DSNT. It wasn’t always this way. There used to be water on this planet. Back before the war… We never thought those bombs would get used, but I guess once your back is pushed up against the wall, you’ll do whatever to survive…. I really learned a lot about survival this summer… I never knew what I’d do just to keep my body going. I can’t even account for all of the people I killed…or ate… and how many French chicks I made love to…

Fluid. DSNT!

DSNT. What? I’d never given much thought to how I would die.

Fluid. You did NOT just quote Twilight. Say the line I was saying!

DSNT. I did not listen to a single word you said.

Fluid. But I wrote an entire opening monologue for you!

DSNT. I did not listen to a word of that. I wrote my silly post-apocalyptic monologue for this scene. It’s funny.

Fluid. I wrote a whole thing! It was funny!

DSNT. I heartily disagree.

Fluid. But see, it had a formula.

DSNT. It’s my episode.

Fluid. But this doesn’t make any sense, we can’t do a scene where I’m talking to you after my whole episode. I shouldn’t be in the opening of your episode.

DSNT. It’ll be fine; just roll with it.

Fluid. No it will not!

DSNT. Ugh, fine, write your thing down.

Fluid. I do not approve of what we just did to the fourth wall there. I went through my entire episode and am on my way to a secret meeting! So is Mora, apparently, but I’m not sure where she’s going.

DSNT. Whaddya know, I have a secret meeting in an hour, too.

(Beat.)

Fluid. Stop hallucinating, I’ve already left the room and am enacting the events of my episode from last week that runs concurrently to yours.

DSNT. Okay, then. (Several grunts.) Hmm. The LSD seems to still be in my system.

Fluid. Lobsters are on the ceiling.

DSNT. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!

(Beat.)

DSNT. And so I began my campaign to destroy all the wood in the world by eating it alive. I was halfway through Tappan Square when I realized bark was indigestible and had caused me great intestinal distress. And so I began my campaign to destroy all the bark in the world by burning it. I was halfway through Tappan Square when I realized it was hard to burn bark in rain and sleet. And so I began my campaign to destroy all the rain and sleet in the world with a hairdryer. I was halfway through Tappan Square when I realized that it was pointless to dry things during the rain and that hairdryers didn’t work without outlets. And so I began my campaign to destroy all the outlets of the world with my tongue. I was halfway through Tappan Square when I realized that there ware no outlets there, and if I had attempted to destroy them with my tongue I would’ve been met with great resistance. Though, really I mean great voltage. Through my tongue. So, instead I went to get a taxidermy license for the station because by that point the LSD had worn off and I’d wasted twenty minutes.

SFX. Traffic

DSNT. I whistled for a cab, and when it came near…

SFX. Rickshaw.

DSNT. This…is a rickshaw…

Ron. Hiya!

DSNT. A rickshaw that appears to be…pulled…by Ron Howard…

Ron. The acting game doesn’t pay the way it used to, I’m afraid.

DSNT. But aren’t you a famous director now?

Ron. Last night, I dined on Fancy Feast.

DSNT. Oh…that’s what that smell is.

Ron. I haven’t actually made a movie in thirty years, unless you count pornos.

DSNT. And I do!

Ron. In that case I have done nothing but make movies since my retirement from acting!

DSNT. Okay…that’s fine…just don’t…touch me…

(Beat.)

DSNT. Wait, what about Apollo 13? And A Beautiful Mind?

Ron. Shaq directed those. I let him use my name because we weren’t sure the public was ready for his art.

DSNT. What about The Da Vinci Code?

Ron. If you look really closely, you’ll notice that that movie and all of its actors and special effects are just Tom Hanks in different wigs and waving lint balls around. I’m surprised no one noticed. We just sort of found it in his home movies.

DSNT. Okay Ron Howard that’s great. So how do I get in?

Ron. Depends. Would you like an invitation to the party in my pants?

DSNT. I am not saying no thanks to you, I’m saying no thanks to your herpes.

Ron. They say they understand but will be willing to try again in five years when you’ve both grown up a little more.

DSNT. I have always said that herpes, like fine wine, grows better with age.

Ron. That reminds me of the time I worked in a winery.

SFX. Flashback. Cruella DeVille song.

Cruella. Ronny! Go make me a sandwich! And while you’re gone, I’ll do nefarious things that you certainly will hear through the grapevine…or should I say the WINE-VINE that you’ll tell your rickshaw customers about in 30 years. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Ron. So what do you want on your sandwich?

Cruella. MURDER!

Ron. So puppies on rye?

Cruella. With mustard. DIJON MUSTARD!

Ron. What about sun-dried tomatoes?

Cruella. Sun-dried tomatoes are just tomatoes that have been raped and pillaged of all that was once good in them.

Ron. So…yes?

Cruella. And some Bibb lettuce.

Ron. I don’t think we have any Bibb lettuce in our refrigerator, ma’am.

Cruella. Well then I suppose you’ll have to hump down to the market and get some.

Ron. I don’t think it’s in season.

Cruella. What is the matter with you? Bibb lettuce is grown with hydroponics, it doesn’t have a season.

Ron. Damn you and your PhD in Herbology!

Cruella. That’s why I run a winery.

Ron. I always wondered why we put marijuana in the wine.

Cruella. To keep ‘em coming back!

Ron. So I’ll get your sandwich miss Deville?

Cruella. With extra puppies on the side.

SFX. Pitter patter away.

Cruella. It’s good to be the king. Now to watch over my creation…of wine! Down in the factory…I’m gonna watch down in the factory….transition over.

SFX. Machine noise, fade out Cruella DeVille.

Tom. I think I should get married.

Harry. You’re dumb. Marriage is dumb.

Dick. It’s my buuuuuuutt!

Tom. Excuse me?

Dick. I’m an ancillary character from season three!

Tom. I’ve been a bachelor for long enough. I’m thinking I should just settle down and get a wife.

Harry. A wife will do nothing but make you a cuckhold. And she’ll steal your finances!

Dick. I disagree! There can be no greater and purer happiness than that which exists between a man and his wife.

Harry. Remember what Cato said.

Dick. That thing about Fancy Feast?

Harry. That’s a cat, you dolt. I mean Cato the Roman philosopher!

Tom. Go on…

Harry. Well surely, sir, you will want to marry one of these young wenches who works here in the factory?

Tom. Surely. I am the factory supervisor, I think I’m entitled to a comely wife.

Dick. And, truly, as sure as God is King, it is a glorious act to take a wife, especially when a man is old and gray; then a wife is his prize treasure.

Tom. I’m not that old.

Harry. You’re about sixty.

Tom. I guess. I’m in pretty good health. I can see and everything.

Dick. He should then take a young, fair wife with whom he can have an heir and spend his days in joy and in comfort, while these bachelors sing “Alas” whenever they are not fortunate in love – that’s just childish vanity.

Harry. What book are you reading from?

Dick. The Canterbury Tales! Actually, it is very fitting that bachelors often experience pain and woe; they build on promiscuous ground, and they find promiscuity–

Tom. Shut up, Dick. What do you say, Harry?

Harry. I think you shouldn’t take a wife in an effort to save money. She’ll just take your money and spend it on…shoes…and vending machines and…snuggies…and cravats…

Dick. A WIFE TRULY IS A GIFT FROM GOD. ALL OTHER KINDS OF GIFTS ARE JUST GIFTS OF FORTUNE WHICH PASS AWAY.

Tom. Go back to work.

Dick. Alright then. I’m working now.

SFX. Footsteps. Machine. Explosion.

Tom. So…I think I’m going to get a wife after all, Harry.

Harry. I can’t advise against it enough.

Tom. Too bad. Wait, what’s that I smell burning?

Dick. It’s my butt!

Tom. This is a dangerous factory.

SFX. Whistling.

Tom. You! Serving wench! I’ll marry you.

Wenchulla. Sounds fine to me.

Tom. Fantastic then. We shall be married on the morrow.

Wenchulla. On the what now?

Tom. Tomorrow. Here, I’ll get Wendell to help you with the wedding arrangements.

Wenchulla. So you’re going to put me in close proximity to your hot assistant for long periods of unsupervised time?

Tom. I don’t see a problem with that.

Wendell. Nor do I!

Tom. Wendell!

Wendell. I overheard and saw your conversation with the hidden cameras and microphones I have around the factory to observe Wenchulla’s movements.

Wenchulla. How sweet!

Tom. Yes, yes… Anyway, I need you to plan our wedding. Chop, chop. I have work to do.

SFX. Footsteps.

Wendell. So I guess we should start planning.

Wenchulla. I want to get busy.

Wendell. That’s fantastic! Let’s pick a cake.

Wenchulla. I’d like you to pick my cake. And then slowly feed it to me.

Wendell. Well, I mean, when we do taste tests I imagine you would probably be allowed to touch it yourself; don’t worry about that.

Wenchulla. And then smash it all over my face.

Wendell. Well I wouldn’t recommend that. If you get icing on your face you’ll break out in pimples. Good icing is like, fifty percent shortening.

Wenchulla. I want to have your babies.

Wendell. Oh I see…Wouldn’t your husband be extremely cross if we did that?

Wenchulla. That just means we’ll have to be careful.

Wendell. I assumed we’d use a rubber regardless.

Wenchulla. What? That’s…okay, that isn’t what I meant at all.

Wendell. Oh! Careful.

Wenchulla. What?

Wendell. Let’s just pick some cake, I’ll leave this up to you.

Wenchulla. Oh yes you will…yes you will…MWAHAHAHAHA!

SFX. Wedding sounds.

Tom. Oh Wenchulla, this is the happiest day of my life.

Wenchulla. Yawn.

Tom. So, that was a gorgeous wedding service, I think this may well be the longest wedding reception of all time. I didn’t have the money or time for a honeymoon, but I told everyone not to go into the breakroom from 3:15 to 3:22.

Wenchulla. (Sarcastically.) That long?

Tom. Hey, I’m being optimistic! I don’t want to rush things. On our wedding…afternoon…

Wenchulla. I can’t believe we had our wedding here, it’s so dangerous.

Tom. It’s not that dangerous!

Wenchulla. This winery consistently rates higher than Detroit on “Most Dangerous Places in America” lists!

Tom. Those alarmist bastards!

Wenchulla. Oh no! That machine exploded!

Tom. What machine!

Wenchulla. KABOOM!

Tom. I didn’t see anything.

Wenchulla. You didn’t! Oh no! It must have blinded you!

Tom. I’m not blind.

Wenchulla. Quick, Tom, how many fingers am I holding up?!

Tom. What?

Wenchulla. TOM THERE’S NO TIME QUICK TELL ME!!!

Tom. You’re not holding up any fingers.

Wenchulla. Oh fie! Oh fie! This is tragic! Blinded! On the afternoon of your wedding!

Tom. I’m not blind.

Wenchulla. Yes you are Tom. You can’t even see how many fingers I’m holding up! This is terrible!

Tom. I don’t think this–

Wenchulla. You’ll have to put these glasses on to protect your eyes from further damage!

Tom. What?

Wenchulla. Quick! Put these on!

Tom. Oh, I see now. I’m blind.

Wenchulla. You mean you don’t see now?

(Beat.)

Wenchulla. I mean…yes you are Tom. Yes you are.

Tom. Well what will I do?! Blinded! What horrible fate. I’m married to the most beautiful woman in a ten-hectare radius and I’m blind!

Wenchulla. (Bored.) Oh no, how will we get on. It’s so sad.

Tom. Wenchulla, dear, you’ll have to hold on to me. I can’t bear to live if I can’t be in contact with you!

Wenchulla. What? No, we can’t do that. I have…things to do.

Tom. You must! I love you too much!

Wenchulla. Why don’t you just get Cruella to give you one of those dogs she keeps around to use as a seeing-eye dog?

Tom. Umm…I don’t think she’d be okay with that.

Wenchulla. Well, Tom, I can’t–

Tom. Give me your hand!

SFX. Struggle.

Tom. Okay, now you’ll just have to lead me around everywhere.

Wenchulla. Umm…okay. This will be okay…I guess.

SFX. Writing on paper over next couple of lines.

Tom. (Says boring things about how she’ll have to help him while he’s blind.)

Wenchulla. (Under Tom’s lines.) Yeah…okay, honey…yeah…that’s fine…okay…

Wendell. Oh, it looks like Wenchulla wrote me a note…it says “climb up on Tom’s private machine”. Interesting. Okay, I’ll do that.

Wenchulla. Honeyyyyyy I want to go to your machine.

Tom. Okay, it tends to make me feel better to use it.

Wenchulla. Yeah…and it’s so sexy that you made the whole thing yourself.

Tom. Okay, we’ll go use my private machine that I built myself that only I have a key to use.

Wenchulla. Marvelous!

SFX. Footsteps. Metal scratching. Russian Face.

Wenchulla. I’ve heard other people talk about this, but what exactly does this do?

Tom. Well, Cruella wanted to have a flagship product, and I realized that the best way to make wine would be combining it with homosexuality and disco music.

Wenchulla. That’s so interesting, dear. I want to climb on it.

Tom. But Wenchulla, if you climb on the machine, then you won’t be touching me anymore.

Wenchulla. Don’t be ridiculous, I’m just going up on the machine. What could happen?

Tom. I guess, but still, I worry. You’re so much younger than me.

Wenchulla. Tom, I’m not going to cuckhold you on our wedding afternoon. Don’t be ridiculous.

Tom. Oh fine.

SFX. Grunting, clanking. Sex noises of some sort? Maybe just like “mmm” and stuff like that.

(Pause.)

Tom. I forgot how sexual this song was. That Dchingis Gaga sure put a lot of weird sound effects in the song.

SFX. Russian Face fade out. Cruella DeVille fade in.

Cruella. Ah, this sure is a delicious puppy sandwich. That Ron Howard sure knows how to make a sandwich. I need to write myself a note reminding me not to apply electrodes to his sensitive spots tonight. (Beat.) HAHAHAHA, oh I’m funny. Of course I’m going to do that. I should survey down on my creation. I hear one of my workers got married tonight.

SFX. Footsteps.

Cruella. Ah yes, my factory is a hallmark of efficiency and class. Tom sure built a fine machine over there. A fine machine that his new bride and some random guy appear to be having sex on. Oh dear. That’s awful! Why is Tom just watching!? He’s got those glasses on, maybe he can’t see! I’ll fix this. I owe it to him to show him what’s going on.

Ron. Oh come on Ms. DeVille, let him imagine that he has a happy marriage.

Cruella. NO! I need to show him that womenfolk are evil and incapable of commitment.

Ron. Okay…well for one thing they aren’t evil. Also, men are just as incapable of commitment.

Cruella. Don’t be a fool Ron. I know that most men aren’t that noble, but there’s surely one in a hundred men who are good people whereas you would be hard-pressed to find a loyal, noble woman in the entire world! Besides, men may be unloyal, but at least they’re honest about it. Women do it right in front of you and then nag you until you either just drop it or pretend it didn’t happen.

Ron. You’re an ass, Cruella. That has never happened ever.

Cruella. Whatever, I’m gonna use my sorceress powers.

Ron. You appear to have just thrown a puppy.

SFX. Throws a puppy. Puppy hits Tom in the face. Glasses clatter on the floor.

Tom. Oh my! I can see! Wenchulla! I can see!

Wenchulla. Mmm…oh yeah baby.

Tom. Wenchulla! What the hell are you doing!?

Wenchulla. Okay, Tom, I know what it looks like.

Tom. It looks like your having happy time with someone on top of the machine!

Wenchulla. Tom, Tom, Tom. You just regained your sight. You weren’t seeing clearly. We were fixing your machine.

Tom. No you weren’t!

Wenchulla. Yes we were.

Tom. Wenchulla! You weren’t wearing any pants!

Wenchulla. That’s part of the fixing it procedure.

Tom. No it isn’t! I built that damn machine! I should know!

Wenchulla. The problem is that you don’t love me!

Tom. Yes I do!

Wenchulla. Then why don’t you trust me!

Tom. Well…I mean…I do…

Wenchulla. Then believe me! Or I’ll nag you for a year until you believe me.

Tom. Well when you put it that way…okay Wenchulla. Thank you for curing my blindness.

Wenchulla. You’re welcome. Now I think you owe me some shoes.

Tom. Okay dear.

SFX. De-flashback.

DSNT. That’s a remarkably depressing story.

Ron. I learned everything I know about women from that story.

DSNT. I guess it’s no surprise that you got into directing pornos.

Ron. Well, that and the fact that my sisters used to hold me down and beat me with a sack of wet potatoes.

(Beat.)

Ron. Well, when I say sisters, I mean these older girls at school. They didn’t care for me at all. They used to call me firecrotch and make fun of my glasses.

(Beat.)

Ron. Also, this one time they made me eat a live toad. They said they’d tell the teacher that I’d been sneaking under the desks during free period to look up their skirts. But I didn’t do that at all! It was really unfair.

(Beat.)

Ron. Ah, my wild Oklahoman youth…

DSNT. Speaking of which, I have an idea for a movie.

Ron. Remember, I only direct pornos.

DSNT. Oh, this would make a fantastic porno. How do you feel about snuff films?

Ron. I’ve starred in several.

DSNT. Fantastic!

SFX. Flashback. Muzak.

Atty. I was working in the lab, late last night, when my eyes beheld an awesome sight.

Kathy. Where do you work?

Atty. MIT.

Kathy. Oh, are you a professor there?

Atty. Janitor, but same difference.

Kathy. Oh…well, what did you see?

Atty. A mathematical formula.

Kathy. That sounds fairly commonplace for MIT.

Atty. That it is.

Kathy. Well, why was it an awesome sight?

Atty. Probably all the heroin I was doing. Anyway, I solved it.

Kathy. Oh. Lovely. What will you be donating here at Goodwill today?

Atty. Guns.

Kathy. I see…don’t I remember you from last week?

Atty. Yeah, I donated some guns then, too.

Kathy. Well, these appear to be the same guns.

Atty. Well, I borrowed them last night to work on the formula.

Kathy. Why would you need guns for that?

Atty. I prefer to do long division with rifles. They divide more cleanly.

Kathy. How would that even work?

Atty. Well, they’re longer than other guns.

Kathy. No, I mean math with guns.

Atty. Well, you shoot them.

Kathy. That’s how guns work. How does math with guns work?

Atty. Pretty much the same way. Except you usually need more ammunition. Fortunately, I’m talented enough at gun-gebra that I still have two crates of rounds left. I’d like to donate them, too.

Kathy. So, I have you’re re-donating seventeen guns you stole from us and two crates of assorted ammo. I’ll just take–

SFX. Gunshot.

Kathy. Oh, my God!

Atty. Well, I have to donate them somehow!

Kathy. You just shot the cash register!

Atty. So you didn’t have to put the bullets in!

Kathy. Please! We’ll put them in there ourselves.

Atty. Oh. Well, what about these shotgun shells? They look like they won’t fit unless–

Kathy. That’s quite enough, ma’am.

Atty. All right. Well, I guess I’ll be going back to MIT. Equations await! Which reminds me…can I purchase a gun from you?

Kathy. You…you just donated…

Atty. I’d like the AK47, please.

Kathy. Ma’am, please leave.

SFX. AK47 fire.

Patron. Ow! My life!

SFX. Thump.

Kathy. Oh my god!

Atty. It’s okay, she was in season!

Kathy. Please don’t shoot me!

Atty. How many more of those do you have around here? I can only take three more with me.

Kathy. Please, don’t shoot anyone else! I–

SFX. AK47 fire.

Patron 2. My only regret…is that I got shot in the face.

SFX. Thump.

Atty. Got one! Do you wanna try, Ms. Cashier?

Kathy. I…if you don’t kill me, sure!

SFX. Gun handoff.

Atty. Make sure to point the gun away from yourself.

Kathy. Okay, I’ll point it at you! Ha!

Atty. Good! Good practice position. You seem to really understand the zen of gunning. We’ll have you doing gun-ometry and gun-culus in no time!

Kathy. Don’t move!

Atty. Are you sure you haven’t gone hunting in a Goodwill before?

Kathy. Wait…excuse me?

Atty. You know, Goodwill hunting. It’s America’s pastime!

Kathy. That…you…

SFX. Gun handoff.

Kathy. Please just shoot me now.

Atty. No way, hunting buddy! Let’s move to Stanford together. I hear there’s fantastic game in the Goodwills there!

(Beat.)

Kathy. Oh…well…I’m game!

Atty. You are?!

SFX. Gunshot.

Kathy. Ow! No, I meant I was willing, not that I was…oh! Sorry, I didn’t mean to make that pun.

Atty. Happens to the best of us.

Kathy. Do you know the number for 911?

SFX. De-flashback.

Ron. I see what you did there.

DSNT. See, it capitalizes on the popularity of Bum Fights, and fulfills the public’s desire to see Robin Williams in the nude save for a diamond-studded corset and garter socks wield a series of medieval weapons against an unarmed crowd. Of babies.

Ron. You are a terrible human being.

DSNT. Babies…the most dangerous game.

Ron. I have another movie idea for you.

DSNT. Coo…coo…(A loud series of destructive noises.)

(Beat.)

Ron. Okay, well, I do have a question. See, I don’t like driving rickshaws, so I’m thinking of making another picture. See, I have this idea for a plot, it happened to a friend of mine. See, the movie will be about this woman who’s an actor, but then she marries this guy she used to know when she was a kid, and he is an English professor, but then he gets a job at some college in the sticks, so they move there and they have a kid and she’ll be all like happy and everything’s great and she’s making friends and teaching acting and selling mason jars with flowers in them and then her husband is all like ohhhh I’m gonna be distant now and she’ll be all like ohhhh we’re not that rich I promise and then she has friends, and one of them is this woman who looks like Audrey Hepburn who’s a new English teacher and then they’ll like, be friends, and then the Hepburn woman will be all like oh, I’m gonna go to an opera with your husband and she’ll be all like oh that’s cool but what she won’t know is that the opera is the soundtrack to her pain and then she’ll like freak out and stuff and then find out that her husband is like sleeping with that woman and they’ll be like, sad, and then she’ll confront her about it and be all like bitch why you be sleepin’ with my husband and she’ll be like, come on it happens every day and she’ll be all like you can’t say that and then she’ll be all like oh yeah you can and then that’ll be the title of the movie.

DSNT. HAPPENS EVERY DAY BY ISABELLE GILLIES IS A STUPID BOOK. YOU’RE STUPID RON HOWARD. YOU’RE STUPID. LET ME OUT HERE.

Ron. This is our destination.

DSNT. GOOD. HERE’S YOUR MONEY.

Ron. This appears to be gay pornography.

DSNT. KEEP THE CHANGE YOU FILTHY HIPPIE.

Ron. Red cheeks? This goes straight to the spank bank. Ronny’s takin’ the afternoon off!

SFX. Rickshaw exit. Footsteps. Airplane crash. Massive explosion and burning.

Ron. (Screaming yet gurgly death.)

DSNT. That was horrifying. I need to make sure I go to a library sometime and burn every copy of that book. Maybe every book by someone named Isabel… I should write this down.

Gatekeeper. Do you have a hall pass?

DSNT. No.

Gatekeeper. How about three gold coins?

DSNT. Yes, actually. They’re in my gun. Cocking noise.

Gatekeeper. No! Don’t shoot! I have seventeen children!

DSNT. I’ll take your bag of gold.

Gatekeeper. NOOOOOOOO! Not my bag of gold! I use that to buy things with!

DSNT. You should have thought of that before you tried to gatekeep me.

Gatekeeper. My children will starve! I live for making purchases of three watermelon slushies at 7-11 every day with gold coins!

DSNT. Don’t make me shoot you.

Gatekeeper. Wait just a second…you aren’t holding a gun at all!

DSNT. What? Yes I am.

Gatekeeper. No you aren’t.

DSNT. Didn’t you hear the cocking noise?

Gatekeeper. That was fake.

DSNT. I’ll make it again. Cocking noise, cocking noise, cocking noise. How many times can I say cocking noise?

Gatekeeper. I can only let me in if you give me all of your worldly possessions.

DSNT. I’ll show you my worldly possessions! LOBSTER FORK ASSAULT!

SFX. Lobster fork assault!

Gatekeeper. Worldly possessions…my only weakness…

DSNT. That was my lobster fork. Not only is it worldly, but it’s high class!

Gatekeeper. Gurgle.

DSNT. I’m going inside.

SFX. Footsteps. Door.

DSNT. Hello? Taxidermy people! I’m here for a license!

George. Hello.

DSNT. Oh my god! Patrick Swayze!

George. What? No. I’m George Clooney!

DSNT. Oh my god! Patrick Swayze!

George. I just said I’m George Clooney!

DSNT. Oh my god! Patrick Swayze!

George. Here is my driver’s license.

DSNT. I don’t know know if I can believe this.

George. Fine, here’s my passport.

DSNT. According to the DMV, I am now George Clooney.

George. No…you’re just holding my driver’s license and passport…and my birth certificate where did you get that?

DSNT. I never go anywhere without my copy of George Clooney’s birth certificate.

George. Well that’s…identity theft is a very serious–

DSNT. Can I have a taxidermy license?

George. I think you should hear a story about what is wrong with identity theft first.

DSNT. This isn’t going to have anything to do with identity theft at all, is it?

SFX. Fade in Hungry Eyes.

George. So one time, I was vacationing, and I was approached by a major soap opera director. He asked me if I wanted to be the heartthrob on a new soap opera about doctors. I said of course. At the time, my only means of employment was being the fluffer for the late Ron Howard’s films. We got to filming and it was a great time, but I was hopelessly awkward around my castmates. When I discovered that they would often go dancing in a barn after shooting, I immediately grabbed my good-luck cactus and went to join them. Obviously, I was too awkward because of the cactus to join in on the revelry, but I made eyes with this really cute guy who happened to be played by Patrick Swayze.

DSNT. Oh my god! Patrick Swayze!

George. …You’re retarded, aren’t you?

DSNT. Shut up!

George. Anyway, after a raucous time when someone mistook my cactus for a rodeo pony, I was accepted and loved by all of my castmates. Then, one of my castmates had to abort his bank account, and needed me to cover his role that day. Of course, it was the first day of shooting, so instead of being the gaffer, I ended up playing the lead role. The executives were not pleased, but then when they discovered that every woman in America wanted to get into my codpiece, they let me stay. (Beat.) Then Patrick Swayze and I made sweet love by the fire. In his bungalo. Fifteen cigarettes and thirty bottles of Jim Beam later, I was a real boy. And that’s how I became an actor.

SFX. Fade out Hungry Eyes.

DSNT. That had nothing to do with identity theft. Or taxidermy. Speaking of which, how did you become a taxidermist?

George. I showed up to the meeting.

DSNT. I have longer, ramblier story.

George. Listen kid, I don’t have time–

DSNT. See back in ‘Nam…

George. Five minutes later!

DSNT. It hasn’t been five minutes. I just started speaking.

George. Five minutes…later…er!

DSNT. Time does not work that way. Back to my story.

SFX. Flashback. Vietnam noises.

DSNT. See, back in ‘Nam, things were really shook up at the Care Bear Palace in Care-a-lot. I was stationed just outside the Care Bear Cousin camp as a recon officer.

George. Wait, I don’t know anything about Care Bears. What is Care Bears about?

DSNT. I dunno…rainbows and hugs and dreams and shit. Listen to the story. So it was a rainy night near Christmas and Grumpy Bear and I were hoping for a miracle. Those filthy Care Bear Cousins had taken out an entire platoon, and we were planning on finishing them off once and for all with a well-placed Care Bear Stare. We mobilized into position once we had acquired their care-ordinates by having Strawberry Shortcake pose as a prostitute so she could get the position. So we got their position and then used a Care Bear stare on them. Have you ever been Care Bear stared? It’s like being bukkaked with happiness. Also napalm. And that’s why I have nightmares every night.

(Pause.)

DSNT. Can I have a taxidermy license now?

SFX. Gunshot. Thud.

DSNT. He shot himself in the face. Fortunately his wallet has several taxidermy licenses in it. Well…uh…there’s one for himself, a naked picture of Patrick Swayze I’m keeping that for myself, and one for Will Ferrell. I guess he’ll do. Thanks Will. You’re my boy, Blue. Now, off to the secret meeting that Fluid and Station Manager clearly don’t know about.

SFX. Batman transition.

Teller. Welcome to Bankerton Bank! How can I help you today?

Customer. I’d like a ream of two dollar bills.

Teller. I’m not sure I know what you mean.

Customer. I want a full sheet of uncut two dollar bills.

Teller. I’m sorry, but I don’t think we carry those here. Would you like fries, instead?

Customer. I don’t want no stinkin’ fries! I demand two dollar bills! I’m staging a sit-in until you give me what I want.

SFX. She sits.

Customer. So, there!

Teller. Please, ma’am, don’t make a scene! We don’t have any money like that! I’m not sure the US Mint even makes two dollar bills anymore.

Customer. (Raspberry.)

SFX. Footsteps.

Manager. What seems to be the problem here?

Teller. This woman wants–

Customer. I NEED THE TWO DOLLAR BILLS TO MAKE MY SOUP!!!

(Beat.)

Manager. You know, we sell soup here.

Teller. Ever since the government bailout, we ca basically sell anything we want. And banks aren’t even supposed to sell things.

Manager. We have beef barley soup, butternut squash soup, and gold bouillon.

Customer. How much does the last one cost?

Manager. More than you’re allowed to have on hand and not be questioned by the FBI.

Customer. Darn. I only have three fifty. What can I get for that?

Teller. You can buy a bank account with any amount over a dollar.

Manager. It’ll just cost you eight dollars a day.

Customer. That sounds reasonable.

Teller. Do you currently have a bank?

Customer. I’m unemployed and homeless, and have been so since 1998.

(Beat.)

Teller. Security!

Manager. Uh, we couldn’t afford to pay the guards, so we fired them.

Teller. Oh…uh…

SFX. Footsteps.

Linegoer. Hey, ma’am, are you in line?

Customer. Yes, I am! And I will be for a while!

Linegoer. Can I cut in front of you, then? I only have five minutes.

Customer. No! You’ll steal my two dollar bills.

Linegoer. I was actually here to deposit a check.

Customer. FOR TWO DOLLARS?!

Linegoer. No, uh, for a thousand. It’s my paycheck.

Customer. GIVE ME TWO DOLLAR BILLS!!!

Manager. Now, this is just ridiculous! We don’t carry two dollar bills here! I’ll have to ask you to leave, ma’am.

Linegoer. That’s sir to you!

Manager. I WAS TALKING TO THE HOMELESS WOMAN!!!

Linegoer. I have a very nice house! I don’t appreciate the assumptions you’re making about me based on my paycheck.

Manager. I AM NOT TALKING TO YOU!!!

Customer. Leave the man alone!

Teller. Please, stop all the arguing! YOU’RE TEARING THIS FAMILY APART!!! APAAAAAAAAAAART!!!

(Beat.)

Linegoer. Can I cash my–

Customer. NOT ON MY WATCH!!!

Manager. THIS NEEDS TO STOP!!!

Teller. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

SFX. Explosion.

Robber. This is a bank robbery! Everyone on the ground!

Teller. Security!

Manager. FOR THE LAST TIME, WE DON’T HAVE ANY SECURITY – I MEAN WE HAVE PLENTY, GO AWAY MISTER ROBBER.

Robber. On the ground, scum.

SFX. Three people kneel.

Manager. I have a bad back, can I just, like, bend over a little?

Robber. GROUND!

Manager. Okay, okay. But, my doctor will not be happy with you.

SFX. Manager kneels.

Robber. Now, where do you keep the two dollar bills in this joint?

Manager. We do not have two dollar bills!

Robber. Nonsense! These high-res satellite images of your bank say otherwise.

(Beat.)

Teller. This appears to be gay pornography.

Robber. DON’T YOU BERATE MY SATELLITES!!!

SFX. Explosion.

DSNT. COWABUNGA!!!

(Beat.)

Robber. Get on the ground!

SFX. Gunshot.

DSNT. Take that, Heathcliffe!

Robber. My only regret is that…everybody will remember me as…a ballroom dancer.(Gurgly death.)

DSNT. All right, now cough up the dough! Two dollar bills preferred.

Teller. Oh, for the last time, we don’t have any–

SFX. Explosion.

Fluid. Stop right there criminal scum!

DSNT. Already stopped him, actually. Wanna help me rob this bank?

Fluid. Is that what you were doing? I came here on a lead there’d be a robbery, but I had no idea it would be you.

DSNT. Oh, no, there was this other guy…he’s on the floor dead.

Fluid. Oh. Then, uh…my job is done?

DSNT. Since when were you a vigilante?

Fluid. Thought I’d try it out?

DSNT. Let’s just rob this bank.

Manager. We don’t have any two dollar bills!

Linegoer. Can I go, please? I have to get back to work.

DSNT. Not until after you’ve finished your treacle pudding!

Linegoer. What?!

DSNT. See, I like to teach people lessons about healthy eating. So, can I have all this bank’s money?

Manager. Sure! It’s in the vault. Just please go away afterwards.

SFX. Vault.

Manager. Take it all!

DSNT. Eh…nah.

Teller. Why not? We just want to end this hostage situation!

DSNT. I didn’t bring a big enough bag. Can I come back tomorrow?

Fluid. But, wait! If you come back tomorrow I’ll know about your plan and my vigilante justice gland will kick in!

DSNT. Good point…well, can you help me carry the money out now so we don’t have to worry about your vigilantism tomorrow?

Fluid. Sure. Otherwise, you’d be in a lot of danger.

Customer. If there are any two dollar bills, send ‘em my way!

Manager. THERE ARE NO TWO DOLLAR–

SFX. Explosion.

Station Manager. Take this, bankgoers!

SFX. Machine gun fire.

Station Manager. This room has just been pacified.

DSNT. Wow. Way to go.

Fluid. Yeah, you killed everyone.

Station Manager. Holy crap, what are you two doing here?!

DSNT. Bank robbery.

Fluid. Vigilante justice. What about you?

Station Manager. Mass murder. It makes the EVIL SORCERESS INDIGESTION a little less bad during the night. EVIL ACID REFLUX is an incurable sorceress condition treatable only by murder.

DSNT. You should talk to a doctor about this evil sorceress crap.

Station Manager. Eh, I prefer the murder.

Customer. Please…call a hospital…

SFX. Machine gun fire.

Customer. That really hurts, can you stop that? Your aim is really bad, you just keep grazing us with bullets…

SFX. Machine gun fire.

Customer. Okay, I’m dead now. UGH.

SFX. Thump.

Station Manager. Anyone else object to my shooting skills?

Manager. Nope.

Teller. Nope.

Linegoer. Nope.

Station Manager. That’s what I thought.

(Beat.)

SFX. Explosion.

Manager/Teller/Linegoer. (Gurgly deaths.)

Fluid. SO MANY NIGHTMARES.

Station Manager. Oh, it’s only just mass-murder.

DSNT. Sounds fine by me. What’s really disturbing to me is that we all planned to be at the same bank by coincidence.

Fluid. NEITHER OF YOU HAVE SOULS.

Station Manager. Well, my soul is technically just being slowly consumed by my sorceressry.

DSNT. I have no counter-argument.

(Beat.)

DSNT/Fluid/Station Manager. LET’S GO TO DISNEYLAND!!!

DSNT. And so we did. And great times were had.

Fluid. I had a fantastic time on every merry go round.

Station Manager. And, I enjoyed Splash Mountain.

DSNT. And we all learned a very important lesson…

Fluid. About friendship. And love. And…stuff.

Station Manager. The end.

(Beat.)

All. HELP ME, OBI-WAN CANOLI, YOU’RE MY ONLY HOPE!