SFX: Star Trek opening theme.

Narrator: Space. The final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. Its continuing mission: to explore strange new worlds. To seek out new life and new civilizations. To boldly go where no one…wait, wait, wait.

SFX: Record scratch, theme stops.

Narrator (Dropping funny voice): Sorry, I just don’t get why we’re doing this. That’s the opening to Star Trek: The Next Generation. This is a radio drama that has nothing to do with science fiction.

Director: Listen, Narrator, they’re paying you to talk pretty, not to ask questions. Your name is Narrator for Christ’s sake.

Narrator: I just don’t understand exactly what this is supposed to accomplish! We’re blatantly ripping off a popular television show and it’s not even funny.

Director: I’m just directing this stupid show, I have no idea why the writers put this crap in here! Now read it again. Action!

Narrator: Space. The final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. Its continuing mission: to – okay, seriously, I’m not doing this unless I get an explanation.

Director: You want me to call the freakin’ writers or something?!

Narrator: Yes, actually, I do!

Director: Can I fire him? Anyone? Please?

Narrator: We’re the only two people in the studio. And, you know, we’re broadcasting this live.

Director: I hate you so much right now.

Narrator: You really don’t even need to be here. It’s not like you’re doing anything useful, anyway.

SFX: DSNT and Fluid walk in (can be done live).

Fluid: So I says to him, I says, “You firetruck yourself!”

DSNT: Ha! And then you threw the pot of boiling coffee at him?

Fluid: Well, actually it was a carafe of boiling wine. But, same thing, really.

DSNT: Oh, man, I wish I could’ve seen the look on his face.

Fluid: That’s the thing, there really wasn’t a “look.” He just screamed and fainted and now his face is just a gigantic, awful burn. The doctors say there’ll most definitely be permanent scarring.

DSNT: It’s a good thing the government considers yo’ mama jokes sufficient reason to use deadly force in self-defense.

Fluid: Actually, they don’t. I was meaning to tell you, I wore your clothes and a rubber mask of your face for that whole conversation, so the police are probably after you.

DSNT: Eh. Not a big deal.

Director: Would you two shut up! We’re recording a radio drama.

Fluid: Can’t you just do another take? This is an important conversation about…eh, I forgot what it was about.

Director: We’re recording live!

Narrator: A Fluid Thing, DSNT, I’m glad you’re here. What’s up with this whole Star Trek bit at the beginning of the script?

SFX: Narrator hands his script to Fluid and DSNT (live, as well).

DSNT: This isn’t our script. It’s a script from Star Trek.

Fluid: Oh, oops. I left that laying around the station last night.

Narrator: Where’s the real script?

DSNT: Oh, we didn’t write one this week.

Director: What?! Yes, you did! You gave it to me yesterday!

Fluid: That was a napkin with cursory instructions on how to do improv. We figured you’d figure it out.

Director: I can’t work like this. I quit!

DSNT: Whatever. We don’t need a director, anyway, we’re a radio drama.

Director: You just don’t understand the artistic process, do you?!

Fluid: I made a macaroni painting the other week. It’s on the fridge!

Director: You’re the worst writers in history. I’ll ruin you two, I swear.

DSNT: Eh. Not a big deal.

Fluid: How exactly are you going to ruin us?

Director: Oh, you’ll see.

SFX: He storms off. (Also live.)

Narrator: If we don’t have a script, then how do you suggest we do the show this week?

Fluid: We’ll do what we do best!

DSNT: Write a script in five minutes!

Fluid: But, since we’ve already started, we’ll do it in two. If anyone’s actually listening to us on the airwaves, never fear! DSNT, cue up some elevator music.

SFX: Elevator music for one minute.

DSNT: Ok! So we have a script. Uh…ok, so since we don’t have time to get our actors up to speed with a script and whatnot, I guess we’ll have to do all of the voices ourselves.

Fluid: I’m not sure that’s such a good idea…

DSNT: Whatever, dude, it’ll be fine. Besides, no one understands how to do the voices like we do.

Fluid: I see your point. So let’s get this party started!

SFX: Holiday.

Fluid: (as DSNT) Hello Lorain County, I’m DJ DSNT, you’re listening to 91.5 WOBC, and I like rape! Also, Hitler was right. While I have your attention, I’d like to bring up a very important matter. This is something very close to my heart. See, I really hate illegal aliens–

DSNT: (as Fluid) Woah, let’s calm down now, DSNT. I’m not sure blatant racism will solve all of our problems.

Fluid: No, racism solves everything!

DSNT: No it doesn’t. Racism is bad, and I think we have a story on that very subject right now.

Fluid: Do we? Well I think you’re stupid! I hate everyone!

SFX: Flashback.

Ben: (still as DSNT) Well I’m in a store now. I like stores. And potato chips. Let’s buy some potato chips from this Asian guy!

Donnie: (as Asian guy) Herro! Welcome to my store. Can I get you some pork fry rice?

Ben: No, stupid. I want potato chips!

Donnie: But this is a dry cleaner.

Ben: PO-TAY-TO CHIPS.

Donnie: I no have potato chip. Only dry cleaning. And pork fry rice!

Ben: RARRRRRGHHHHHH .

Donnie: (As self) Ok, stop, stop, stop.

SFX: De-flashback.

Donnie: What the HELL is this?

Ben: (As Fluid) What do you mean?

Donnie: You’re just writing me as being a barely-contained seething pot of racism and violence.

Ben: Yeah…?

Donnie: Well that’s not cool!

Ben: I mean, you are racist.

Donnie: No I’m not.

Ben: Dude, just this morning you’ve called me a “wop cocksmoker”, an “Armenian assrammer” and you made lots of jokes about how “Irish need not apply.”

Donnie: But you’re none of those things!

Ben: Yeah, but you use racial slurs as if they’re commas.

Donnie: I’m going to murder you.

Ben: That too! You have a problem with violence! You make death threats to everyone you know on a daily basis!

Donnie: I didn’t say I didn’t have a problem with that.

Ben: Oh…

Donnie: Okay, well since your scene clearly is idiotic, let’s move on to my scene.

Ben: Have we been playing music?

Donnie: Oh…uh…the mic is still on.

Ben: Oh well, it’s not like anyone’s listening.

SFX: Flashback.

Ben: (As a woman) Oh no, I’m being accosted by this untied shoelace!

Donnie: (As ridiculous version of self) No fear! I’ll save you!

SFX: Ridiculous shoe-tying sound effect.

Ben: Oh! You’re so heroic!

Donnie: Yes, well being a DJ means that I know at least nine different ways to tie converse high tops. It also means that I’m a goddamn superhero.

Ben: You’re a super hero?

Donnie: You bet, sexy lady.

Ben: Yeah…well thank you!

Donnie: How about I teach you how to tie those shoes…in bed?

Ben: Take me, you wild stallion!

SFX: Footsteps, bedroom door.

Donnie: Alright, so let’s teach you how to tie these shoes…

Ben: Oh…uh…okay?

Donnie: So you take the laces and loop them around each other so it makes the twist. That tightens the bit up on your ankle and keeps the length of the ends constant. So you make two rabbit ears and twist them around each other. Then you feed one through the hole between the rabbit ears and the first twist you made. Then you tighten it. And if your laces are especially hard to do, then you should make a double knot. So you do that last bit twice.

Ben: Oh…thanks…now I know.

Donnie: And knowing is half the battle!

Danny: (As Michael) GI JOEEEEEEEEE!

Donnie: Oh, hey Michael.

Ben: Who is this? Danny, when did you get here?

Danny: You let me in!

Ben: Oh, right.

Donnie: Danny’s playing the character of my roommate, Michael! I talk about him creepily quite often.

Danny: You sure do!

Ben: Oh, well…uh…I see?

Donnie: Yeah! So what’s up Michael?

Danny: Oh, well I created a simulation of evolution today. No big deal, really. I think I’m going to spend the rest of the day having wild sex.

Donnie: Hahaha! When do you not?

Danny: Good point. By the way, why do you have a transvestite in here with you?

Donnie: I was teaching her how to tie shoes!

Danny: Umm, her?

Ben: Shut up!

Donnie: What’s the question?

Danny: Well I said transvestite.

Donnie: I can’t read or write.

Danny: Oh, right. So a transvestite is–

Ben: You’re not ruining this for me!

SFX: Transformer noise.

Danny: Oh my god!

Ben: (As…something ridiculous) I am Goolth, god of Houseplants!

Donnie: I was pretty sure you were a chick.

Ben: Well I’m not. And I haven’t gotten laid in 800 million years.

Danny: I thought it might be you, Goolth! See, I’m at Oberlin to stop you. It was prophesized that you would return now.

SFX: More ridiculous sound effect than Ben’s.

Danny: (As…the same voice) So yeah, I will end you.

Donnie: What in the hell is going on? Michael, you just transformed into…yourself.

Ben: Well, I found the sexiest human ever, so I decided that I would try to have sex with him. (As Fluid) Okay, no, no, no. I’m not reading the rest of this.

SFX: De-flashback.

Ben: You need to either have sex with your roommate or stop talking about him so much.

Donnie: Huh?

Ben: I mean, while your roommate is an ass-kicking super hero, I highly doubt our viewers will understand the joke.

Danny: Because radio is a visual medium!

Donnie: Shut up, Danny. Anyway, just because they don’t understand the joke, per se, doesn’t mean it’s not still funny.

Ben: I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what it means.

Donnie: Ugh, fine. Ok, so what’s your next scene?

Ben: I’m glad you asked…

SFX: Flashback.

Ben: (Noir voice) A cold city…a hot night…These are the paradoxes that plague my life. The name’s Ratchet. Max Ratchet. I’m a private dick. Most of my life’s spent following around cheating wives. Gambling husbands. That sort of nonsense. Tonight feels different though. An air of foreboding settles down over this decaying city. I can see it in the faces on the street. I can taste it in the air. I can hear it in the traffic. I can feel it in my enormous genitals. Yes. Something will happen tonight. Maybe it will be me having sex. See, I haven’t had sex in a very long time. Being a private eye means lonely nights. The touch of a woman seems even more fantastical on a night like tonight than it usually does, and I usually feel like I’m going to die a secondary virgin. (Beat.) When the clock strikes 8:00 exactly and I’m pouring my fourth bourbon of the evening, a dame strolls into my office.

Donnie: (As dame) Hello, stranger…

Ben: This dame has something odd about her. Maybe it’s the red dress that clings to her curves like survivors to a life boat. Maybe it’s her hair that glows with an unreal gold quality. Maybe it’s the five-o-clock shadow. Either way, I want to hear what she has to say.

Donnie: You’re a private eye.

Ben: For you, lovely, I’ll be anything you want. But, mainly a private eye.

Donnie: I have a case for you.

SFX: Paper slides across desk.

Ben: This looks like a doozy.

Danny: Hey guys, am I in this scene?

Ben: (As Fluid) Shut up Danny. (As noir) This case is a monster. An errant husband whose gambling habits have clearly not gone unnoticed by the mob. A mistress. A beautiful wife. I think I need to take this one.

Danny: Ok, well I’m going to go to lunch then.

Ben: (As Fluid) Shut up Danny. (As noir) But something feels off about this case. I can’t quite put my finger on it –

Donnie: I’ll be able to pay you half here, and half when you’re done.

Ben: –But I’d sure like to put my finger on her. Maybe if I play my cards right, I can get a job investigating her body.

Donnie: Well, I’ll leave this to you. Let me know what you find out. You have my number.

SFX: Footsteps, door open/close.

Ben: Dear God, I think I might be in love.

Narrator: Are you going to put me in this scene, by chance?

Ben: (As Fluid) Shut up! (As noir) A woman of that beauty and grace surely is an angel fallen from heaven. Who cares if she already has a husband? I’m sure she’d go for me after I uncover his bad habits.

SFX: Gulp, footsteps, door, traffic.

Ben: The city is cold tonight. But, the bourbon in my gut keeps me warm. And this unshakeable feeling that something big is about to go down won’t leave me. Maybe I should start at Merv’s Tavern.

SFX: Gun cocks.

Mora: (As Mystery Man) All right, that’s far enough, Ratchet.

Ben: Who are you?

Mora: Keep looking ahead. Now we’re going to take a little trip…

SFX: Footsteps, door.

Donnie: (As Evil Husband) Greetings, Mr. Ratchet. You’ve been a thorn in my side for too long, and now you’re under my control.

Ben: But I’ve only been on this case for five minutes! And who are you?

Donnie: Haven’t you been, though? Who do you think you’ve been investigating all these months?

Ben: A succession of different people in unrelated cases?

Mora: Shut up! Listen to the Boss!

Donnie: Thank you, Mystery Man. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go to the little girl’s room.

Ben: What?

Mora: Shut up!

SFX: Clock tick-tocking.

Ben: So if you don’t mind me asking, what’s the pay like for your job?

Mora: It’s pretty good.

Ben: Constant pay?

Mora: Well no, it’s pretty much whenever they need henchman slash bodyguard work done. But that’s most of the time.

Ben: They?

Mora: Uh…shut up!

SFX: Footsteps.

Donnie: (As dame) Mr. Ratchet! What have you found out about my husband?

Ben: Uh…I’ve been on the case for seven minutes, five of those have been spent as a captive, and two of them have been spent fantasizing about your upper thighs.

Donnie: FAILURE IS UNACCEPTABLE!

Mora: Boss, boss, give him some time.

Ben: Boss?! What the hell is going on here?!

Mora: Isn’t it obvious? I’ve been in control of this situation the whole time. I got a transvestite with split personalities to be my puppet so that I could get you to do my bidding.

Ben: Oh my god…you’re…

Mora: THAT’S RIGHT, I’M CRA-…(As self) Okay, no. I’m not reading this.

SFX: De-flashback.

Mora: Crab people? What the hell?

Ben: Oh come on!

Donnie: Yeah, crab people are hilarious!

Mora: No, crab people are stupid. Why don’t you just write a plot that actually makes sense for once?

(Beat.)

Donnie: I don’t understand the question.

Ben: Hmm…a sensible plot…

Mora: Look, if you’re not going to write a sensible plot, maybe one that isn’t just about me being a cannibal, Chris being a furry or Danny having AIDS! Why do you keep writing crap plots like this?

Ben: Because it’s funny?

Mora: Well, they are funny, sure, but you’re just recycling the same jokes over and over. Besides, most of them weren’t all that funny in the first place.

Donnie: Wait! I think I know what you’re getting at!

Ben: What?

Mora: I’m not saying “what” so –

Donnie: IN THE – aww.

Mora: *Sigh* So you can say “in the butt” as Sean Connery! Like that! It’s not funny anymore!

Danny: Oh boy! Maybe I won’t have AIDS in this next plot!

Ben: Danny…who let you back into the station?

Danny: You did, when we walked in. I never left. I’ve been sitting here, right next to you.

Donnie: You are so creepy, dude.

Ben: Okay, wait. I know what we’re going to do.

Donnie: You and me?

Ben: Yeah, ok, so why don’t we do a scene as Don Qui-Ho-Te and his wife. That’s always funny!

Donnie: Yeah! Then let’s improvise a song. Everyone loves improvised songs!

SFX: Flashback.

LOLOLOLOLOLIMPROVISEFORAWHILE!!!

At some point in this scene, Ralph joins in.

SFX: De-flashback.

Ralph: Well that went to a scary, scary place.

Chad: What the hell is wrong with you two?

Donnie: Chad, shut up. No one likes Christians.

Ralph: Don’t insult my lover!

Chad: (Sobbing) Ralph, he…he hurt my feelings!

Ben: It’s ok, Chad, everyone still wants to statutory rape you.

Chad: Hooray!

Donnie: Who’s Ralph?

Ralph: I’m Ralph. You probably don’t recognize me because I always do different narrator voices.

Ben: Wow. You even shape-shift to match the voice you’re doing.

Ralph: No…I pretty much look like this all the time, my voice is just different ‘cause I’m good at doing voices.

Donnie: Voices aside, I’m pretty sure we’re out of skit ideas now. How about Chad and Ralph improvise? Then we can get involved and make it ridiculous.

Ben: Haha! Yeah…

Donnie: What should we do a scene about, though?

Ben: I dunno, let’s leave that up to Ralph. Ralph is freakin’ awesome.

Donnie: Go, go gadget Ralph!

Ralph: *Sigh* I hate you guys. Alright…see back in the 1400’s…

SFX: Flashback.

Ralph: Oh, hello goodwife Chad, I’m Leonardo DaVinci!

Chad: (As Goodwife Chad) Oh hello Mr. DaVinci. Are you here to fix my stove?

Ralph: I sure am. Let me get on in here…

Chad: I’ll let you on in there…

SFX: Bow chicka bow wow (Live).

Ralph: Alright, so let me get to fixing this stove.

Chad: You can fix my stove all you want, big boy.

(Beat.)

Ralph: Yeah, it looks like you’ve busted the bricks up real good. What were you baking in here? Stone armadillos?

Chad: I’m not sure what that is, but it makes me randy!

Ralph: Alright, well luckily I have my master’s degree in masonry. Let me get the parts from my donkey.

Chad: How can I seduce him…oh, I know!

SFX: Clothes fall to ground.

Ralph: My good lady, you appear to be nude!

Chad: Just the way God intended. Just like he intended for you to be inside me!

Ralph: Woah, woah, woah. I’m gay.

Chad: What?

Ralph: I’m gay. I like the gents. I’m a much bigger fan of what’s inside a codpiece than what’s inside a bodice, if you catch my drift.

Chad: I’m not sure I do.

Ralph: I like penises.

Chad: Ohhhh…

Ralph: Yeah.

Chad: So I guess you’re not going to…

Ralph: Nope.

Ben: I will!

Ralph: Dude, shut up, you’re not in this scene.

Ben: But I want to be!

Donnie: (As Don Qui-Ho-Te’s Wife) Hello!

Chad: What the hell?

Donnie: I’m Don Qui-Ho-Te’s wife! I got out of the restaurant!

Chad: What’s a restaurant?

Donnie: You know…where people serve you food.

Ralph: Haha! That sounds like a good invention for the future. We’ll make millions!

Donnie: No, I’m pretty sure you have restaurants now.

Chad: What are you talking about?

Donnie: Well, I mean, this is the year 1890, of course you have restaurants!

Ralph: Okay, this is getting stupid.

SFX: De-flashback.

Ralph: What the hell are you doing to my scene?

Donnie: Oh, I thought it’d be funny if DaVinci was in the 1890’s.

Ralph: That wasn’t the scene I set up!

Donnie: Yeah, but mine was funnier!

Ben: No it wasn’t, actually.

Donnie: Well you don’t know that I was going to challenge him to a TRIP AROUND THE WORLD!

(Beat.)

Donnie: You know…in 80 days…

Chad: That may be the stupidest idea anyone has ever had, ever.

Donnie: …From the Jules Verne novel.

Ben: Just stop.

Ralph: Ok, A Fluid Thing, do you have any more ideas for us to do, or are we just gonna broadcast dead air for a while?

Ben: Well, while we’re being meta…

Mora: What’s meta?

Donnie: See, when a man loves a woman very much…

Mora: You’re not funny!

Donnie: Dammit…

Ben: Meta is when art is self-aware. Like how for this entire episode we’ve been subtly commenting on how our radio drama is a series of non-sequiturs, running gags, and incomprehensible inside jokes. The audience probably hasn’t understood half of the jokes since they’re not repeat listeners because this is a terribly-run radio station that nobody listens to, anyway.

Mora: Hey! I’m the station manager, here! Watch who you’re insulting.

Donnie: But, see, you’re not the station manager. We just say you are for the plot’s sake. You’re really just an actress. Your name probably isn’t even Mora!

Mora: No, it definitely is Mora.

Donnie: No it’s not! You’re really…crab people!

Ralph: See, this is why this show is stupid. I’m leaving.

SFX: Breaking a door in.

Director: Stop right there!

All: Gasp!

Fluid: Okay, why the hell did we gasp at the same time? I don’t even gasp! Ever!

Director: I told you I’d ruin you…it’s time to repent for your sins!

Danny: What are you doing here?

Director: What are you doing here? I didn’t see you before.

Danny: Just because I didn’t say anything until after you left doesn’t mean I wasn’t here! Just because we’re entirely auditory to our audience doesn’t mean we can’t include knowledge based on vision we haven’t revealed!

Ben: What Danny means to say is that he walked in with us before you stormed out angrily, but he didn’t say anything until we gave him a part in the scripts we haphazardly wrote in place of the Star Trek episode you were directing. So, you saw him, but the audience didn’t know you saw him. So, in practice, your character didn’t see him.

Director: I’m not a character! I’m a real human being!

Chad: A Fluid Thing, you’re patronizing the audience.

Ben: No, I’m not! I’m making this show make sense for once!

Director: I don’t know if any of you noticed, but I’m holding a gun.

SFX: Gun cocks.

Ben: And, see, the audience wouldn’t have gotten that until they heard that sound.

Director: I didn’t cock the gun! You played a sound effect!

Ben: Right, but now the audience understands that you have a gun and are threatening to–

SFX: Pistol whip.

Ben: Okay, sorry.

Director: You guys treated me like crap, so I’m going to ruin you, now!

Donnie: You know, you can’t really “ruin” someone with a gun. When you said you’d ruin us back at the beginning of the episode, we assumed that’d mean…I dunno…suing us. Or something.

Director: Well, I’m not very creative, I guess.

Chad: Can we please calm down?!

SFX: Gunshot.

Chad: OH MY GOD, YOU SHOT ME!!!

Director: Don’t move, anyone! Or, I’ll kill you all!

Ralph: Chad, no! What the hell is wrong with you?!

Danny: I think I’m peeing myself.

Mora: Stop doing this, director! Stop–

SFX: Gunshot, body falls.

Ralph: Oh, my God…you shot her in the head!

SFX: Two gunshots, two bodies fall.

Danny: Chad! Ralph!

Ben: Okay, this isn’t funny anymore. This is supposed to be a comedy show and you’re just killing everyone!

Danny: I can’t help but notice the writers are still alive…

Donnie: It’s presumably so we can give a monologue to the audience about our show before he kills us.

Director: Hey…you…how’d you know I was going to kill Danny and then make you do that?

Ben: It’s a fairly obvious plot twist for a tragicomedy?

Director: This isn’t a plot! It’s real life!

Donnie: Even real life has a plot.

Danny: Well, I wouldn’t say it’s as much of a plot as it is a–

SFX: Gunshot, body falls.

Ben: Okay, see, you killed Danny. It was obvious you were going to do that.

Donnie: And, I’d hazard to guess I’m next.

Director: Why aren’t either of you worried at all?!

Ben: Because we know exactly what you’re going to do.

Director: I just killed four people! Right in front of you! They were your friends!

Donnie: I don’t much care for people.

Ben: There’re always more actors.

Director: YOU’RE BOTH INSANE!!!

Donnie: Now’s the part where you shoot yourself in total madness, saving the two of us from a terrible fate.

SFX: Gunshot, body falls.

Donnie: Okay, I wasn’t expecting that.

Director: Your turn.

SFX: Gunshot, body falls.

Director: That’s what you get. Jerks.

SFX: After a few seconds of silence and a little shuffling, the elevator music plays again.