SFX: I Touch Myself.

Fluid: So, that concludes the music portion of our show.

DSNT: And, leads us right into this week’s theme: The Ten Commandments!

Fluid: The Ten Commandments are one of the most important documents in religious history, not to mention an important moral code.

DSNT: Ha ha! Morals…

Fluid: Oh, shut up.

DSNT: It rhymes with boobies.

Fluid: Anyway, we’re going to talk about the entire list of commandments today. DSNT, would you like to start reading them off?

DSNT: Sure. The First Commandment is “I am the lord your god, thou shalt have no other gods before me.” The second is “thou shalt observe the Sabbath day, and keep it holy.”

Fluid: No, no, no, no, I’m pretty sure it’s…

BEN IMPROVS SOMETHING

DSNT: Well, no, that’s just wrong. The next commandment is “thou shalt not kill.”

Amelia: No, killing is perfectly fine!

DSNT: Amelia Earhart! Where did you come from?!

Amelia: The South Pacific! See, after I crash landed there, I swam to a deserted island with my navigator Fred Noonan. After staying there for a while with no food, I decided to kill and eat him for sustenance. It was a good thing because he kept making unwanted sexual advances towards me.

DSNT: See…okay…you…anyway, the point is, the third commandment definitely is “thou shalt not kill.”

Fluid: Actually, it’s the sixth–

Amelia: See, no, that’s why I’m here. See, I’m heading a new movement in historical research where we reread all of history and historical documents to get the cannibalistic perspective on it. We’ve looked at a facsimile copy of the 10 Commandments and found that there’s a smudge after that one that says “and eat humans undercooked.” So, it’s “thou shalt not kill and eat humans undercooked.”

Fluid: I don’t know that that’s an actual historical movement. I think that’s just you. And, there can’t be a smudge on stone tablets making parts of them illegible.

Amelia: And I might eat you next.

Fluid: What?

Amelia: What?

Sean Connery: In the butt!

Fluid: Oh my god, where did Sean Connery come from?

Sean: I’m here to talk about the next amendment.

Fluid: I think you mean commandment.

Sean: What did I say?

Amelia: What’s the next commandment?

Sean: Thou shalt sex your neighbor anally.

Fluid: I don’t believe that’s the expression…

DSNT: Yeah…I’m pretty sure the neighbor one is about coveting.

Fluid: No, I’m pretty sure it’s about sodomy.

Sean: So we should probably talk about the reasoning behind that law!

Fluid: Hooray!

DSNT: Wait, no, that isn’t the commandment.

SFX: Flashback.

Israelite 1: Hmm, I wonder what Israelite 2 is doing right now

SFX: Footsteps.

Israelite 1: My god, Israelite 2! What are you doing?

Israelite 2: I’m having sex with this sheep!

Sheep: *Sexy bleating.*

Israelite 1: No! Israelite 2! You can’t have sex with that sheep!

Israelite 2: But why, Israelite 1?

Israelite 1: Because you’re not having sex with me!

Israelite 2: But, I didn’t know you wanted to!

Israelite 1: Well I do! If you weren’t so busy having sex with the livestock, you’d know that!

Israelite 2: Well clearly we need some kind of code…

SFX: Ridiculous gong/cymbal/drum sound effect.

Moses: I am Moses.

Israelite 1: Moses! What do you have for us?

Moses: I have a rule from the Lord that will solve this problem!

Israelite 2: Oh thank the Lord.

Moses: Indeed. The Lord has a rule which will solve this problem and make your lives easier and better.

Israelite 1: Oh, boy! And that rule is?

Moses: Commandment 3 – Thou shalt sex your neighbor anally.

Israelite 2: That sounds alright.

Israelite 1: Wait, why anally?

Moses: Because you all have sex with your animals. If you have sex anally, you won’t get STDs, because everyone knows that you can’t get ass-syphilis.

Israelite 2: Hooray!

Israelite 1: I’m not sure that’s better. I don’t know if I want to have buttsex…

Moses: The Lord doesn’t care about your ass being sore.

Israelite 1: The Lord never has made concessions for the gays.

Moses: Yea, my child, he will. In the future, there will be an entire organization for the gays. It will be called “the clergy.”

All: Hooray!

SFX: De-flashback.

Sean: And, that’s how I saved Christmas.

Fluid: That’s a great story, Mr. Connery

Don Qui-Ho-Te: I loved that story! See, I’m a really big fan of teh buttsex0rs.

Sean: What?

Don: What?

DSNT: In the butt!

Fluid: Where were you?

DSNT: Well, Ms. Earhart and I were in the back room there…

Amelia: We were trading recipes!

Fluid: Uh huh…

Amelia: Seriously! For human!

Don: I’m not sure that’s legal–

DSNT: I needed a new recipe for Chinese food

Fluid: I’m not sure that’s how–

Amelia: It’s how to cook Chinese people.

Fluid: How is that any different?

Amelia: Chinese people are much different in both consistency and flavor from Chinese food. Also, they’re much less filling than white people.

(Beat.)

Fluid: That’s just racist.

DSNT: I dunno, she’s a bona fide cannibal. I’m going to take her word for this. Anyway, I really wanted a new recipe; I needed a way to cook the hookers in my trunk.

Amelia: Stop talking dirty to me.

Fluid: What?

Don: I think we should probably move on to the next commandment, which is: Thou shalt live in a restaurant.

Fluid: That’s not right either…

Don: Oh yes it is. And, here’s why!

SFX: Flashback.

DONNIE AND BEN IMPROV LOLOLOLOL

SFX: De-flashback.

Sean: That was the worst story ever, and it had almost nothing to do with butts!

Fluid: This show is getting off to a great start!

DSNT: Let’s get onto the next commandment: “thou shalt honor thy father and mother.”

Phil: I’m pretty sure you meant to say “honor thy drums and thy cymbals.”

DSNT: I don’t believe that’s the expression, Phil Collins.

Amelia: Give him a chance to explain!

Sean: I’m interested in hearing if it’s about butts.

Fluid: Wait, when did Phil Collins get here?

Phil: I just came in through the back door, love

Sean: That’s what she said!

Fluid: That doesn’t even make sense. Why would she say that? Also, where did Phil Collins come from? He wasn’t here like, three seconds ago.

Don: I think he materialized. From the restaurant!

Phil: And how! See, back in ‘Nam, we used to not have a whole lot. Due to a supply screw-up, we really only had dirt. No guns, no ammo, no women, no condoms, only dirt. And you know what? We firetrucking well liked it. Vietnam was the single greatest 57 years of my life. We sexed up not only Charlie, but the Arapaho, Finland and transgender persons at our leisure. There were no guns, no grenades and no camo, but there were lesbians. Good god, were there lesbians. Lesbians aplenty. And any who, back then, you know, in ’32, we called a badger a Swedish biplane, ‘course only I knew that! To make a long story very short, this one time, Sarge, whose name, ironically enough was Charlie, Charlie Johnson, that is, found a Vietnamese boy hiding in a tree. So he took that boy, whose name was John Wayne, of the Fast and Furious fame, and married him. The good ole’-fashioned way. You know, the way with all the wetbacks and cocaine. And sodomy. Lots of sodomy. For everyone forever. But after the arson charges were dropped in ’75, and the great blowjob fiasco of ’03, they decided to get divorced. Sarge went on to fight crime with Casper Van Diem, but only in Grand Rapids, Michigan on Thursday mornings, but only between the hours of 2:53 AM and 4:12 AM. So, I decided to begin me own habits of serial divorcing.

Fluid: I’m not sure what that had to do with the 10 Commandments, but I like it!

Sean: Yes, let’s amend the list to include that.

DSNT: Wait! That didn’t even have anything to do with drums and cymbals. That’s what he said.

Amelia: You’re being a buzz kill. Don’t make me eat you.

DSNT: Jesus Christ! What the hell is going on here?!

Jesus: Yea, my child, why do you despair?

Fluid: Oh, my God! Jesus!

DSNT: Christ! …suuuu-perstarrrr

(beat)

Fluid: I hate you

Sean: Oh God, I’m under arrest, aren’t I? They’ll condemn me to hell for sure because of the sodomy.

Jesus: Fear not, Mr. Connery. You are the greatest living actor. What’s a little buttsex between friends?

Amelia: What about cannibalism?

Jesus: And the lord spake to King David: Thou shalt at some point havth to eateth thine countrymen. And thou shalt do it. For it is delicious.

DSNT: I’m not sure this is actually Jesus…

Jesus: What makes you say that?

DSNT: Well…you’re white.

Fluid: What? Jesus was white. Haven’t you seen pictures?

DSNT: No, he was from the Middle East. He’d have much darker skin.

Jesus: Well I have…uh…the opposite of that disease Michael Jackson has.

Amelia: You mean vitiligo?

Fluid: Don’t you mean you have the not-opposite? Because vitiligo bleaches your skin.

Jesus: Yea, for…uh, yeah, I’ve got that.

DSNT: Ohh….

Jesus: Anyway, I have a commandment: Thou shalt not covet thine neighbor’s ass. Instead, thou shalt stealeth his things and then pawn them.

(beat)

DSNT: That doesn’t–

Jesus: I have a story…

SFX: Flashback.

Jesus: Listen, man, I’m just here for the drinks.

Cartel Leader: Now listen here, see, you’ll give me my property back or I have José here cut you. Got it?

Jesus: You don’t scare me, Jalapeño Jack.

Cartel Leader: That is not my name, Jesus.

Jesus: That is not my name, Jalapeño Jack.

Cartel Leader: José! Cut this bastard.

José: Got it, boss.

Jesus: That’s it! Holy Spirit, you there?

Holy Spirit: I’m everywhere!

Jesus: Let’s do what we do best!

Jesus/Holy Spirit: Heavenly powers, activate!

Holy Spirit: Form of…a ravenous tiger! ROAR!

Jesus: Shape of…a bucket of wine!

José: Oh, man, can I have some of that wine?

Holy Spirit: I said ROAR!!!

José: Holy crap, a tiger!

Cartel Boss: Use your knife on her, José!

SFX: Stabbing metal.

José: It’s no use, boss! She’s madea solid iron!

Holy Spirit: ROAR AGAIN!

SFX: Dismemberment.

José: OH GOD!!!

Cartel Boss: José! My secret gay lover!

SFX: Tommy gun.

Jesus: Quick, Holy Spirit! Use the attack we talked about!

SFX: Water pouring.

Cartel Boss: Oh, man, that’s delicious wine.

SFX: Ripping.

Jesus: Unfortunately, you didn’t count on me turning back into a human in your tiny human stomach.

Holy Spirit: I don’t think he can hear you. I think he’s dead.

Jesus: I can still say what I want, bitch.

SFX: Slap.

Holy Spirit: Jesus, stop!

Jesus: Hey, hey, you’re still my woman, aren’t you? Wanna let me inside you, honey, huh?

Holy Spirit: (Crying) You are inside me, I’m everywhere.

Jesus: Yeah, baby. Yeah.

SFX: De-flashback.

Jesus: And that’s how I saved Christmas. I mean my birthday.

DSNT: Yeah, you’re definitely not Jesus. Also, if you were Jesus we’d all be in a lake of fire given it’d be the apocalypse.

Jesus: Don’t you tell me what I am.

Fluid: Also, you’re very drunk.

Amelia: He’s so drunk he doesn’t seem to notice how I’ve been chewing on his leg for that whole stupid story.

Phil: Does he taste like Jesus?

Amelia: Only a little. But, that might be the oregano I added.

DSNT: Let’s go back to a commandment we talked about earlier: “thou shalt observe the Sabbath day, and keep it holy.” I have a story about that one.

SFX: Flashback.

Danny: Let’s see…a beautiful Saturday afternoon. What should I do today?

Chad: Why are you in my bed?!

Chris: Yeah, why are you in Chad’s bed?!

Danny: That’s a funny story. Actually, last night I was wandering around the streets begging people for change. I didn’t need the change, really, since I recently won a bar fight with a slot machine and am quite weighted down with quarters even now. What I was seeking in the streets was far more spiritual, more visceral than anything coin-related. For, the dirty pocket lint and asscrack sweat that comes with the change of town-dwellers out at 2 AM is the most delicious delicacy you’ll ever taste.

Chris: Where are your pants?

Danny: On the floor over there.

Chad: Uh…what about your under–

Danny: I don’t wear ‘em.

Chris: I’m very uncomfortable with this whole scenario.

Danny: I know.

Chad: I think you should probably leave, Danny. We can talk about this later.

Danny: Oh, no, I think I’ll just stay right here.

Chad: Get out of my room.

SFX: Closet door.

DSNT: Hello! I’ve been in the closet the whole time. And, Chad, I’d recommend you get tested.

SFX: De-flashback.

DSNT: And, that’s why you should always observe the Sabbath.

Jesus: That story disturbed even me, your Lord.

DSNT: Amelia, why haven’t you eaten his brain yet?

Amelia: The hormones released in the brain once the rest of the body has died or been severely damaged are a delicacy.

Phil: I think there’s only one more commandment!

Sean Connery: Actually, my fellow British person, there are at least six more commandments that only I know about. And, if you break them, you still go to hell. I hold your fate in my hands, Collins!

Phil: I think I saw you in a movie once.

Amelia: The last commandment is “thou shalt not make wrongful use of the name of your God.”

DSNT: That actually is correct! I figured no one would have the wherewithal to actually know these

Fluid: Actually, I’m pretty sure that the next commandment is about Raptor Jesus

DSNT:…what?

Fluid: You know, Raptor Jesus.

Amelia: Actually, I think that’s right.

Fluid: And now…the story of Raptor Jesus

SFX: Flashback

Mary: Jesus, what do you have to tell us?

Judas: Yeah, you wanted us to meet at this really long table

Mary: That reminds me, why are we all sitting on the same side

Judas: Well, Jesus?

Mary: Ugh, why does he never answer?

Judas: Wait, why is he pointing at me?

Mary: How can you tell, he has such stubby little arms

Judas: No no, he’s definitely pointing at me

Mary: What’s that Jesus? You’re gesturing that one of us…will…betray you?

Judas: That’s crazy! Who would it be?

Mary: He’s getting up…

SFX: Raptor attack!

Judas: OH MY GOD!!! HE’S EATING MY HEAD!!!!

Mary: Well how do you like that

Judas: HE’S EAAAAATING MEEEEEEEEEEEEE

SFX: De-flashback

Fluid: And then Raptor Jesus, having slain his enemies, lived for another thousand years, ruling over the land with an iron fist

Jesus: Man, I wish I’d have done that

Amelia: I like this Raptor Jesus fellow

DSNT: THAT ISN’T WHAT HAPPENED AT ALL!

Jesus: Don’t make me turn into Raptor Jesus

DSNT: YOU CAN’T DO THAT

SFX: Ridiculous sound effect

DSNT: OH MY GOD HE TURNED INTO A RAPTOR! RUNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

SFX: Footsteps, raptor attack

Fluid: Huh…he seems to have barricaded himself into the office

Don: And Iiiii helped!

Sean: No you didn’t

Don: I don’t know if I understand the difference

Fluid: I think we should tell the real story of Jesus…

SFX: Star Wars theme

Donnie: Jar Jar Binks, Sean Connery, Admiral Akbar, Narrator
Ben: C3PO, Random Folks, R2D2
Ralph: Darth Vader
Joe: Jesus Skywalker
Danny: Princess Leia
Chad: Chewbacca, The Emperor (Satan voice)
Mora: Anakin
Chris: Padme
Mary: Yoda

Narrator: Privet Drive. The ominous fog makes the night-time even more hoary and mysterious than usual here in suburban Britannia. Out from the shadows of God knows what dimension steps the oldest wizard in the books, the Near-Dead Dumbledore. He is clearly a powerful beast and walks with dignity despite his age and attire.

Ben: What the hell are you doing?!

Narrator: Oh right…We find Jesus Skywalker on the Millennium Falcon, where he and his ragtag band of heroes have narrowly escaped the Empire’s clutches

Jesus: Did we lose them?

Chewbacca: RARRRGHHHH

Jesus: Right…nevermind. Why don’t you just go have a nap and I’ll watch the controls for a little while?

Chewbacca: RARRRGHHHH

Jesus: I’ll nap

SFX: Footsteps

Leia: We need to get to Alderan

Jesus: Leia, Alderan got exploded

Leia: No it didn’t

Jesus: You saw it happen

Leia: Well that’s not what he said

Anakin: Yeah, we can just fly on over to the planet

Jesus: No we can’t; it was destroyed

Anakin: You can’t destroy a planet, don’t be silly

Jesus: Who are you?

Anakin: Your father

Jesus: What?

Anakin: What?

Sean: In the butt!

Jesus: Sean, you’re not in this scene

Sean: Oh…sorry

(beat)

Jesus: Anyway…so you said you’re my what now?

Anakin: I’m your father

Jesus: But you’re like, sixteen

Anakin: I mean, I am though

Jesus: This is confusing. I’m like, 20

Anakin: Look, just because it’s stupid and I can’t act doesn’t mean that I can’t be your father

Padme: Yeah! He impregnated me

Jesus: How is that even possible?

Padme: I’m not sure

(beat)

Padme: See, he has no people skills, and is a terrible prepubescent whiner. Also he has micropenis.

Jesus: Wait, who are you?

Jar Jar: Meesa Jar Jar Binks!

Jesus: Why do I want to kill you?

Anakin: Don’t kill Jar Jar!

(beat)

Jesus: WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?!

Padme: Well, I’m Padme

Anakin: And I’m Anakin!

Jar Jar: Meesa Jar Jar Binks!

Jesus: I will end you. Ok, so how did you all get onto the ship?

Anakin: I’m not really sure. I don’t tend to make a lot of sense anyway, so I figured I’d just roll with it

Padme: And I’ll be in love with you!

Anakin: It’s perplexing, isn’t it?

C3P0: Master Anakin!

Anakin: Nameless droid!

Jesus: Wait, how do you two know each other?

Anakin: I built him!

Jesus: But he’s like, 50 years old…and you’re like 16

C3P0: Master Anakin built me when he was a young boy!

R2D2: Beep boop beep! Get back in the hot tub or I won’t bang you tonight!

C3P0: Oh dear! Fleeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

SFX: Footsteps

(beat)

Jesus: …gay droids?

Anakin: Well if you can have gay droids, then I get to be canon!

Padme: Hooray!

Jesus: What are you talking about?

Anakin: I’ve very aware that I’m in a movie

Darth Vader: Hello!

(beat)

Jesus: Uh…

Darth Vader: I’m Darth Vader!

Anakin: Who’s that?

Darth Vader: You

Anakin: Who, me?
Darth Vader: Yes you

Padme: Couldn’t be

Darth Vader: Then who?

Admiral Akbar: IT’S A TRAP!

(beat)

SFX: Lightsaber kill. Head hits ground

Darth Vader: That was bound to get annoying

Jesus: Is no one going to try to stop him?

Anakin: I’m not sure who he is.

Padme: He seems like an ok guy

Jesus: He’s an archetypal manifestation of pure evil!

Anakin: Hmm? I was wallowing in the in the universe of my pain

Jesus: I hate you so much

Padme: And I love him!

Darth Vader: So I’m going to take you to the Emperor

Jesus: Noooo!

Darth Vader: I think you mean NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

SFX: More Star Wars music?

Narrator: Dear readers, imagine music: la-de-da-de-da, alive and market-placey, and violins, taking a break up in the air with non-threatening amblings, and a wreath of tambourine, just lightly jangled. Enter scene of what looks like 1800s England, downtown; buildings crowded in unstably around tons of magical kids with their parents, scraping together their needs for the upcoming school year. We have witchy moms, and wizardly dads, and worried, hurried Harry acting excited and happy, for Hagar's sake. 

Ben: This is getting ridiculous

Narrator: Darth Vader brings our unwitting heroes to the Emperor…who says…'Look! A Turkish massage owl! And look! It's a bat! Sweet moustache! Willikers!'

Darth Vader: So I’m going to bring you to the Emperor

Leia: You’ll never get us to talk!

Anakin: Don’t talk to me that way

Leia: …you’re two different people

Anakin: No no, he’s just me later

Leia: I’m not sure how you can know that

Anakin: That movie was made like, 30 years before this one

Jesus: Just stop

Darth Vader: If you’re done quibbling…

Jesus: No! This is ridiculous. I want to know what the hell is going on here!

Stormtrooper 1: Nothing to see here

Stormtrooper 2: Move along

Stormtrooper 1: These aren’t the droids we’re looking for

Stormtrooper 2: Do you notice how we all sound alike

Stormtrooper 1: There are five of us. Guess which ones said what!

Anakin: Hey, they look like Nazi soldiers!

Leia: Nazis?

Padme: I’m pretty sure that’s on purpose

Darth Vader: I think we should go see the Emperor now

SFX: Footsteps

Stormtrooper 1: What are you doing for dinner?

Stormtrooper 2: Me and the missus are going to make steak with mango chutney

Yoda: Chutney you, I will

Stormtrooper 1: Hey! The stripper I ordered came!

Stormtrooper 2: That’s not cool; I’m married

Stormtrooper 1: It’s a midget; doesn’t count

Stormtrooper 2: Okeydokey

Leia: That’s not a stripper, that’s a tiny green hobo.

Yoda: Hyaaaaaaaaah!!!

SFX: Bonk on heads

Jesus: Princess! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Darth Vader: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Sean: We already did this joke!

Darth Vader: Oh, right.

Emperor: Darth Vader! I’m glad you brought the prisoners

Anakin: Hey, it’s Senator Palpatine!

Emperor: SILENCE!

Jesus: What are you talking about?

Padme: That’s Senator Palpatine! I know that guy.

Anakin: I guess smoking will do that to you over time…sigh, I’ll just ponder death over in the corner

Padme: And I’ll go be in love with you!

Jesus: I hate those two so much

Emperor: But they’re so photogenic

Darth Vader: What? Lord Sideous, didn’t you need to…uh…talk to Jesus Skywalker?

Emperor: Right, right. So, Jesus Skywalker, do you want to rule the universe with me?

Jesus: Will you kill me if I don’t?

Emperor: Probably, yeah

Jesus: What if I fight with Darth Vader first?

Emperor: If you want to, sure

Jesus: Alright then

Admiral Akbar: IT’S A TRAP!

Darth Vader: I thought I killed him

Admiral Akbar: MY SPECIES HAS REGENERATIVE POWERS. AND TOURETTES! MEXICAN STICKY BALLS!

SFX: Zap

Emperor: That takes care of that. I used somea that...force lightning, see?

Jesus: Let’s fight!

SFX: Lightsabers

Sean: I should have been Darth Vader

Darth Vader: What is the matter with you? You aren’t in this scene

Sean: There can only be one!

Yoda: Wait!

All: Yoda!

Yoda: There is balance in everything…

Anakin: I know that guy!

Yoda: Now, to reveal the secret of religion…

SFX: De-flashback

DSNT: That isn’t how that happened at all.

Fluid: My god, how are you alive?

DSNT: I killed Raptor Jesus with my bare hands. Then I cooked and ate him

Fluid: Dude, you killed our lord, that’s not cool

Chad: On the plus side, now you’re an honorary Jew

Fluid: Chad? Where the hell did you come from?

Chad: I’m here to talk about the last, and most important commandment: Thou shalt not furry

Chris: GOD DAMMIT CHAD, I AM NOT A FURRY

Fluid: Hey, Chris.

Chris: Why do you keep saying I’m a furry? And that’s not even in the Bible, you’re just using this as an excuse to prolong that stupid joke!

DSNT: Yeah, but it’s really really funny

Chad: So about that commandment…

SFX: Flashback.

Chad: So back in the day, there were lots of animals around, so people-

DSNT: Wait.

SFX: De-flashback.

DSNT: What the HELL did that Star Wars thing have to do with ANYTHING?

Fluid: How did you miss that?

Chad: Yeah, even I got that

Danny: And he’s a Mormon!

Chad: It was about the eighth commandment: Thou shalt not steal.

All: Yeah!

DSNT: …my gods I hate you so much

Chad: So about that furry commandment…

SFX: Flashback.

DSNT as Narrator: Hagar, Cromley, and friends sit awaitingly. Professor Dumbledore erects himself slowly and tells some jokes about death that most of the kids just don't get. He then, after warming up the crowd, introduces the Blood-Eyed Cat that is head of security, and then introduces the cat's manservant, Dazzler. He then closes with yet another joke about death, perplexing some, and just plain scaring most of the kids. He sits down, finally.

Chad: Chris!

Chris: Chad!

Chad: So are you ready?

Chris: More ready than you could imagine

Chad: Ok…

SFX: Zippers.

Chad: How do I look?

Chris: I want to eat you alive.

Chad: Considering that you’re wearing an assless tiger costume right now, that is moderately frightening.

Chris: Come over here, you big, sexy armadillo.

SFX: Fumbling.

Ralph Jesus: Halt!

Chad: Jesus Christ!

Chris: Suuuu-perstarrrr.

Jesus: Stop that.

Chris: It’s just really hard to not do that.

Jesus: Much like your tendencies towards furversion, right?

Chris: Look, I’m trying…

Jesus: You’ve even tempted my faithful servant Chad to your furverted ways!

Chad: I’m not a Mormon anymore.

Chris: And you’re not actually Jesus.

Jesus: Yes I am!

Chris: I’m pretty sure you’re not. You look a lot like my neighbor.

Jesus: But these tapes will sell for a lot on the internet!

Chris: Tapes?

Jesus: Uhh…uh…gotta go!

Chris: Oh god…there’s videos of me having furry sex on the internets. Now I’ll never get a job.

Chad: It’s ok, Chris, we can always just work at my church’s youth center.

Chris: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Darth Vader: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Chad: Holy crap, why is Darth Vader here?!

SFX: De-flashback.

Chad: So that’s why you should never be a furry.

DSNT: Well, that’s not the only reason.

Chris: I AM NOT A FURRY!

Fluid: You’re not fooling anyone, Chris.

Amelia: Well that wraps up today’s show.

Sean: IN THE BUTT!

Fluid: …Godammit Sean Connery...

DSNT: Don’t hate on Sean Connery

Fluid: That concludes today’s broadcast. You’re listening to Twizzlers for Everyone Forever Presents: Death Spares Not the Tiger, an epic radio drama on 91.5 WOBC, Oberlin College and Community Radio.

(Everyone count to three.)

All: BECAUSE KNOWLEDGE IS POWER!

Erica: Wait!

(Everyone count to three again.)

All: WE JUST SAID BECAUSE KNOWLEDGE IS POWER, COME ON, THE SHOW IS OVER.

Erica: But, you forgot the last commandment!

Jesus: What’s the last commandment?

Erica: Thou shalt evolve.

Jesus: Don’t you dare talk about evolution! It’s entirely contrary to my existence!

Chad: Actually, no, it’s not…

Jesus: Shut up! It is.

Erica: See, back in the 1500s when Charles Darwin was fighting against the combined forces of King Arthur and Napoleon, he discovered a type of rat that would only bite rocks. Naturally, they all died after roughly three days of being alive. Darwin realized that this was an ominous sign humans wouldn’t be surviving much longer, either, so he invented a series of cybernetic implants designed to make him able to fly, shoot lasers from his face, and eat pure metal shavings for sustenance. He fought one-on-two against Arthur and Napoleon and, though he lost his beloved fourth arm, he carried the hearts of his enemies onto the battlefield, petrifying the remaining French and English soldiers. It was then they learned that the only way to avoid dying a horrible, cyborg-inflicted death was to grow and change as people, and to shun Jesus from their lives. Forever.

Chad: I don’t think that’s how that-

Erica: If you’d like to read my book about it, it’ll be hitting shelves next Wednesday, when coincidentally, we’ll be on air again at noon on WOBC 91.5.

Chris: So, if we all have to shun Jesus to evolve and survive, doesn’t that mean we should shun him right here, right now?

DSNT: I can’t help but remind you this is NOT the real Jesus.

Fluid: I brought the shunning butter!

(Count to three.)

All: Hooray!

Jesus: Oh...oh, God...oh, ME...NNNN…NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Darth Vader: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-

SFX: Holiday.