Narrator: We join our still-intrepid DJs on an average workday. They have spent most of the day expertly trolling the airwaves with Christian rock.

SFX: Sleeping Jesus

Fluid: And that was a little Jesus music to start off our afternoon.

DSNT: I do love me some Jesus music.

Fluid: That’s a pretty strange song though, when you consider the lyrics…

DSNT: Yeah…sleeping Jesus? It reminds me of the eternal slumber of the starborn ones.

Fluid: Umm…yeah, I guess. Except Christianity is a legitimate religion.

DSNT: That is not dead which can eternal lie. And with strange aeons, even death may die.

Fluid: I’m uncomfortable being in the same room with you sometimes. This brings us to our next song, by Phil Collins. It’s from his new album, Blue Dabba Dooba, where he’s really turned around his stagnant career.

DSNT: It’s weird to consider how religion sometimes makes people better at music. Take Neal Morse for example. Hmm…

Fluid: Religion? Blue Dabba Dooba isn’t about religion at all, it’s about Phil’s divorces.

DSNT: No, it’s clearly about Phil’s new religious rapture.

Fluid: You mean…divorce?

DSNT: I said religious, not sexual.

Fluid: The Alamo?

DSNT: No, no, no. Though, on an unrelated note, in a landmark Supreme Court case this week, Phil Collins has actually married and divorced the Alamo.

Fluid: Can you marry a historical event?

DSNT: Evidently so. And, sometime during his honeymoon with the Alamo, he underwent some strange changes. See, he began wearing all blue and–

Fluid: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait…wait. He had a honeymoon with the Alamo?

DSNT: Yeah, didn’t you read about that?

Fluid: How did that even work?

DSNT: Clearly you didn’t listen closely enough to “Sussudio”

Fluid: What are you talking about?

DSNT: That entire song is actually an homage to his…uh…drumsticks.

Fluid: …What?

DSNT: Penis.

Fluid: Oh–

DSNT: PHIL COLLINS’ PENIS.

(Beat.)

DSNT: Think about it though, if you read it as Sussudio being the name of his penis, the song makes perfect sense.

(Beat.)

Fluid: What happened with the cult thing?

DSNT: Right! Well, according to the article I read, he started wearing all blue and recorded some really great prog rock songs. So, clearly something’s terribly wrong.

Fluid: I’m not sure if that means he’s joined a cult, though. Think about it: if Phil Collins wearing all blue means he’s part of a blue clothing cult, John Lennon would be part of a white clothing cult.

DSNT: John Lennon was already part of a cult.

Fluid: Buddhism isn’t–

DSNT: YES IT IS, SHUT UP.

Fluid: Listen, I’m just saying that Phil Collins–

SFX: Explosion.

Station Manager: What the hell do you think you’re doing?!

Fluid: Huh?

Station Manager: Why are you talking about Phil Collins’… thingy on the air?!

DSNT: Because…it’s…funny?

SM: No, it isn’t! It’s completely uncalled for! Plus, if you’d read the NSA’s memo I posted on the station bulletin board, you would know that Phil Collins is not to be talked about on the radio anymore.

Fluid: Wait, why is that?

SM: I can’t tell you, it’s classified.

DSNT: Did you say the NSA?

SM: I can’t say any more. Except I will tell you that as the nation’s leading experts on Phil Collins, the government has bought us these plane tickets and fake identities so that we can infiltrate the cult he’s a part of and bring them to justice.

Fluid: Well, that was a lot of expositional material.

Both: WE’RE GOING ON A TRIP!

DSNT: Hey, are we still broadcasting all this?

Fluid: Well, look at that.

Station Manager: Oh, crap! No!

DSNT: Phil Collins, if you’re listening, which I’m sure you weren’t, I guess we’ll see you in a few hours!

Fluid: In honor of our government-paid trip, we’ll play a J-Pop song called “Holiday” by our favorite band, Do As Infinity.

SFX: Holiday.

Station Manager: We were broadcasting all of that?!

DSNT: Nobody listens to this station.

Station Manager: Oh, right.

Fluid: So, we’re flying to the Alamo to gather clues?

Station Manager: Right.

DSNT: So we’re going, basically, from Cleveland to San Antonio

Station Manager: Right.

Fluid: I’m looking at these tickets you gave us…why is it necessary for us to have to fly from Cleveland to Seattle to New York to New Orleans to Houston, then go by train to Cheyanne Wyoming, hike to Yellowstone, where a car will take us to the Western outskirts of San Antonio, where we’ll be transported by shuttle bus to the other side of the city, where we rendezvous at a stable to ride on horseback to the center of the city so we can start investigating the battleground?

Station Manager: So no one will follow us.

DSNT: But the whole, you know, horseback thing at the end kind of ruins that whole plan.

SM: Well no one said it was a good plan, but since it was provided by the government, along with our disguises, mind you, we should just take it and not complain about it.

Fluid: But our disguises consist of these glasses with a fake nose, mustache and eyebrows, a bowler hat for me, and a pirate hat with a peacock feather for DSNT.

DSNT: Not to mention the fact that they’ve got you decked out as the mascot for the Phillies.

SM: It’s not that noticeable.

DSNT: Except for your animatronic parrot.

Parrot: Squawk! Firetruck firetruck!

SFX: Knock.

Fluid: Who would that be at this awful hour of the…uh…afternoon. Sorry, I’m not used to being on the radio when up to four people are listening.

Station Manager: It’s probably just some of the cult’s bounty hunters come to kill us. Let’s just leave out the window. It’s time to catch our plane anyway.

SFX: Blue.

Narrator: We go now…to a blue world. With a little blue house…blue dabba dee dabba die.

Cult Leader: So, Mr. Collins, you are rather rich. Since you have been so involved in our organization as of late we figured that you would want to pay us so that you could rise in level.

Phil: Well, I dunno, I’m pretty happy with where I am now!

Cult Leader: You would be much happier knowing more about our faith, Phil.

Phil: I don’t know about that. I tend to do better when I don’t know anything and have no power.

Cultist 1: You mean, like in Genesis?

Cult Leader: DO NOT INSULT MISTER COLLINS, LACKEY! Well, Phil…perhaps you should think about it…over dinner.

Phil: Well that would be lovely, thank you!

SFX: Footsteps, cling of plates.

Cultist 2: This is your dinner.

Phil: This soup looks wonderful.

Cultist 2: It’s potato and bacon stew; might I offer you some ground death, I mean pepper?

Phil: No, but thank you. I’m on a diet.

Cultist 2: DAMN!

SFX: Footsteps

Cult Leader: Is the soup to your satisfaction?

Phil: Yeah, it’s wonderful! So tasty. Its faint musky odor reminds me of me second divorce.

Cult Leader: Does it now…?

Phil: Yeah, it was a happier time for me, a simpler time. See I had just decided that I was actually into women again, I was living in a thatched hut off to the side of our recording studio. Now, mind you, thatched huts back in those days were actually made of old pairs of pants, due to the Great Thatch Shortage of ’71. Anyway, so we were laying there in bed one night when me wife said “Phil, darling, how do you feel about alternative fuels?” and I said “What’s fuel?” and she said “So what I’m thinking, is why don’t we use the power of our divorce to power a car” and at this point, naturally, I didn’t know about our divorce, or cars, or about how waste treatment plants worked. Let me tell you, that was a really informative documentary. I had no idea that Snuffleupagus was real or that women were so into him. Sexually, I mean. Anyway, so I’m reeling from the news of my divorce when–

Cult Leader: I see you’ve finished your soup, Phil. Lackey, present Mr. Collins with the bill.

SFX: Paper ruffling.

Phil: This is a bill for 30,000 dollars!

Cult Leader: But, it was the best soup you’ve ever had, right?

Phil: Well…yeah. Not that I know anything about soup, or food in general, or nutrition, or really anything having to do with edible or non-edible solids or liquids.

Cult Leader: You can learn how to make this soup if you pay us double that price.

Phil: I…MUST…KNOW!!!

Narrator: Somewhere outside of San Antonio, we join our hapless DJs and their station manager.

Fluid: I THINK…I’M GOING TO PASS OUT…SO HOT HERE.

DSNT: That’s just all the horse penises.

Station Manager: Actually, I think it’s because he’s wearing that hat. A Fluid Thing, You can take off that wool bowler hat now, you know, the disguises were just for the flight. We’ve outrun those bounty hunters, so we won’t need them anymore.

Fluid: HAT…TOO COOL-LOOKING…TO REMOVE.

DSNT: Just throw him on a horse, he’ll get over it.

Station Manager: Couldn’t he get brain-damaged from keeping his head so hot?

DSNT: Nothing that didn’t happen yeserday.

Station Manager: What?

DSNT: What?

Sean Connery: IN THE BUTT!!!

Station Manager: Who the hell are you?!

Sean Connery: I’m glad you asked. I’m Sean Connery. The US government put me in charge of this here stable for some reason. I think it had to do with butt jokes. I’m not quite sure. Here, have some horse-penises!

Station Manager: What?!

Sean Connery: Well, they also come with a free horse attached. Ha ha!

Station Manager: You’re insane.

Sean Connery: Take your horses and go, woman, before I Thunderball you.

DSNT: Mr. Connery, I’d like to take this rare opportunity to tell you that you’re a beautiful man and I aspire to someday make sweet, sweet love to your great, great grandchildren.

Sean Connery/Station Manager: WHAT?!

DSNT: In their butts.

Narrator: Our DJs trek through the city ignoring the gawks, gazes and genitals of San Antonio’s more…colorful residents.

Fluid: Why did we have to detour through the gay mental asylum?!

Narrator: They approach the Alamo and feel a sense of grim foreboding. (Beat.) Pikachu.

Fluid: So this is the Alamo! It’s quite scenic.

Station Manager: Yes, it is, at least if you ignore all the strip clubs.

DSNT: Did you say at least if you factor in all the strip clubs?

(Beat.)

DSNT: Can we go to a strip club?

Station Manager: I think we should start by spreading out and looking for clues.

Fluid: Clues of what?

Station Manager: Any strange occult behavior. The color blue is very important to them, so look out for that.

DSNT: I’ll start at the strip club.

Station Manager: No you won’t.

DSNT: Okay, I’ll start at the gift shop.

Station Manager: Perhaps we should, uh, go somewhere less stupid.

Fluid: I’ll check out the far side of the battleground, over at the fort.

Station Manager: Yes, I’ll start right over there, too. DSNT…try to stay out of our way?

DSNT: I’ll be in the gift shop. Or the strip club. No, actually, that gift shop looks more promising.

Narrator: Using their investigatory prowess, our heroes uncover…stuff. Their investigation is an investigatory work of investigatory genius. What will happen next!? We’ll find out after this word from our sponsors.

Chris: Ever think what would happen if you played the violin with a banana? Well, even on a Stradivarius, it would sound pretty darn awful. See, there are three chief differences between horsehair and banana fibers, the first of course being in the number of inappropriate jokes one can make about them. Because while horse penis jokes are extremely funny, banana jokes can go so much farther. Find out just how far they can go at smallstep.gov. A public service announcement brought to you by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, the Ad Council, this station, and Electrosaurus Rex.

Narrator: We return to our intrepid heroes, DJ DSNT, DJ A Fluid Thing and the Station Manager, searching the Alamo for The Blüe Oyster Cult. They have been sifting through cowbells for several hours.

Fluid: So I looked through the fort. I couldn’t find anything.

Station Manager: I think I may have found some clues. I wasn’t finding anything on the walls or anything, so I decided that I should look through crowd. Try to determine if any of the tourists looked cult-y at all.

Fluid: Did they?

SM: No. Then I decided to think harder. I realized that the cultists would probably try to leave clues for each other. So they would know where their lair is. I started searching on the ground for mundane clues, and I think I may be on to something. There were a large number of blue warhead wrappers in the center of the fort. I think we should spend some time after hours looking for a trap door.

Fluid: Capitol! I’ll get the tools.
DSNT: Hey ya’ll.

Station Manager: Oh good, you came back.

Fluid: Did you find anything?

DSNT: Any thing? Not really, no.

Station Manager: Well, that’s a surprise. Do you ever do anything that has any goddamn merit outside of being offensive?

DSNT: It’s funny that you should ask. See, I was in the gift shop when I noticed their supply of blue condoms. I thought I’d pull a goof on you and try to have sex with you with a blue condom. What with the whole “oh no, we’re looking for a bunch of cultists who have a thing for the color blue” thing, I figured it’d be funny. Anyway, so I get to the counter and what do you know, it’s Phil Collins. So I say to him “Phil my boy, what are you doing working at the gift shop of the Alamo?” and he says to me that he got cheated out of 60,000 dollars. Anyway, we spent a while talking about his new album when he awkwardly tried to convert me to his new religion. Hahaha, what a great story. Anyway, what I’m really trying to say here is: can I put a blue condom in your vagina? It may or may not contain my penis.

Station Manager: Oh, my god! You’ve done it!

DSNT: Wait, that actually worked?

Station Manager: You have a chance to go undercover!

DSNT: Well, I’m not sure about that. I mean I don’t know you that well. The condom thing was just a joke.

Station Manager: You can be an inside man.

DSNT: I would be pretty uncomfortable with that, actually. I don’t even know your name, Station Manager.

SM: YOU DON’T HAVE A CHOICE. YOU WILL DO WHAT I SAY!

DSNT: Alright…well, they had a blue ball gag at the gift shop, should I go back?

SM: Yes! Get in there now. (Beat.) Oh, that all came out wrong–

Fluid: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait. Before this gets ridiculous, I’m just going to suggest that we all go into the gift shop and talk to Phil Collins about his cult.

SFX: Batman transition.

Phil: ‘Ello!

DSNT: Yeah, as it turns out, I think I would actually like that ball gag.

Station Manager: Mr. Collins! We hear you’ve found a fantastic new religion.

Phil: Oh, I’m glad you asked! See, I was writing an allegorical song about me divorce that used blue raspberries as imagery, and then I realized I didn’t know what allegory, imagery, or the color blue were. I delved deep into my love, the Alamo, to try to find some sort of word explaining book, I think they’re called dictiobutts. Long story short, I woke up bound and gagged, and I had found God through the color blue. I’m still not 100% sure what God or the color blue are, but I know where they are, and that’s the secret base under this gift shop I’m not supposed to talk about.

Station Manager: Why aren’t you supposed to talk about it?

Phil: Well, they cheated me out of lots of me money in exchange for a recipe for potato and bacon stew and the horrible truth that their entire organization is just a gigantic pyramid scheme. Speaking of which, would you like to buy some real estate?

Fluid: Does it happen to be in Florida?

Phil: Why, yes it is!

Fluid: I’ve always wanted to live in Florida! Hey, DSNT, do you want to buy some real estate?

DSNT: You’re an idiot. Though, this cult is running a surprisingly effective real estate pyramid scheme if they’re selling land in Florida.

Phil: That’s not actually the cult’s pyramid scheme, I’m just working a side job. Which I’m starting to suspect may be a pyramid scheme. I’d probably know for sure if I actually knew what a pyramid scheme was. See, in addition to showing me God, me religion has taught me lots of fancy buzzwords like pyramid scheme.

Station Manager: You mean to tell me the cult leader told you you’re part of a pyramid scheme but you didn’t quit because you don’t know what a pyramid scheme is? Why didn’t you ask him what he meant?

Phil: I prefer to be left in the dark about things I fear will make me sad.

(Beat.)

DSNT: Well, we’re done here.

Fluid: Wanna sell our return plane tickets and take a detour to Florida?

DSNT: You had me at “to.”

Station Manager: Wait! The government wants us to expose this cult for what it really is!

Fluid: Yeah, but there’s nothing to expose. Pyramid schemes aren’t illegal.

Station Manager: Yes, they are.

(Beat.)

Fluid: Are you sure–

Station Manager: Yes.

(Beat.)

Fluid: No, I’m pretty sure they aren’t–

Station Manager: They are.

(Beat.)

Phil: Would you like to find eternal salvation?

DSNT: Yes, we would.

Phil: Wonderful! Put on these blindfolds and come with me.

Narrator: As our heroes are initiated into the cult, we join the lackeys in the middle of an important conversation.

Cultist 1: I’m beginning to think this cult is a pyramid scheme!

Cultist 2: Blasphemy!

Cultist 1: No, really! I was reading the Wikipedia article on it, and–

Cultist 2: This cult shuns Wikipedia!

Cultist 1: I know, but it’s not the biggest deal–

Cultist 2: The leader killed Jeffy last month for reading about Exploding Head Syndrome!

Cultist 1: Well, that was Jeffy! Nobody liked him anyway.

Cultist 2: I was dating Jeffy.

Cultist 1: I mean, uh, I…I was on Wikipedia to avenge Jeffy’s death!

Cultist 2: You’re an ass. I’m telling the leader that you used Wikipedia.

Cultist 1: No, wait! Stop!

Cultist 2: See you in hell.

Cultist 1: I was rifling through some files and found out what the leader’s been doing to her enemies…she’s–

SFX: Door opening, footsteps.

Cult Leader: Lackeys! Good to see you. We have some new initiates.

Cultist 1: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

SFX: Running away.

DSNT: What was that?

Cult Leader: Oh, that? Uh…that’s a normal response to my presence. I’m very attractive. The doorman will grab him on his way out and take care of him.

Fluid: Can we take our blindfolds off?

Cult Leader: No.

Phil: Can I take me blindfold off?

Cult Leader: You don’t need to be wearing a blindfold, Phil.

Phil: Oh, right! I think I’ll leave it on, anyway. It’s nice and toasty.

Cult Leader: We charge an extra 10,000 dollars for every minute you leave your blindfold on.

Phil: Worth it.

Cultist 2: Do you want me to initiate these three?

Station Manager: Initiate?! What does that mean?

Cult Leader: Oh, it’s nothing too violent. You’ll just feel a little blue, afterwards.

Fluid: Dabba dee dabba die?

Cult Leader: Something like that.

Cultist 2: Okay, everyone remove your pants.

DSNT: I like where this is going.

SFX: Ridiculous noise on repeat.

Fluid: What the hell is that?!

DSNT: I really like where this is going.

Station Manager: …What’s touching my leg?

DSNT: Oh, that’s just my hand.

Station Manager: The other leg.

Cult Leader: Oh, that’s my hand.

Fluid: Then, what’s that sound?

Cultist 2: We just play it to disconcert people while they’re being initiated.

Station Manager: Is sexual harassment the initiation?

Cult Leader: Oh, no, you just have nice legs.

Fluid: So, what’s the initiation?

Cult Leader: Just wait…

(Beat.)

Fluid: Well?

Cult Leader: Be patient!

(Beat.)

DSNT: Can I go to the bathroom?

Cult Leader: No! Lackey, speed it up.

Cultist 2: Sorry, Jeffy usually did this.

Cult Leader: Where’s Jeffy?

Cultist 2: You killed him.

Cult Leader: Oh, right. Well, nobody really liked Jeffy, anyway.

Phil: I liked Jeffy!

Cultist 2: You joined a week after Jeffy died!

Phil: I’m still allowed to like things…

Cultist 2: Okay, we’re ready.

SFX: The sound stops.

(Beat.)

Fluid/DSNT/Station Manager: AAAAAAAH!

Cultist 2: Sorry about that.

Fluid: Are you rubbing our legs with fish?

Cultist 2: It’s blue cheese, actually, it’s just been in the freezer for while.

DSNT: What is this supposed to accomplish other than giving me an erection?

Cultist 2: It’s a religious sexual experience that – wait, you don’t even have…

DSNT: I didn’t say it was succeeding.

Cult Leader: That’s enough! Take their blindfolds off.

Station Manager: Wait, can we put our pants back on first?

Cult Leader: Oh, right, sure. I took enough pictures, already, anyway.

Fluid: Is this a religion or just a horrible medium for sexual harassment?

Cult Leader: I’m glad you asked…

SFX: Removing blindfolds.

Cult Leader: Because I’m Michael Jackson.

Station Manager: WHAT?!

DSNT: OH MY GOD.

Phil: Hey, that’s not what you look like.

Cult Leader: Ha! Got you. It’s just a rubber mask.

Fluid: Where’d you get such a lifelike mask of Michael Jackson’s face?

Cult Leader: Oh, it is his face.

Station Manager: What?

Cult Leader: Aside from finding God through sexual experiences with blue cheese, we rip people’s faces off. Here’s the face of one of our less devout members.

Cultist 2: Is that Jeffy’s face?!

Cult Leader: Indeed it is, lackey.

Cultist 2: That’s it, I quit. I just joined for the free cheese, anyway.

Cult Leader: But, you can’t quit! We’ll just have to rip your face off.

Cultist 2: Up yours.

SFX: Walking away.

Phil: Aren’t you going to go after them? They could reveal your terrible secrets that I still don’t quite understand.

Cult Leader: Just wait a minute.

SFX: Footsteps.

Dick: Hey, leader woman, these two guys was a trying to escape. Want me to rip they’s faces off?

Cult Leader: That would be lovely, Dick. Everyone, meet Dick, our doorman. Phil, he’s a higher-up in the society, like you.

Phil: Then why’s he a doorman?

Cult Leader: Same reason you’re working in our gift shop, to pay off his 60,000 dollars.

Dick: So, I can rip they’s faces off now?

Cult Leader: Sure, Dick.

DSNT: What’s up with your using first names all the time?

Cult Leader: It’s a sign of mutual religious respect for the cheese within those high up in the group like us. If you all pay 60,000 dollars, too, I’ll learn your first names and teach you a great stew recipe.

Fluid: Hey, DSNT, do you have 60,000 dollars on you?

Cultist 1: MY FACE!!!

Dick: He’s face ain’t easy to rip.

Cult Leader: Use the tweezers, Dick. Now, since you three have joined, you can either be lackeys and smear cheese on our initiates or pay up and get a job selling our many face-based wears.

DSNT: Face-based?

Cultist 1: HE’S RIPPING MY FACE OFF!!!

Cult Leader: Everything in the gift shop upstairs is made of faces.

Fluid: I’m very uncomfortable with this.

Cult Leader: If you can get someone to buy in bulk and start selling our products themselves, we’ll give you an extra 10,000 dollars towards making your initial 60,000 back.

DSNT: This sounds like a pyramid scheme.

Station Manager: This is a pyramid scheme! It’s illegal!

Cultist 1: MY FACE IS IN SO MUCH PAIN RIGHT NOW!!!

Cultist 2: Jeez, that’s on there really tight, isn’t it?

Dick: Can you help me with this here face, girly girl?

Cultist 2: Sure.

Cult Leader: That kind of legality doesn’t apply to tax-exempt religions like this one.

Station Manager: This group isn’t tax exempt! And, it’s still illegal! And you’re committing murder right now!

Cult Leader: We prefer to think of it as religious facial cleansing.

Station Manager: Okay, that’s it. I’ve got a wire on, and the secret service should be down here any second to arrest you all.

Phil: WAIT! I’VE GOT IT! I UNDERSTAND WHAT’S GOING ON!!!

(Beat.)

Cultist 1: I think this would be a good time to mention I’m still being murdered.

Cultist 2: I never knew murder was so fun!

Dick: I know, right? We should date or something.

Cultist 2: What’re you doing after this?

Dick: Ripping your face off.

Phil: You see, I came here looking to find out about poetic imagery, and I just realized what that is! See, when you’re writing a song, for example, and you talk about something visual that preferably creates an image in the listener’s mind, it’s poetic imagery! And, that can be used to further a message you’re trying to convey through vividly created example!

(Beat.)

SFX: Loud knocking.

Policeman: OPEN UP, POLICE!!!

Station Manager: Finally.

Cult Leader: Oh, no! Dick, hide the faces! We’ll lose all our profits!

Narrator: Two hours later, at a hip San Antonio Café…

Fluid: Well, that was stupid.

DSNT: I guess we learned a valuable lesson: cults are dangerous, and they’re often really just pyramid schemes started by greedy people pretending they’re religiously enlightened.

Fluid: Like L. Ron Hubbard.

Station Manager: Thankfully, when they’re outed as doing the illegal things they’re almost always doing, they can be shut down by the government for good and save the unfortunate, stupid people who joined them in the first place.

Cultist 2: Hey, I’m not stupid!

Fluid: You’re wearing an assless tiger costume.

DSNT: And you tried to date a Lennyesque murderer who threatened to rip your face off.

SFX: Footsteps.

Mormon Chad: Chris? Chris! Hey, Chris! It’s been a while! How ya doin’?

Cultist 2: Oh, God, I thought I escaped you.

Mormon Chad: Don’t you remember me? Mormon Chad? We dated for a while!

Cultist 2: Yes, Chad. Hi. Hi, Chad.

Fluid: Can we go back to Ohio, now?

Station Manager: We missed our return flight. The government didn’t expect we’d have to search through so many cowbells, earlier.

Fluid: In that, case, can we go to Florida?

Station Manager: I’m broke!

DSNT: I’ve got enough money to get five tickets back to Ohio.

Phil: Wait, there are six of us here! What about me?!

DSNT: You live here, Phil Collins.

Phil: I just recently divorced the Alamo. I’d like to get away for a while.

Fluid: You’re incredibly rich. That 60,000 dollars was probably nothing to you.

Phil: Oh, right.

Mormon Chad: Do you wanna sit next to me on the plane, Chris?

Chris: Only if you’ll wear this panda suit and grab my ass the whole way.

Mormon Chad: I guess I can do that…it doesn’t count as intercourse, right?

DSNT: You know what’s another dangerous cult? Mormonism. See, back in 1830, this crazy guy, Joseph Smith was masturbating into a top hat when suddenly–

Mormon Chad: Now, that’s just mean! Please don’t talk about Joseph Smith that way.

Chris: You know, he’s right. You really believe you’ll die and become the god of a planet?

Mormon Chad: Well, that’s what they say…

DSNT: And, how can you take a man seriously when he tells you you’ll be destroyed if you’re not okay having thirty wives?

Mormon Chad: Well, I wouldn’t say thirty wives is really…

Fluid: The original American Civil War was supposed to end all nations.

Mormon Chad: Okay, it’s a stupid religion! Okay! But I kinda like it.

Phil: Even I know Mormonism is silly.

Mormon Chad: At least it’s not a pyramid scheme.

Chris: That’s true. I was part of one of those once.

DSNT: That was earlier today.

Chris: Shut up. It was a stupid decision made to escape crazy Mormons and get free cheese.

Station Manager: Can we please go home?!

Phil: Sure thing. Off we go to Oberlin! It’s my treat, since you saved me from that cult. To the Phil Collins Mobile!

SFX: Batman transition. Sussudio fades in.

Station Manager: How’s the show going, guys?

Fluid: Great! Thanks for agreeing to come on, Mr. Collins.

Phil: No prob! I needed some closure to this whole experience and I thought a live radio performance would be great.

DSNT: Are you ready to perform after this song’s over?

Phil: Eh, probably. I am Phil Collins.

Station Manager: I can’t believe you two were competent for once. Have a good show.

Fluid: See you later.

DSNT: I hate you.

Station Manager: What?

DSNT: You have a nice ass.

SFX: Sussudio ends.

Fluid: That was Sussudio. And, on a related note, this next song is about cults! …And divorce. This is “Me Divorce From a Cult,” peformed live here in the station by Phil Collins.

Phil: Here goes…uh…hmm…it seems I forgot to write the song.

DSNT: What?

Phil: I forgot to write it! I’m sorry.

Fluid: Make something up!

Phil: DERP DERP DERP, JOE IMPROV A SONG

DSNT: This song sucks, let’s play some JPop.

SFX: Holiday.

PSA: Questions are the answer. Everyone starts improving random questions into the mic. We end with:

DSNT: Those questions probably answered your question. Right? Questions are the answer. Go to ahrq.gov. A message brought to you by the Ad Council, this station, and the Church of Scientology.