Objectionable Content: Phil Collins, Steve Hackett, Genesis reunion tours, AIDS, furries, social isolation, gun violence, sword violence, fist violence, schizophrenia, other mental disorders, and frottage.

Narrator. Many times in your life, you might feel like people make fun of you because of who you are. It’s something everyone has to deal with at some point in their life, unless you’re a very attractive woman who flirts to get ahead. These women generally will have everything in life given to them mainly for free, with the exception that some men will expect them to use sexual favors as payment. Take the story of the tortoise and the hare. The hare wanted to refinance his house, and was at the bank talking to the tortoise, an employee at said bank. The hare had the funds to do so, but the tortoise, noticing the hare’s ancestry, refused to help him on the grounds that he was a filthy Armenian. The hare, despondent, went home and hung himself. That’s the danger of using flirtation to get ahead, kids. Let’s listen to a show on just this very topic.

SFX. Some kind of intro kind of music?

DSNT. Hello listeners! You’re listening to 91.5 WOBC, and this show is For Want of a Fail, our weekly advice show! Today, we’re talking to Chris the Furry about her life.

Fluid. We certainly are. So Chris…

Chris. Hello! Yif yif yif!

Fluid. Yes, yes, we know. So what is it like to be socially ostracized for your sexual preferences?

Chris. Not good, Fluid, not good at all. See, sometimes when I’m wearing my fursuit out in public, people throw eggs at me.

DSNT. And watermelons! Don’t forget watermelons!

Chris. Thank you DSNT, and watermelons. Although that is mainly just you.

DSNT. Also my slaves!

Fluid. Slavery is illegal!

DSNT. But unpaid internships aren’t! That reminds me. BOY!

SFX. Scuttling.

Intern. What is thy bidding, my master?

DSNT. A carton of chocolate milk, and step on it!

Intern. But sire, then it will get on the floor!

DSNT. A good catch, knave, but I meant for you to hurry. Now go! Or else I won’t write you a good recommendation!

Intern. Cripes!

SFX. Scuttling.

Fluid. That wasn’t very nice, DSNT.

DSNT. Oh, sorry, I should have asked it to get you some chocolate milk too.

Fluid. It?

Chris. I was telling a story!

DSNT. Shut up, furry.

Chris. Sigh… Let me tell you a story…

SFX. Sad violin music, footsteps, door open, Muzak.

Employee 1. Welcome to Wendy’s, how can I help you?

Chris. I’d like to speak to your manager

Employee 1. I’ll go get her.

SFX: Footsteps.

(Beat.)

Employee 2. Would you like to try our Baconater combo?

Chris. No, that’s all right.

(Beat.)

Employee 2. Are you sure?

Chris. Yes.

(Beat.)

Employee 2. Are you worried that it’ll–

Chris. I’m not hungry, that’s it thank you stop.

Employee 2. Whatever.

SFX: Footsteps.

Manager. Hi! My name is Max Hardin and I’m the manager here. What can I do you for?

Chris. I’m here to apply for a job.

Manager. Oh…I see.

Employee 2. Are you sure I can’t interest you in a Baconater?

Chris. YES.

Employee 2. I’m good at working!

Chris. So do you need to do an interview, or what?

Manager. Umm…well…the thing about that…is…

Chris. What?

Employee 1. Oh boy…

Manager. I’m afraid that I can’t offer you employment at this Wendy’s.

Chris. What? Why not?

Manager. Well…wow, this is awkward…

Employee 1. Don’t startle her!

Chris. Don’t startle me?

Manager. Let’s all be rational here…

Employee 2. I bet a Baconater would help you calm down…

Chris. I DON’T WANT YOUR DAMN BACONATER. I WANT A JOB.

Manager. See…we can’t offer you employment at this Wendy’s.

Chris. But, I have a high school degree!

Manager. Your qualifications aren’t…quite the issue here…

Employee 2. Yeah, it’s that she doesn’t like the food!

Chris. I don’t think I have to like the food to work here

Employee 1. That’s true. I don’t either.

Manager. Now just calm down, Ms…

Chris. Furry.

Manager. …your last name is Furry?

Chris. That’s right.

(Beat.)

Manager. So that makes your full name…

Chris. Chris T. Furry.

(Beat.)

Employee 2. IF YOU DON’T BUY A BACONATOR, MY CHILDREN WON’T BE ABLE TO EAT THIS WEEK.

Chris. Can you make him stop?

Manager. Ms. Furry. I’m afraid that we can’t offer you employment here because of your…preferences.

Chris. You’re not hiring me because I like pandas?

Manager. No. Because you’re a…

Employee 2. A FURRY. THE DUMB FURRY WON’T BUY FOOD FROM ME.

Manager. I don’t think that’s very appropriate. You need to stop yelling.

Chris. I see… Well, I guess I should be going.

Manager. I apologize. It’s company policy; not really my decision.

Chris. No…I understand.

(Beat.)

Manager. Also, furries aren’t allowed onto the premises. I need you to leave before I call the police.

Chris. It’s not easy being furverted…

SFX: De-flashback.

Chris. So…that’s how I face discrimination on a daily basis.

SFX: Door slam, footsteps.

Vera. It’s ok! We can start the show now!

Fluid. Vera, you’re fifteen minutes late.

DSNT. We’ve been doing fine without you, actually.

Vera. Impossible! This show needs me!

Fluid. I’m glad you enjoy your work Vera, but really, we’re doing fine without you.

DSNT. Yeah. Also you’re creepy.

Vera. I am not!

SFX. Door, footsteps during dialogue

Chris. You know, I’m in the middle of telling a story.

Vera. My job is more important than you!

Fluid. She’s the show today!

Intern. Sir, I brought ACK–

SFX. Punch.

Vera. Hi-yah!

Intern. My…spleen…

Fluid. Oh, my god! Vera!

Vera. You just can’t sneak up on me like that.

DSNT. You spilled the chocolate milk!

Fluid. She punched a hole in her kidney!

Intern. No…I think…I’ll make it…

SFX. Three gunshots, beat, gunshot, horse whinny.

DSNT. I guess not.

Chris. Should I call the police?

DSNT. Nah, just hand me that page of intern information.

Chris. Can I…finish now?

Vera. Yes! Please do! Where were you?

Chris. Well…uh…who are you, exactly?

Vera. I’m…VERA, the host of this show.

Chris. I thought Fluid and DSNT were the hosts.

Fluid. Well, technically Vera is.

Vera. That’s right!

DSNT. Well…actually, Fluid and I are really the hosts of the show, we just say that Vera is so that we can have more than two shows for ourselves. It seems more important if we have a different host for our advice show. She’s really more of a tax dodge than good at it.

Chris. You didn’t say her name at the beginning of the show or anything.

Vera They didn’t!?

Fluid.. What, no, I’m sure we did…

DSNT. Really, we only let her on because she has such a hot rack.

Vera I sure do, DSNT. That doesn’t mean I’m not huffily angry at you.

Chris. Can we get back to my story please?

SFX. Flashback.

Narrator. We go back to the 2nd grade, where Chris–

Chris. Hey! This is my scene! I’m telling the story

Narrator. But it’s my job to narrate the beginnings of scenes.

Chris. But it’s my story! This is a flashback to an event in my life, it makes more sense if I do the narrating.

Narrator. Listen, I don’t want to be a jerk about this, but I am part of a union…

Chris. A union of narrators…?

Narrator. We’ll talk about this next season, just let me do my narrating.

Chris. Oh fine.

Narrator. We go back in time, to the 2nd grade, where Chris first began her journey as a furry. We join her at the first rehearsal of the school play: Chicken Little. Note how the light plays off her hair, creating a halo of childlike innocence on this, the most important of days in her life. Today Chris will realize her true identity and it will change her life forever.

Chris. Wow! You really are good!

Narrator. Quiet, lowly character! We join Chris at the first rehearsal…

Teacher. Now, you all have your assignments, I need someone to pass the scripts out. Chris, how about you?

Chris. Okay!

SFX. Footsteps, paper rustle.

Teacher. Are you excited about your part?

Chris. I guess…Foxy Loxy?

Teacher. It’s a pretty big part!

Chris. Okay! I guess it’ll be fun.

SFX. Footsteps.

Chris. Here you are, Jimmy.

Billy. Oh thanks, Chris! Hey, I’m Chicken Little! I guess we’ll be reading a lot together.

Chris. Yeah!

Timmy. Give me my part!

Chris. Hold on, Timmy…here.

Timmy. Yay! I’m Ducky Lucky!

Teacher. Now, once Chris has given you your scripts, you can all get your costumes!

Billy. What are our costumes?

Teacher. We went the realism route this year.

Chris. What does realism mean?

Teacher. Oh, you’ll see.

SFX. De-flashback.

Narrator. After the first couple of rehearsals, Chris began to get more comfortable in her costume, and realized that it was the one thing giving her joy in an otherwise bleak existence. This comfort started innocently, with her wearing the costume to sleep in, but soon spiraled wildly out of control, as she needed it, like a drug, more and more every day. She wore it to school for show and tell one day…

SFX. Classroom noise.

Billy. …and, though it won’t actually kill me, it will make my entire life difficult. And I can’t play on swing sets. That’s my presentation.

SFX. Laughter.

Teacher. Thank you…Billy…for that wonderful presentation…Who wants to go next?

Chris. Ohh! Me me me me me!

Teacher. Ok, Chris, you can go next. Just calm down.

Chris. Okay!

SFX. Footsteps.

Chris. Today, I’m showing you my costume for the school play!

Class. Yawn.

Chris. I am playing the part of Foxy Loxy, and I’ve been wearing my costume a lot, lately. I find that it makes me feel safe and at home. I no longer have to carry a blankie around to feel okay. It’s been a great thing to have except that occasionally it makes me want to do this.

SFX. Table squeaking?

Teacher. OH MY GOD, CHRIS WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Chris. Umm…I dunno? I just want to do it.

Teacher. Stop doing that!

Chris. I don’t wanna!

Teacher. I’m going to send you to the principal’s office, young lady!

Class. OOH!

Chris. Why?

Teacher. That’s…that’s inappropriate!

Chris. Why? I like it.

Teacher. Your parents will explain it to you! Get to the office right now!

(The class laughs.)

Billy. Haha! You got in trouble

Chris. Shut up Billy, you have AIDS.

(Billy cries.)

Teacher. CHRIS!

Chris. Yeah yeah, I’m going…

Narrator. And so Chris goes to the principal’s office

Principal. And that’s why you can’t wear that costume around!

Chris. What’s why?

Principal. What do you mean?

Chris. Well you didn’t explain anything.

Principal. You will do as I say! And I’ve called your mother!

Chris. Oh no! Why?

Principal. Because you were humping a table while wearing a fursuit. You can’t do that young lady. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

SFX. Chris humps stuff?

Chris. I dunno, I just wanted to do this.

Principal. STOP HUMPING MY LEG.

SFX. Door opens, footsteps.

Chris’ Mom. Chris, what on earth are you doing?!

Principal. She’s raping me!

Chris’ Mom. Um…I don’t think that’s entirely-

Principal. Your daughter is very naughty! She’s trying to take sexual advantage of me while I’m drunk!

Chris’ Mom. You’re drunk?

Principal. Well…uh…no, but–

Chris’ Mom. CHRIS STOP HUMPING HIS LEG.

Chris. I don’t wanna!

Chris’ Mom. I think the real issue here is that you’re drunk at work, sir!

Principal. No it isn’t! The fact that I’m a known art thief and a registered Libertarian is the real issue here!

Chris’ Mom. What?

Principal. Nothing, nothing. Listen, you need to make your daughter stop humping my leg or one of us is going to get arrested.

SFX. Footsteps, walkie talkie noise.

Police. Sir, I’ll need you to come with me.

Chris’ Mom. How did the police get here so fast?

Police. This woman is a known art thief, we’ve been trying to catch him for years. Thanks to your daughter’s insane furversion, now we have an excuse to lock her up for the rest of her life.

Principal. YOU LITTLE BASTARD! I’LL RUIN YOU!

Police. Ma’am, please put down the potato.

Principal. YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!

SFX. Explosion.

(Beat.)

Police. Oh, that was a grenado.

(Beat.)

Chris’ Mom. Chris, stop humping his leg.

Chris. But I can’t!

Police. Ma’am, your daughter is clearly a budding furry. You’ll have to restrain her or we will have to take her downtown. You hear that, kid? Your furversion has already gotten a man killed today, do you want to make it worse? Your conscience will be weighted down forever with that.

Chris. But all I want to do is hump his leg!

(Beat.)

Chris. OR YOURS!

SFX. Chris humping stuff?

Police. OH GOD, IT BURNS! DEAR ZEUS MAKE IT STOP!

SFX. Gunshot. Thump.

Chris’ Mom. Oh, great, Chris, you’ve gotten someone else killed today–AND STOP HUMPING HIS LEG THAT’S WRONG ON A LOT OF LEVELS.

Chis. I caaaaaaaaaaaaan’t!!!!

SFX. De-flashback.

Chris. And so, you see…my conscience has been weighted down with that ever since…(Sobs.)

DSNT. What an uplifting tale. We’ll be right back after these words from our sponsors!

SFX. 1-800-SUE-BUTT 2.

DSNT. We’re back with Chris the Furry. Tell us about the next part of your life.

Chris. Well…I realized I was a furry early on. However, I didn’t know what it meant until high school. It all happened one day during art class…

SFX. Flashback.

Teacher. So we’ll be doing nude models for the rest of the week. Everyone take careful note of our nude model and get to work.

SFX. Classroom noise.

Chris. Teacher?

Teacher. Yes?

Chris. Can I go to the bathroom?

Teacher. Sure, take a hall pass.

SFX. Footsteps.

(Beat.)

Chris. (Sighs.)…I wear this leopard print leotard underneath my clothes every day, but I’m still unhappy. I wish I could wear my fursuit everywhere…

SFX. Door. Footsteps. Stall door.

Chris. What’s this written on the door? “Fur a good time come down to Foxy Ladies?”…this sounds…promising.

SFX. De-Flashback.

Chris. And so I looked it up on the internet. It turned out to be a furry bar. Unfortunately, I only had one fursuit, and it actually was just a bearskin rug that I roughly stitched into a toga. It was rather difficult to get into a bag for easy hiding, so when I tried to leave the house to go to the furry bar, my parents noticed.

Fluid.. Compelling story, Chris.

Vera DID THEY GET MAD AT YOU? DID THEY SPANK YOU WITH COLD CUTS?

DSNT. Vera…shut the hell up.

Vera I AM THE HOST OF THIS SHOW.

DSNT. No. No you are not.

Fluid. Vera, please let Chris finish her story.

Chris. As I was saying, my parents noticed. They got really mad and told me that if I didn’t shape up, they’d throw me out. I never did go to Foxy Ladies. I have to wonder, how would my life be different if I had? Maybe I would have gotten my furversion out of my system then and wouldn’t lead a life of sin now.

DSNT. Doubtful. You women are all destined for sin.

Fluid. DSNT!

DSNT. What?

(Beat.)

DSNT. Women are objects, not people.

Chris. Let me just stop you there and continue my story.

SFX. Flashback.

Narrator. Now Chris is in college. She got a job at her college’s local sandwich shop–

Chris. DeCafe.

Narrator. …at her college’s local DeCafe, and saved up money from each paycheck in order to buy her very own fursuit.

Chris. What would you like?

Fluid. I’ll have a tomato wrap, please.

Chris. What would you like on it?

Fluid. Uh…I’ll have honey mustard…and…uh…uh…uh…I’ll have some turkey…and…uh…

Chris. Mozzarella, sweet chili, spinach, and artichokes wrapped and grilled to go?

Fluid. Yeah, that.

DSNT. You’re a woman. And I want a sandwich.

Chris. Hold on, I just have to finish A Fluid Thing’s and–

DSNT. Make me a sandwich.

Chris. I–

DSNT. Listen, you’re a woman! Your purpose on Earth is to bring me a tall frosty one already open with a sandwich.

Chris. I don’t think–

DSNT. You’re also a furry. You should be wearing a full-body hairnet. A body net.

Chris. You’re being extremely rude!

Fluid. Yeah, and she made me a really fantastic sandwich! If you were more polite to her she’d probably make–

DSNT. Fluid, I’m the one who’s good with the ladies. You’re the one who…what’re you good at anyway, what do you do, have sex with goats? Anyway, there’s only one way to deal with these types.

Fluid. Politeness?

DSNT. Massive flamethrower genocide.

Chad. Is this the sandwich line?

DSNT. No, hippie, it’s the smoothie line. Wait your turn.

Chad. Oh, uh, hey, Chris.

Chris. Hi, Chad.

(Beat.)

Chris. Sadly, you’re the person in this room I most want to talk to.

(Beat.)

Fluid. You guys broke up, right?

(Beat.)

Chris. Uh, Chad dumped me last week, yeah.

Chad. Okay, I did not dump you! I just couldn’t date someone with your…you know…

Fluid.. Oh, you’re a Mormon, right?

(Beat.)

Chad. Yeah, I am.

Fluid.. That sounds fun!

(Beat.)

DSNT. You fur-clad blasphemer!

Chris. Okay, get out of here!

DSNT. THIS WILL TEACH YOU TO PRACTICE YOUR WAYS OF FURVERSION!!!

Chad. What’re you pulling out of your butt?

SFX. Schlort.

Chris. OH, EWW!!!

Chad. HOW DID YOU EVEN GET A WATERMELON UP THERE?!

DSNT. See, back in ‘Nam…

SFX. De-flashback.

Chris. That was earlier today…I just got out of work before this show. You still have your sandwiches.

Vera. So, that’s why you have honey mustard on your sleeve.

DSNT. Fluid, stop sucking on her fursuit!

Fluid. BUT IT’S SO DELICIOUS!!!

DSNT. Okay, we’ll worry about that later. Right now, I’d like to talk to all of our viewers

Fluid. Because the radio is a visual medium.

DSNT. Thank you, Fluid. Anyway, I’d like to talk to all of our viewers about Phil Collins. We often make fun of Phil Collins on our show. However, we only do so in jest and in gentle mockery of the public way in which he divorces lots and lots of women, sometimes by fax.

Fluid. What about the multiple-personalities thing?

DSNT. What do you mean?

Fluid. We make fun of him for having multiple personalities, but that is nothing but a work of artistic falsehood.

DSNT. No, that’s true, I heard it on the radio.

Vera. I’m on the radio.

Fluid. That was a comedic sketch. Vera, we’re trying do something here.

DSNT. How is a comedic sketch different from reality?

Fluid. Comedy, especially caricature based comedy, takes one facet of a person, in this case, Mr. Collins’ career as an actor and his dramatic work with Genesis

DSNT. All of which was very wonderful

Fluid. True, and expands upon it to the point that the character has only the barest connection to the original reality.

Chris. Can I finish telling my story now?

DSNT. You mean the way Phil Collins is portrayed on the radio isn’t necessarily the way that the person who wrote that skit thinks he is?

Fluid. No! In fact it almost certainly is not how they think he is due to the fact that it is in a comedic sketch. They probably wrote a sketch about Phil Collins because they love his work and think he’s an interesting person.

DSNT. I find that unlikely.

Fluid. I find it unlikely that you’ll ever find love.

DSNT. Fair enough. At least we can be sure that Chris definitely won’t find love.

Chris. I’m leaving.

SFX. Footsteps. Door slam.

DSNT. Good. Let’s play some Phil Collins now.

SFX. Sussudio.

DSNT. I sure do love Phil Collins.

Fluid. Wait, I thought you hated Phil Collins.

DSNT. Nah, dude, he’s one of the best drummers ever. Plus he’s a big part of the reason that Genesis was the best band of all time. Hi Steve!

Fluid. Huh, I didn’t know that. Who?

DSNT. Steve Hackett appears whenever I close my eyes. Anyway, yeah, I have a lot of respect for him as a musician. He’s changed the way I play music.

Fluid. You’re a musician?

DSNT. Yeah dude, I’m a classical trumpet player.

Fluid. I didn’t know that.

DSNT. My personal life isn’t very interesting.

Fluid. I can’t imagine it would be.

Vera. That got meta really fast.

(Beat.)

Fluid. Don’t you guys want to know what I do?

DSNT. Not really, no.

Fluid. See, I’m a the-

DSNT. No don’t care.

Vera. Can I do things now?

DSNT. No. Show’s over.

Vera. We just started.

Fluid. We now conclude our broadcasting day. Click.

(Beat.)

Vera. You didn’t turn off the radio. You just said click.

DSNT. It’s voice activated.

Vera. Sussudio is still playing.

(Beat.)

DSNT. There’s…tape delay…

Fluid. Sussudio is in your miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiind!!!!!!!

Vera. What?

DSNT. If you don’t leave, I’m going to tase you.

Vera. You don’t have a–

DSNT. IMMA CHAERGIN MY TAZER!

Fluid. This is incredibly silly and meta. Let’s end the scene

Vera. But you can-

(Silence.)

DSNT. What?

Vera. Oh, I figured I’d get cut off there.

Fluid. Nah. That only works with Candle Ja–

Narrator. We go now to the office of Phil Collins. He is in the process of calling his good friend and former bandmate Steve Hackett to try to put together a reunion tour.

SFX. Phone dials. Phone rings.

Steve. Hello.

Phil. Hello Steve, it’s Phil!

Steve. Phil. How are you?

Phil. Great, great. Listen, how about putting together a tour?

Steve. I’m not opposed to a tour.

Phil. Oh, well why not?

Steve. I’m working on a new album at the moment.

Phil. Darn! Well hopefully someday in the future.

Steve. That’d be great. Thanks!

SFX. Click.

Phil. Darn! How will I put me tour together now?

Diego. Well, boss, we could try to sell more of these coonskin gutters.

Phil. We’re not on the clock right now!

Diego. Well, then you should do something that doesn’t involve selling gutters

Phil. Well, the other members of Genesis don’t want to do a reunion tour. Maybe I can do a reunion tour meself…

Diego. I don’t think that would work…

Phil. Yeah! I’ll make a one-man-band suit! You’re a genius, Diego!

Diego. Well actually, I–

Phil. Hold down the fort here! I’m going to go buy the required materials for the suit!

Narrator. We now to WOBC the next day, where Fluid and DSNT are having a very special bonding moment during their progressive rock show.

SFX. Paintbox.

DSNT. Well I’m just glad they’re not pressing charges.

Fluid. You really should be more careful who you show that to.

DSNT. She looked 16!

Fluid. The age of consent is 18!

DSNT. I thought it was 14.

Fluid. That has never been true. Ever.

(Beat.)

DSNT. I’m pretty sure in Alaska.

Fluid. EVER!

(Beat.)

DSNT. Well it’s all the same, we don’t even live in Alaska, I’m not sure why I brought that up. Anyway it’s fine because it was on a Sunday.

Fluid. That makes it worse!

DSNT. What, are you telling me there’s different rules about doing that in a church?

Fluid. Socially, yes!

DSNT. Well, I’m pretty sure I’m in the clear.

Fluid. It was the sheriff’s daughter!

DSNT. Totally worth it.

Fluid. You’re still bleeding!

DSNT. A .22 to the shoulder is a small price to pay for that kind of ecstasy.

Fluid. I have to say, I would not have expected women to still carry Derringers in their purses.

DSNT. I thought it wasn’t loaded; she had shot at me with it earlier that morning.

Fluid. She probably reloaded because you stuck around!

DSNT. That’s a good point. Well now no one can say there’s a sheriff’s daughter in the county who hasn’t seen my tattoo.

Fluid. Well, I do have to say, it’s pretty rad of you to get a tat of Big Bird on your chest.

DSNT. I know, right?

Fluid. Well, it’s still indecent exposure

DSNT. That’s what the police said.

Fluid. That’s because it is!

DSNT. I maintain that it was pretty decent.

Fluid. That will never stand up in court.

DSNT. Sure it will, just look at these abs.

SFX. Rip.

Fluid. That wasn’t necessary at all.

DSNT. Or was it?

Fluid. It wasn’t.

DSNT. Oh…

(Beat.)

DSNT. I’m in love with Station Manager.

Fluid. Mora?

DSNT. She just…the way she manages the station really gets me going.

Fluid. Her name is Mora. And that’s a very strange turn-on.

DSNT. Well, what can I say? At least I like her best assets.

Fluid. Don’t you also like her rack? You talk about it a lot. I think she finds it offensive.

DSNT. I like what I like.

Fluid. And you yar what you yar?

DSNT. That was stupid.

Fluid. Well I was hoping to change the subject.

DSNT. I mean, I just…sometimes I wish I could move away from all this and take Station Manager with me. I would be pretty cool with moving to a deserted island with her. I’d probably be able to drop what I do to be with her.

Fluid. I’m uncomfortable with this conversation.

DSNT. I realize that’s unhealthy. But in a way, those things aren’t what I am. Station Manager gets what I am in a way that other people don’t. The things that I do don’t define me at all and she knows that I think.

Fluid. I was unaware that you talked to her. Or had a soul.

DSNT. Well…I mean, that sock under my bed that I pretend is her seems to get me.

Fluid. I…that is….I…

DSNT. I just wish I could tell Station Manager all this.

Fluid. Her name is Mora!

DSNT. It’s all in how you pronounce the “anager.”

Fluid. OW. OW. OW. My head hurts. I need to leave. This conversation has given me a very specific kind of cancer. And don’t tell her about the sock!

SFX. Footsteps. Door open, Fluid and Vera say hi. Footsteps.

DSNT. *Sigh*…I don’t think anyone will ever get me…

Vera. Hey, nice tattoo. Did you ever notice you have a concave chest?

DSNT. I hate you, Vera.

Vera. I’m here to DJ.

DSNT. You aren’t involved with this show.

Vera. Well…I’m here.

DSNT. Well I don’t want to talk to you.

Vera. Girl problems?

DSNT. That’s unusually perceptive of you.

Vera. It’s likely to be a problem with you. I don’t think most women would want to talk to you without the presence of a lawyer.

DSNT. Again: perceptive. Why are you alone with me then?

Vera. I’m a femme fatale.

DSNT. That’s an archetype, not an explanation. You’re confusing tropes with original thoughts.

Vera. And you’re an author surrogate.

DSNT. Touche.

(Beat.)

DSNT. Anyway, yeah. I’m just hung up on this girl I like.

Vera. The best way to get over someone is to go on dates with other people. For example, the friend with whom I set you up on a blind date.

DSNT. You did that for me?

Vera. I did it just before this conversation started.

DSNT. Well…I dunno. I’m kind of hung up on this one girl. I’m not even really attracted to other women because of it.

Vera. Look at my chest.

DSNT. You have a point.

Vera. Two of them.

DSNT. You shouldn’t wear those 50’s style bras to the radio. There are a lot of occupational safety laws you’re violating.

Vera. You’re meeting her at The Feve at 7 tomorrow.

DSNT. I can’t believe you set that up for me.

Vera. No problem, cutie pie.

DSNT. Do you want to announce the next song?

Vera. I’d like nothing better.

SFX. Music fades out.

Narrator. Meanwhile, A Fluid Thing has left WOBC and is now walking along the busy street.

SFX. Street noises. Under the monologue, Fluid enters a restaurant and sits down.

Fluid. That goddamn DSNT and his goddamn perversions. The next time he talks about Station Manager that way, I think I’m going to have to challenge him to a duel, A Fluid Thing style. Which I think means a pillow fight. I wouldn’t really shoot anyone. Or stab them. Or punch them. I dunno, do I really want to solve this crisis with a pillow fight? Maybe I should just buckle down, go to a gun range, and learn to shoot like a man. That’s it! It’s time I stopped being a boy and learned the fine art of wanton destruction. Hmm, now where would I get a gun? Wait, wait, wait, this is all a terrible idea. Maybe I’ll take a fencing class. That’s old fashioned. Or, I guess I could always just talk to him. But, then again, when we talk it usually turns into a shouting match or a small part of my brain breaks. You know, I feel like I’ve had this conversation with myself before. Maybe every time DSNT says something absolutely offensive I have a moral dilemma, break down and repress it from my memory. What if a large portion of my life has been erased by–wait, where am I? Oh, I guess I walked to a restaurant in my huff. Might as well get some coffee.

Patron 1. Why is that man talking to himself?

Patron 2. Shh, he’s crazy.

Fluid. Who’s talking to himself?

Patron 1/Patron 2. AHH!

SFX. They run out the door.

Fluid. That’s odd. Maybe there’s someone crazy here.

Don. Hello, and welcome to The Feve! I’m Don and I’ll be your–

Fluid. Oh, you.

Don. Sorry?

Fluid. I know you already. Don Qui-Ho-Te, your last name’s faux Cherokee.

Don. I’m sorry, I’m not sure I remember you.

Fluid. You broke into the station and beat me senseless.

Don. Not ringin’ a bell.

Fluid. And then Sean Connery saved my life.

Don. Well, I–

Fluid. You’re lucky to be alive. I want another waiter.

Don. I’m the only waiter!

(Beat.)

Fluid. What.

Don. We’re in a recession!

Fluid. Ugh. Well, can I have a moment to look at the menu, then?

Don. No!

Fluid. I’m just gonna take my time.

Don. Order the special!

Fluid. I just want something–

Don. It’s a burger!

Fluid. Something to drink, jeez!

Don. I’ll put it in a blender, then!

SFX. Fluid gets up.

Fluid. That’s it, I’m leaving!

SFX. Gun cocks.

Don. Not on my watch, you’re not.

(Beat.)

Fluid. Oh, for fuck’s sake.

SFX. BLEEP THE FUCK THE FUCK OUT.

Narrator. Meanwhile, in Washington DC…

Roger. THAT’S IT!!!

Narrator. The new Secretary of Agriculture, Roger Woodruff, has imported a hotshot doctor from Ohio to be his personal physician.

Roger. I’ve had it with these voices! They’ve been all up in my head talking about what I’m doing all day, and it’s gotten really annoying.

Erica. That’s just the Narrator, secretary Woodruff.

Roger. The, excuse me, what?

Narrator. I’m just the narrator. You know, I make sure the audience knows what they’re hearing. For example, you’re a new character getting checked up by one of the show’s main characters, Dr. Erica Dyer, so I’m introducing you to the audience.

Roger. Then why have I been hearing your voice all day?! That’s why I called her here in the first place!

Narrator. Oh, sometimes I like to screw with people. Schizophrenia? That’s me.

Erica. It’s also a fantastic plot device to bring you into the show.

Roger. So, I’m not crazy?

Erica. No, but I will need you to take these pills for the next few weeks.

Roger. What, is the narrator contagious or something? Did he give me herpes?

Erica. Not exactly. This is just a drug trial.

Roger. Well, if there’s no problem with me other than an omnipresent disembodied voice being cruel, then why do I need to be part of a drug trial?

Erica. Don’t worry about it. You’ll feel better in no time.

Roger. Somehow I feel worse.

Erica. I do want to warn you, you might lose a lot of sleep. And dignity. But, I’m sure you’ll be enthralled with the results!

Roger. I refuse to take any medicine if I don’t know what–

Erica. Look at my chest.

Roger. Well, I guess you are the doctor.

Erica. I knew you’d come around. I’ll make another appointment with you next Monday to check up. I’ll be going back to Ohio, now.

SFX. Jetpack. Phone rings and is picked up over the jet hum.

Erica. Hello? Sorry if there’s noise, I’m using my jetpack.

Vera. Erica, that hypno-bra you gave me worked perfectly! Though, I can’t seem to hug people without giving them gaping chest wounds.

Erica. Excellent! Mine’s been working fine, too. Speaking of which, would you like to join a drug trial?

Vera. What?

Erica. Sadly, it doesn’t seem to work over the phone. I’ll see you in an hour.

SFX. Phone hangs up.

Narrator. Back at The Feve…

Don. Will you order the special burger now?

Fluid. No! You chained me to the table!

SFX. Punch.

Don. Now?

Fluid. No! Let me go! Someone, help me!

Don. Who are you calling to?

Fluid. Anyone! Help!

Don. Nobody’s here! It’s a recession!

Fluid. Help!

Don. Recession!

Fluid. Please, someone let me out!

Don. RECESSIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!!!

Fluid. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!

(Beat.)

Fluid. Okay, so you trapped me and there’s nobody else here. What do you want from me? Revenge?

Don. Revenge for what? We’ve never met–

Fluid. YOU BROKE. INTO THE STATION. AND BEAT ME UP.

Don. Is that code for “I’ll have the burger special, medium well?”

Fluid. LAST CHRISTMAS. MY NAME IS A FLUID THING. YOU’RE DON QUI-HO-TE. WE KNOW EACH OTHER.

Don. Still not ringin’ a bell.

Fluid. And, didn’t you have a wife or something?

Don. My wife and I divorced last month!

Fluid. Well, serves you right! She’s probably with Sean Connery now.

Don. Actually, she’s the pope’s secret consort!

(Beat.)

Fluid. Just let me go, please.

Don. Not until you buy the burger!

Fluid. NO! NO BURGER!

Don. Then we must compete in a BATTLE OF WITS!!!

(Beat.)

Fluid. You’re kidding.

Don. We could play at questions.

Fluid. What good would that do?

Don. Practice!

Fluid. Statement! One-love!

Don. Cheating!

Fluid. How?

Don. I hadn't started yet!

Fluid. Statement. Two-love.

Don. Are you counting that?

Fluid. What?

Don. Are you counting that?

Fluid. Foul! No repetitions. Three-love. First game to--

Don. I'm not going to play if you're going to be like that.

Fluid. Whose serve?

Don. Hah?

Fluid. Foul! No grunts. Love-one.

Don. Who's go?

Fluid. Why?

Don. Why not?

Fluid. What for?

Don. Foul! No synonyms. One-all.

Fluid. What in God's name is going on?

Don. Foul! No rhetoric! Two-one.

Fluid. What does it all add up to?

Don. Can't you guess?

Fluid. Were you addressing me?

Don. Is there anyone else?

Fluid. Who?

Don. How would I know?

Fluid. Why do you ask?

Don. Are you serious?

Fluid. Was that rhetoric?

Don. No.

Fluid. Statement! Two-all. Game point.

Don. What's the matter with you today?

Fluid. When?

Don. What?

Fluid. Are you deaf?

Don. Am I dead?

Fluid. Yes or no?

Don. Is there a choice?

Fluid. Is there a God?

Don. Foul! No non-sequiturs, three-two, one game all.

Fluid. What's your name?

Don. What's yours?

Fluid. I asked you first.

Don. Statement. One-love.

Fluid. What's your name when you're at home?

Don. What's yours?

Fluid. When I'm at home?

Don. Is it different at home?

Fluid. What home?

Don. Haven't you got one?

Fluid. Why do you ask?

Don. What are you driving at?

Fluid. What's your name?!

Don. Repetition. Two-love. Match point to me.

Fluid. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

Don. Rhetoric! Game and match!

Fluid. Dammit.

Don. So, would you like to buy the burger, or do I have to continue humiliating you with my razor-sharp wit?

Fluid. I hate you so much.

Narrator. Meanwhile, somewhere that isn’t stealing Tom Stoppard’s dialogue…

Chris. Somewhere that what?

Narrator. Er, I mean–meanwhile, in Chris the Furry’s apartment, Chris is crying herself to sleep.

(Chris cries for an uncomfortably long time. Beat.)

Narrator. And, that’s why you shouldn’t be a furry. Join us again every Sunday at 1 p.m. for another classic episode of Twizzlers For Everyone Forever presents: Death Spares Not the Tiger, an epic radio drama as we continue this story arc: For Want of a Fail!

All. IT’S MY BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTT!!!