something bad, it affects the output in a negative way.

Phil: Negative?

DSNT:…I mean bad. So what I’m saying here is that when you do something bad in a song, it makes it not as good. This is subtraction.

Phil: What do you mean by music, exactly?

DSNT: Nevermind. 

Fluid: So you’re a man of many talents, Phil. Tell us about some of your other hobbies.

Phil: Well, I’m a really big fan of cryptozoology. And juggling! I don’t juggle very well, which is why I usually do it with priceless Faberge eggs. I’m also a very big fan of divorces. I think getting divorced is just about my favorite thing in the world to do!

DSNT: Tell us about your most recent divorce.

Phil: This would probably be a good time for the next song

SFX: Invisible Touch, pause until 0:22

Phil: Well it’s funny that you bring it up. Since I’ve married and divorced all of the eligible women in England and I’m not allowed to marry me long succession of pool boys, I’ve had to find a very interesting loophole in divorce laws.

Fluid: Oh?

Phil: See, I have this wonderful woman I met recently. Her name…is Phillis Collins (her name should correspond with the chorus at 0:45)

SFX: …Joe making a silly noise.

Phillis: Hello!

Fluid: (pause) Phillis, I can’t help but notice that you’re Phil Collins in a wig.

Phillis: What?

DSNT: He’s right, after you introduced her, you made some kind of arm gesture and then put on a beehive wig.

Phillis: This is me natural hair!

Fluid: It’s purple

Phillis: I don’t see what difference that makes!

DSNT: Probably because you can’t see the color mauve…anyway, why don’t you tell us about your relationship with Phil?

Phillis: Well it all began one day when I was picking through his garbage. I saw him playing his drums on top of his roof, and I knew then that I had to divorce him.

Fluid: Don’t you mean “marry”?

Phillis: What’d I say?

Fluid: Divorce

Phillis: No no, I meant divorce. Anyway, so I dug a hole in his yard and got into it, covered meself in a mat of woven grass and watched him.

Phil: And then it began to rain.

Phillis: Yeah, it was a torrential downpour, actually. See, the section of England that Phil Collins lives in is actually the last remaining part of India in the British Empire. The Empire cut up a large section of southern India, put it on many ships in sections and brought it back to England.

Phil: And then I bought it! Using the money I made singing about me many divorces!

Phillis: Oh Phil! You’re so sexy when you talk about divorces!

Phil: Yeah? I’m pretty sure I want to divorce you right now, baby!

Phillis: Phil darling! Take me into the back room and divorce me right here! I can’t wait any more!

SFX: Footsteps

(beat until modulation at 2:42)

Fluid: Are they coming back? 

DSNT: I don’t know… While they’re gone, let’s listen to this big band version of Invisible Touch.

SFX: Invisible Touch mark II, pause until 3:10

Phil: Well that was an adventure!

Phillis: Oh god, Phil darling, I want to divorce you again when we get home!

Fluid: What is that you’re holding?

Phillis: It’s a copy of our divorce papers! It gets me so hot when Phil divorces me!

Fluid: Wait…you actually got divorced back there?

Phil: Of course, what did you think we were doing?

SFX: Boner bell

Phillis: Oh no, don’t be silly, Phil and I don’t do things like that! That would be so undignified!

DSNT: You’re married and you haven’t had sex?

Phil: What do you mean by sex, exactly?

DSNT: Uh…you see, when a stork and a cabbage love each other very much-

Fluid: It’s what grownups do during happy time!

Phillis: Oh no, during happy time, Phil and I like to buy things from the Alamo

Phil: And play the drums!

DSNT: This conversation is going nowhere good, let’s go to the next song: Hold on My Heart

SFX: Hold on My Heart wait until 0:11

DSNT: No, I’m sorry, I can’t let this slide. Phil, you have kids. How have you not had sex before?

Phil: Well, marriage is a difficult proposition. But I haven’t given up on it, either.

Fluid: That doesn’t really answer the question.

Phil: See, when me second wife and I were sending faxes back and forth about our divorce, we-

Phillis: Don’t you ever mention that cheap hussy!

Phil: What are you talking about?

Phillis: I see her in our bushes! She’s watching us!

Phil: Actually that’s Bill Bruford. He wants to have a gay affair with me.

Phillis: Still! Don’t talk about her; we’re working on our marriage!

Fluid: You just got divorced!

DSNT: Also, Phil, this is getting ridiculous. You don’t have to take the wig off whenever you’re being you and put it back on when you’re being Phillis.

Phil: I am a woman and a man!

Fluid: You’re not fooling anyone, Phil Collins. You only have one gender.

DSNT: Actually, gender is a social construct.

Phillis: Don’t be so heteronormative!

Fluid: I don’t think you’re using that correctly. Anyway, this song is completely lame, let’s go to the big band arrangement.

SFX: Hold On My Heart mark II pause until 1:05

Phillis: Well, I’m going to go home and prepare meself for all of the hot divorcing action we have planned for tonight.

Phil: Alright honeybunch, don’t forget the giant wooden alpaca!

Fluid: What?

Phil: Oh look! It’s me costume designer and best friend, Phileesha

Phileesha (a black female version of Phil Collins): Phil, boy, you is actin’ a fool

DSNT: Oh my sweet gentle Jesus…

Phil: Phileesha! How are things going down in your hood, girl?

Phileesha: Mmm mmm. This one beeyatch tried to get my fried chicken and grape soda, but I smacked her right in the weave!

Fluid: Now come on Phil Collins, this is just racist! And that wig isn’t fooling anyone.

Phil: Now, Phileesha is from the mean streets of Philadelphia, don’t try to tell her off. She might have to cut you.

Phileesha: I cut you sucka! Don’t think I won’t, cracka!

DSNT: We’re going to have to take a short break to put some sense back into Mr. Collins-

Fluid: With a wooden plank

DSNT: To the face… While we’re gone, enjoy the dulcet tones of I Don’t Care Anymore

SFX: I Don’t Care Anymore pause until 2:08

DSNT: Ok, so now we’ve injected Mr. Collins with liquid sense.

Phil: It tastes like cognizance

Fluid: How do you know that word?

Phil: It was on me VMP exam!

DSNT: Your what?

Phil: Me VMP exam!

Fluid: What does that stand for?

Phil: Vampire!

DSNT: You’re a vampire?

Phil: Yep

Fluid: No you aren’t. You don’t take an exam for that. You have to be bitten by a vampire.

Phil: Not me, I got mine through the internet!

DSNT: Maybe we should switch over the big band version of this song

SFX: I Don’t Care Anymore mark II pause until 0:32

DSNT: So back to the troubling matter of your fake vampirism

Phil: I’m a real vampire! I’ll show you the bloke who gave me the disease.

Phlad: Vla!

(beat)

Fluid: …Phil Collins. Putting on a cape and fake vampire teeth doesn’t make you a vampire. Or a different person for that matter. What is wrong with you?

Phil: What do you mean?

Phlad: Vla. I am a vampire. Believe me!

DSNT: I don’t believe you. In fact, the longer this interview goes on, the more I consider killing you and stealing your fortune.

Phlad: Seven! Seven bats!

Fluid: I would consider most of it to be ill-gotten gains, considering that you’re completely loony.

Phlad: Don’t make me turn you into a vampire…through email correspondence!

DSNT: I’m pretty sure you can’t get vampirism through the internets.

Fluid: I believe the term is “intarwebs”

DSNT: Right, right, all of them.

Phil: Actually, I kind of don’t want this vampirism anymore. It’s making me weak and sickly. Also I keep getting this same cold really bad.

Fluid: Wait, that’s not vampirism; that’s AIDS.

(beat)

SFX: Against All Odds pause until 1:00

Phil: I think this song is particularly brilliant because of the clarity with which you can tell that it’s about me divorce.

DSNT: You know, Phil Collins, the fact that a song is about your divorce doesn’t mean that it’s automatically good.

Fluid: In fact, that probably means that it’s self-indulgent, and probably has really bad music. Also you shouldn’t play the piano.

DSNT: Or sing. You singing is a bad move.

Phil: I can’t walk and chew gum either, don’t forget about that.

DSNT: Well it was just kind of assumed.

Fluid: I have a question. So if Wikipedia is to be believed, you can’t read music, and since you were a small child, you’ve been using a notation system which you devised on your own.

Phil: That’s right!

Fluid: I guess what I’m asking is: since you’re worth umpteen million dollars, why don’t you just learn how to read music correctly? It’s not that hard.

Phil: Allow me to answer your question with a long rambling story. See, I was living in a small village in Cuba. I hadn’t caught a fish in about 84 days. So me apprentice had been forbidden from sailing with me again. Anyway, as luck would have it, I decided to go out one more time and catch a fish. So I caught a fish and it was enormous! So then I stabbed it with my harpoon and fashioned its head into a ship. I then sailed that ship to deepest darkest Africa where I had a tiff with the locals on my way to meet with a man in my trading company. Along the way I had many adventures and learned to respect my rival Sher Khan, who naturally was a tiger. Sometime during this I met a beautiful young cub named Nala. We traveled to an elephant graveyard where, after making whoopee several times we divorced and had to split up the assets among our twelve friends who learned stuff from me. Then I was beset by the Romans after having a dinner where I was really drunk and was talking about how I was food. After me friend Pete pretended he didn’t know me because of my earlier drunken antics he went on to use his wonderful powers of songwriting to woo Drew Barrymore, who wrote the lyrics to some songs for him. Then it turned out that the song was about his childhood sled which turned out to be made out of people. Also he killed Dumbledore. Who was a crab person.

(beat)

SFX: Against All Odds mark II. Pause until 0:30

Fluid: See, if you masturbate with just your forefinger, you probably have a very tiny penis. I don’t think I can even curl mine into a circle. It would have to be molecules thin. And then it would probably break!

Phil: What?

DSNT: What he’s saying is that this is largely masturbatory. Except people want to see this even less.

Phil: Back when I lived in Turkey, we would all go out to the forests to watch the spider monkeys play with themselves. One day, though, me friend Phillip got too close and enraged the gigantic, rabid tribe of masturbating spider monkeys. Luckily, we’d brought our tasers and loaded them with extra batteries. Unfortunately, though, Phillip never walked quite the same again. I guess what I’m saying is never live in Turkey, because the monkeys there are insane. Though, now that I think about it, I think most of this might have been an elaborate drug-induced fantasy to block out another, far worse memory of my three years living in the Philippines.

DSNT: All right.