Narrator: DERP DERP DERP DERP DERRRRRRRRRRRR. I mean hello. And, welcome to Twizzlers for Everyone Forever presents: Death Spares Not the Tiger, an epic radio drama. This week, we will examine society’s most masterful creation…Dungeons and Dragons. D&D is a magnificent game. Its objective is to remain a virgin as long as possible. The last person in a group of D&D players to remain a virgin is the winner. The oldest virgin in a group is called the Dungeon Master, and creates figurative, and occasionally literally masturbatory tasks, called quests, for the group to embark upon in the most vivid depths of their imaginations to make them forget that they have never felt the gentle touch of a woman. Today, we’ll follow an epic quest in one D&D campaign right here in Oberlin, Ohio.

SFX: A Camel song fades in, ends.

Fluid: That was “Toe” by Camel. A bit explicit for noon on a Wednesday, but we play only the best for you. You’re listening to WOBC 91.5. DSNT, you ready?

DSNT: I’m still setting up miniatures.

Fluid: While we wait for DSNT to finish setting up the D&D campaign we’re most definitely not playing in the station during this broadcast, I’d like to read a PSA for you. These days everyone’s posting pictures online. But, here’s the deal: once you post a picture online you can’t take it back. In fact, all it takes is a few clicks and your image could be all over the Internet. Even if you email Facebook begging them to delete your picture from their server, they won’t. Actually, if you call them and ask to have your picture deleted, they’ll personally bring it up, post it on 4chan, and masturbate to it. No matter how horrifyingly ugly you are. And, as all good Christians know, when someone masturbates thinking about you, you’re no longer a virgin and will go to hell. So, think before you post. For more information, visit cybertipline.com. This message brought to you by the US Department of Justice, the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children, and the Ad Council. You ready, DSNT?

DSNT: Yeah.

Fluid: Great! Next up, we’ll be playing “Masturbating For An Hour And A Half” by Emerson, Lake and Palmer.

SFX: Maple Leaf Rag, slowly fades out throughout next scene.

DSNT: Okay, that’ll keep the airwaves occupied. Hi everyone, I’m DSNT, your dungeon master.

Station Manager: We all already know you. And each other.

DSNT: Oh, right. Well, actually, I don’t know your real name, just that you’re the station manager. And that I want to get to know you. (Beat.) Anally.

Station Manager: My name is Mora. Jerk.

DSNT: Oh, right. I think I knew that. Anyway, I’m pretty sure otherwise we all know everyone.

Chris: Yeah. Chad and I even had sex last night.

Chad: Yeah, I’m no longer a Mormon, so I can have sex now!

DSNT: In the butt!

Station Manager: STOP WITH THE SODOMY JOKES. THEY ARE TECHNICALLY OBSCENE.

DSNT: Sorry, sorry.

Chad: Oh, on a related note, I’m still technically 17, so what we did was rape.

Chris: What.

Fluid: Well, I don’t know everyone here.

DSNT: Yes, you do.

Fluid: Well, the audience doesn’t know who everyone is.

DSNT: The mic is off.

Fluid: Well, yeah. But, see, we’re really in a radio drama where we pretend we’re in this radio station going on ridiculous adventures when, in reality, we’re just in the radio station reading scripts about how we’re in the radio station going on adventures.

DSNT: You need to lay off the crack.

Phil: I’ll humor him! Hi, everyone, I’m Phil Collins. You may recognize me from my prolific career in lecturing on the Alamo.

Chris: I’m Chris.

Chad: I’m Formerly Mormon Chad.

Chris: We don’t need your full name, honey.

Chad: You know, calling me honey just further proves we’re in an illegal, amoral relationship.

Chris: Better than all my furverted relationships at furry conventions.

DSNT: YOUR FURFAGGOTRY WILL NOT AVAIL YOU!

Fluid: Fail reference is fail.

DSNT: Shut up, A Fluid Thing.

Fluid: A Fluid Thing! Why, that’s me!

(Long pause.)

Fluid: See, I’m really, really good at exposition.

Phil: I think you’re insane.

Fluid: Haha! That’s what they keep telling me down at the Elk’s club.

DSNT: You’re not a member of the Elk’s club.

Fluid: That’s all just a vast centrist conspiracy.

DSNT: We don’t have time for this…alright, so it’s time for all of you to pick your characters.

Narrator: And so the epic journey begins. This ragtag band of Phil Collinses and radio station members roll for their very lives. The decisions they make in the next thirty or so minutes will affect them for the rest of their lives. Which brings to mind: hey, can I roll a character?

DSNT: Huh?

Narrator: Can I roll a character?

DSNT: I mean, I don’t see why not.

Narrator: Yippie!

DSNT: So we have Fluid, Chris, Chad, Station Manager, Danny and the Narrator.

Station Manager: I have a name!

DSNT: I’m not sure what you mean by name.

Mora: It’s Mora. My name is Mora.

DSNT: Ah, you mean your Christian name?

Mora: …What?

DSNT: See, I’m actually Native American, so everything I give a name is named after something in nature. So, I’m calling you…She Who Manage Station.

Mora: I hate you so much.

DSNT: And I want to bone you viciously. Moving on, that makes eight of you who want to roll characters.

All: Yep.

A Fluid Thing: OH MY GOD, WHAT JUST HAPPENED.

All: We all just talked at the same time?

DSNT: All…right. Well, since there are so many of you, you might want to consider specializing.

All: Huh?

DSNT: Well, see, since there’s seven of you, it would be possible to have characters who are very good at one thing but weak at others. Since you can all look out for each other, that means that you can afford to specialize.

All: Ohhhh.

A Fluid Thing: This is disconcerting.

DSNT: See, for example in three or four person parties, it rarely makes sense to have someone who takes all of their levels in wizard, since wizards are so pathetically underpowered at low levels. But since you have so many people, someone can do that!

Fluid: So who wants to be what?

Chad: Well, I think I’d want to be someone who fights. Yeah!

DSNT: Great, you can be a paladin.

Chad: Yeahhhhhhhhh!

Chris: Now wait, are you saying that because he used to be a Mormon?

DSNT: I don’t understand the question.

Chris: Well, Paladins have to be fanatically devoted to a deity. Are you just taking a cheap shot at Chad’s former Mormonism?

Danny: Hey! He is!

DSNT: Shut up Danny.

Mora: There’s no need to be mean to Danny.

Narrator: Speaking of which, when did Danny get here? I didn’t narrate him into the room.

Danny: I have legs. Jerk.

Narrator: Well, maybe I’ll start narrating as if you don’t. Then what’ll you do?

Danny: Stop being mean!

DSNT: Oh, shut up. Including Danny the legless wonder, we have a few too many people in the party. Perhaps Danny could play an NPC…an AIDS elemental, perhaps?

Danny: And at level 10, I can take a class in Super AIDS Elemental?

DSNT: NPCs don’t multiclass…

(Pause.)

DSNT: Plus, NPC means non player character…the joke was that Danny can’t actually play an NPC.

(Pause.)

DSNT: Because the AIDS means he won’t be around long enough to finish the campaign.

(Pause.)

Fluid: I want to be a sorcerer!

Chris: That’s good! We need another spell caster or two. How about I roll a druid?

Danny: And I can be a cleric! Healing things is fun!

DSNT: Danny just wants to be a cleric so he can cure his own STIs.

Fluid: Well it’s a good idea, anyway, for us to be role-playing characters who at least resemble our actual selves. Like how I’m going to be a half-elf sorcerer. See, I’m half English and half Scotish, so I don’t fit into either society. Playing this character should be fairly cathartic. Also, sorcerers don’t have to prepare their spells and rely entirely on instinct. Like me!

Danny: And I’m playing a female human cleric because I like to lay hands on people! And I like boobies!

Phil: Ooh! Ooh! I’m going to play a bard! Because I’d like to play a character who makes beautiful music! And also, I get to seduce lots of females and then divorce them!

DSNT: This clearly is a dream come true for us all… So that seems like a sane number of spell casters. If you disagree, you’re wrong.

Narrator: We already have a paladin, and I like bashing in skulls with my wonderful vocal talents, so I’ll be a barbarian! I can even create a character voice. ARRRRRRRRGH!!! See? Wasn’t that amazing?

Chad: Yeah! I’m useful!

Narrator: (HERE RALPH IMPROVS ABOUT EXACTLY HOW AMAZING HE IS FOR ABOUT A MINUTE.)

Chris: I think we need a rogue.

DSNT: Why would we need a rogue?

Fluid: Every party needs a rogue! Who else would pick locks?

DSNT: A bard with skill levels in pick lock.

Fluid: Who would detect secret doors?

DSNT: Elves.

Fluid: …Well then…who would be our darkly attractive female character?

Danny: Why didn’t you say so! I’ll multiclass.

Phil: Now you’ll have to wear this leather bodice.

Danny: I’ll multiclass in wearing bodices. In fact, I’m wearing one right now!

DSNT: Yeah, I wasn’t going to mention that. So, speaking of that, your character should be True Neutral.

Danny: Okay.

Chris: Wait, why should he be that alignment?

DSNT: True Neutral goes both ways!

Danny: I’ll put all my skill points into fellatio!

Fluid: This is getting ridiculous.

More: Ugh, this is completely stupid. Can I just go do my work? I have a station to run.

Phil: No! This is fun! I get to finally be a character who isn’t a complete failure at music!

Mora: Fine. What class should I be?

Chris: It’s up to you!

DSNT: Yeah. Well, what’s a part of your personality that you usually have to keep dormant?

Mora: My desire to kill you?

DSNT: Did you say your desire to rape my mouth?

Fluid: I think I remember you saying you like animals. You should be a ranger!

Mora: Well I think I remember reading about that class in the player’s guide. I’d mainly be using a bow, right? And I’d get to have a pet. That’s pretty cool I guess.

DSNT: A bow? Is that an attraction for you?

Mora: Well yeah. I’ve always really like the old Robin Hood movie.

DSNT: The one with Errol Flynn.

Mora: Don’t judge me!

Fluid: So, let’s discuss our equipment!

DSNT: Like Errol Flynn’s often-visible equipment in Robin Hood?

Narrator: Our intrepid D&D players discuss the equipment they will bring with them and decide on their weapons and other such things. Phil Collins, being an idiot, buys a three-legged pony and nothing else.

Phil: You know, we’re not pretending we can’t hear you anymore. You’re actually playing with us now. We’re in the same room.

Narrator: Right, right. Suddenly, Phil Collins forgot everything the Narrator had just said.

Phil: I forgot everything you just said! I think it was something about how awesome I am.

Chris: Did that actually work, or is it just because Phil Collins is stupid?

DSNT: Order, order! Is everyone ready?

All: Rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble!

Fluid: We did it again…

DSNT: Alright! It is written in the Book of Anhur:

After the Creation, the cruel god Moloch rebelled
against the authority of Marduk the Creator.
Moloch stole from Marduk the most powerful of all
the artifacts of the gods, the Amulet of Yendor,
and he hid it in the dark cavities of Gehennom, the
Under World, where he now lurks, and bides his time.

Your god Anhur seeks to possess the Amulet, and with it
to gain deserved ascendance over the other gods.

You, a newly trained Evoker, have been heralded
from birth as the instrument of Anhur. You are destined
to recover the Amulet for your deity, or die in the
attempt. Your hour of destiny has come. For the sake
of us all: Go bravely with Anhur!

(Pause.)

All: What?

DSNT: *Sigh.* Never mind. You find yourselves in a town.

Phil: Oh boy! This is fun! Is there a tavern?

DSNT: I don’t know. Why don’t you ask a townsperson?

Fluid: Do we see any townspeople?

DSNT: No.

Chad: Uh…huh…Do we see a temple?

Chris: No, Chad! Don’t give in!

Fluid: No, no, Chad’s just role playing.

Chris: Still, he shouldn’t be role playing his addictions.

Narrator: He’s a paladin, not a drug addict.

Chad: I just want to know if we see a temple.

Fluid: Now, now. As we all know, Religion is one of the most addictive substances in the universe, as this public service announcement will tell us…

Erica: Hello, America! My name is Dr. Erica Dyer, recent recipient of the 2009 Nobel Prize in Epic Lulz and the 2010 Nobel Prizes in Time Travel and Law for my breakthrough innovation and subsequent illegalization of temporal drug trafficking. My most recent research, outside of why I can’t get a date to save my life, have been primarily been in the science of Dungeons and Dragons, or D&D as the scientific community refers to it. Politicians have been throwing around numerous terms for this majestic game. One of the worst is that it is addictive. I was curious about this and have been testing the addictive properties of D&D on the common nerd. As it turns out, the way in which it addicts is through the use of deities: D&D players refer to the “Gods of the Odds” as their ultimate rulers. Those who have recently broken free of the clutches of religion, like Chad here, are particularly susceptible to D&D’s addictive properties.

Fluid: Thanks Erica! Now we know.

DSNT: And knowing is half the battle.

All: GI JOOOOOOE!!!

Fluid: What the hell?!

Erica: Speaking of which, can I observe your game?

DSNT: Why would you ever want to do that?

Erica: I’m writing a book on Dungeons and Dragons.

Chris: Is it one of those crazy Christian exposé books? No offense, Chad.

Chad: None taken. So, do we see a temple?!

Erica: No, no. It’s more of a psychological survey of the hundreds of borderline psychopaths that play the game and their odds of becoming entirely socially inept and/or turning to a life of serial murder.

DSNT: Hmm…I don’t see why not. Pull up a seat.

Chad: So, do we see a temple or church or something?!

Chris: Honey, let’s not go down that road.

Fluid: Do you two know each other in-game?

Chad: Oh, I didn’t think about that. Sure.

Chris: Yeah, we’re dating in-game.

Chad: Well, I dunno about dating, I’d say probably married. See, my character is pretty religious so I doubt he’d be ok with premarital sex.

Chris: Oh god…let’s not do this again…

Chad: What? It’s an abomination to God!

Fluid: I think you mean Anumator.

Chad: Huh?

Fluid: I mean, your god in game. It’d probably be Anumator.

Chad: No…I’m pretty sure it’s Jehovah, the one true God.

Chris: Huh?

Chad: You know, Jehovah? Creator of Heaven and Earth?

DSNT: Shut up, Chad. The Christian god doesn’t exist in D&D.

Chad: But what about Christian gamers? Shouldn’t they get to role-play as being a member of their own religion?

Fluid: I mean, the religion isn’t such a big part of the game that you should worry about it.

Danny: Besides, as a cleric I would have more face-to-face contact with a deity than you would, Chad. Especially at level 1. And by face-to-face, I mean ass-to-mouth, since it’s level 1.

Phil: WAIT!

All: What?

Fluid: Oh, my God, does nobody else notice this?

Phil: I just thought of something!

DSNT: Are you sure it’s not the time signature of 4/4?

Phil: Yeah! Ok, so this town. Does it have a mayor?

DSNT: Sure…

Phil: Alright, cool. Okay…now does the mayor have a daughter?

DSNT: Phil…just no.

Phil: What? It’s practically my duty as a bard to seduce female NPCs.

Mora: This is moronic. Let’s look around the town.

DSNT: Okay then! So you walk around the town. It only has one main street, but on that street you see a tavern, a general store, an unmarked building, and a heathen temple. The temple is made of obsidian and is adorned with the severed heads of 13 blonde human females. All of the heads have an expression of shock and horror. A constant evil drum beat oozes from the temple like the evil that must surely be within.

Chris: I think this is Chad’s temple.

Chad: I don’t know if I’d endorse that kind of…

Fluid: Hot damn! Let’s go to the tavern!

All: Yeah!!!

Mora: Wait, there was a lot of description about that temple. Should we maybe check it out?

Danny: Nah, that clearly was for decoration.

Narrator: It’s nice having a DM who actually cares! Just like a narrator who cares. And gives you lots of great exposition. Why aren’t you all hugging me yet.

DSNT: *Groans* So what do you want do?

Chad: We go to the tavern!

Phil: And I play the drums!

Narrator: Our heroes venture inside the tavern, not knowing –

DSNT: Hey! I’m the DM. I do the descriptions.

Narrator: Yeah, well I’m the narrator!

DSNT: Roll this d20.

Narrator: Huh?

DSNT: Roll the d20.

Narrator: Ok…

SFX: Die roll (can be done live).

Narrator: Six.

DSNT: Upon entering the tavern, you are hit by an errant stein. You lose six hit points

Narrator: But, I only have ten!

Danny: That’s not fair!

DSNT: Danny, roll a d20.

Danny: Oh no…

SFX: Die roll.

Danny: Seven…

DSNT: Ok, and I’ll roll percentile…

SFX: Die roll.

DSNT: Ok, now let me consult my chart…ok, your crotch starts burning. You have the Clap.

Danny: I already have that…

DSNT: In-game.

Danny: Oh.

Phil: I’ll do a gather information check!

Chris: Do you even know what that is?

Phil: No, but I do know how to read! Sort of. Though, I can’t read music. Seriously, read Wikipedia.

SFX: Die roll.

DSNT: Here’s the local scoop: stop talking; nobody likes you; I hope you die.

Phil: Aww…

Mora: Shouldn’t he be doing better than that?

Phil: What do you mean?

Mora: Well you’re a bard, your highest roll should have gone towards charisma.

Phil: Oh…see, I put it in strength and wisdom!

Fluid: Why did you do that? Those are the two least useful stats to you.

Phil: I want to be thought of as strong and wise?

DSNT: I…literally hate you…so much, Phil Collins.

Fluid: That’s an incorrect use of the word literally.

DSNT: A Fluid Thing, how many hit points do you have?

Fluid: Seven?

DSNT: You lose six hit points.

Fluid: You didn’t even make me roll!

DSNT: I hate you. Phil, did you at least put anything into intelligence?

Phil: No?

Mora: What? Now, look, Phil, I don’t really care for this game or even understand it, but at least I did my character correctly.

Chris: We really shouldn’t be talking about our character stats right now…

Chad: Actually, let’s take advantage of them doing that

Chris: How do you mean?

Chad: Our characters get a room upstairs.

DSNT: Hmm? You mean you ask the bartender?

Chad: Yeah…

DSNT: Then ask him.

Chad: Hello, bartender?

DSNT: (As bartender,) WHAT?

Chad: I’d like a room.

DSNT: WHAT?

Chad: A room.

DSNT: I’M DEAF, YOU’LL HAVE TO SPEAK UP.

Chad: If you’re deaf, how can you hear me?

DSNT: WHAT?

Chad: I gesticulate that I want a room.

DSNT: WHAT DO YOU WANT A ROOM FOR?

Chad: Umm…I make a naughty hand gesture.

DSNT: YOU’RE GAY?! WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?

Chad: What?!

DSNT: ARE YOU COMING ON TO ME!?

Chad: No! I want a room!

DSNT: IF I GIVE YOU A ROOM KEY AND TAKE 2 GP FROM YOU, WILL YOU STOP MAKING GAY HOOKUP REQUESTS AT ME?

Chad: Ok!

DSNT: HERE YOU GO!

SFX: Footsteps.

DSNT: Roll a d20, Chris.

SFX: Die roll.

Chris: …I got a 1.

DSNT: Ha! Critical failure. Ok…Chad, roll percentile

SFX: Two die rolls.

Chad: Uh…97.

DSNT: Ok…in the heat of the moment, Chris changes into her druid animal form. Chad is into it. Good times are had by all. Chris, roll a d20.

SFX: Die roll.

Chris: 1.

DSNT: Suddenly, you both fall through the floor, naked and embarrassed.

Chris: WHAT?!

DSNT: Oh, yeah, the reason I suggested that you be a druid is because you’re a furry. See, druids can shape shift into animals, so…

Chris: FOR THE LAST TIME, I AM NOT A FURRY!!!

Chad: Yes, you definitely are.

Chris: I haven’t worn a fursuit in a month and a half!

Chad: What about last night when–

Chris: THAT DOESN’T COUNT AND YOU KNOW IT!!!

Danny: Well, what about last week when we were wading through the lake and…

Chris: Okay, okay, okay. Shut up. I’m a furry. But, I don’t like bestiality!

DSNT: Well, see, it’s not bestiality because your mind is still inside the animal when you turn into it. It’s like a really, really accurate fursuit.

Fluid: My God…the dream suit.

All: What?!

Fluid: I was being dramatic, and stop doing that, it’s creeping me the hell out.

Danny: Can I buy a drink?

DSNT: Why don’t you ask the bartender?

Danny: …Uh…can I–

DSNT: WHAT?!

Danny: –buy a –

DSNT: I CAN’T HEAR WHAT YOU’RE SAYING.

Danny: I just want–

DSNT: THE MORE WORDS YOU SAY THE LESS I UNDERSTAND YOU!

Danny: I make wild gestures at him!

DSNT: Roll a d20.

Danny: Dammit.

SFX: Die roll.

Danny: I got a 20!

DSNT: The bartender begins to unbutton his shirt. Gold pieces pop out of his sweaty chest hair, raining down on your face. It is like heaven to you. Never again will you experience a moment so perfect. In desperation to forever immortalize this moment, you unsheathe your sword. You wind up for the killing blow on yourself…

Chad: Suicide is evil! I kick the sword out of his hand!

DSNT: Unfortunately, your religion doesn’t permit you to stop a suicide. You are now an ex-Mormon I mean ex-Paladin.

Chad: Hey…

DSNT: Roll a d20.

SFX: Die roll.

Chad: 1…hey, is this a weighted die?

DSNT: Your foot, misguided as you are in this religion-destroying moment, is impaled by the sword. Danny successfully stabs himself in the face, pinning you to himself. You lose 5 hit points. Danny dies.

Danny: Wait…

Fluid: I set them on fire.

Chad: Okay, wait a sec–

Fluid: I set them both on fire. With a fire spell.

DSNT: Unfortunately, you only have Ray of Frost at level 1. Roll a d20.

Fluid: 1. Okay, this die is definitely weighted strangely.

DSNT: You cast Ray of Frost on the two entwined manlovers, but miss and hit yourself in the face. You take 1 hit point of damage, bringing your total to zero, and you suffocate.

Chad: Can I dislodge myself?

DSNT: Roll a d20.

Chad: Can I just, please…

DSNT: You roll a 1, you attempt to but fail and take 5 more hit points in damage.

Chad: I only had 10…

DSNT: Well, you’re dead!

Chad: Darnit!

Chris: It’s okay, this game is getting stupid.

Mora: You’re telling me…

Phil: Am I drunk yet?

DSNT: You never started drinking, but I’d say you die of alcohol poisoning about…now.

Narrator: The Dungeon Master was beginning to go insane…his party stared at him in disbelief, and–

DSNT: The Narrator goes berserk and clubs Chris and She Who Manage Station to death. Super death. Three hours later, when he wakes up covered in blood, he decides to set the entire tavern aflame, killing himself, the deaf bartender and half the town. This day will never be forgotten, and will forever be known as “Fantabulous Day” for irony’s sake and to lighten the frankly horrifying wreckage the other half of the town had to dig through to find their dead relatives and their band of inept murderers.

(Beat.)

Narrator: Enraged, everyone in the station beat DSNT to within an inch of his life.

DSNT: For the last time, you can’t do that! You–

SFX: Everyone beats DSNT up.

DSNT: Hey, ow! OUCH (IMPROV PAIN LOLOL)

Chad: I know I’m not a Mormon anymore, but I’m not sure I’m okay with this violence.

Chris: It’s okay. We can just leave now. Hey, by the way…do you know what ever happened to my suit last night? I woke up wearing a toga and bike pants as a hat.

Chad: Oh, I’m sure it’ll turn up.

DSNT: Don’t scratch! OW!!! OOOOOWWWW!!!

Narrator: The angry mob held DSNT down.

Danny: Random acts of violence are fun!

Narrator: The angry mob thoroughly enjoyed beating their malefactor.

Danny: Yes, we did!

Mora: This is for sexually harassing me all the time!

DSNT: My thunderballs!

Mora: And, this is for little Timmy!

DSNT: OW! My other thunderballs!

Erica: Excuse me, Narrator, can you narrate this tussle into another room?

Narrator: Of course. The cloud of dust edged slowly towards the station lobby, but suddenly fell out the window onto the terrace below.

SFX: Glass crashing.

Erica: Not exactly what I asked for, but it’ll do. Hello, Oberlin College! I hope you’ve listened well this week. We can all learn three important things from Dungeons and Dragons and I’d like to talk to you about them. Firstly, we must learn to never, ever take the game too seriously. As we’ve just seen, violence can easily erupt from a conflict over a silly series of jerkish misunderstandings by a misguided Dungeon Master. Secondly, we must learn compromise in the face of ferocity. If the party had tried to reason with the Dungeon Master rather than taking his word as gospel, it would have made things much easier for them. Finally: it’s imperative for us to lose our virginity as soon as possible so we will no longer be able to play this awful, awful game. Dungeons and Dragons is, I dare to say, an evil game that robs us of our basic humanity. When we play it, we turn into cartoonish representations of ourselves and lose all semblance of hope for using our higher human intelligence to do anything but request comical favors from the Dungeon Master. Most of all, when you die in the game, you die in real life. If we are to move beyond the hypocritical, ignorant ways of our past, we must shun childish games like Dungeons and Dragons and take up noble professions like science and medicine. Watching a game of Dungeons and Dragons as we have just now (because the radio is a visual medium) shows us how children’s games bring out the most childish impulses in us. And, if you want to be a real adult, you have to give up all games and devote your mind entirely to work, study, and being generally boring. Because no matter how interesting your character may be, it doesn’t give you the real-life power to be a likeable douchebag.

SFX: Killing Me Softly.